As I am writing this the Democratic debate in Ohio is about to start. But they're not going to ask the question that's on all our minds, "How many donuts have you bought?"

The NY Times, the newspaper known for his high quality story telling and McCain smearing has answered that very question.

Here's your breakdown of just how much of their campaign money has each canidate spent at Dunkin' Donuts:

Clinton: $5,950.53
Romney: $992.91
McCain: $923.70
Obama: $723.64
Edwards: $253.04
Paul: $108.07

The lesson here? I have no damn clue. I tell you one thing though, I'd think about it before you donate any more money to Ron Paul, he hardly using any of that for pastries!

Labels: 2008 election, barack obama, hillary clinton, john edwards, john mccain, mitt romney, ron paul

Just noticed this ad on top of cheesegod.com:



Forget inappropriate relationships with lobbyists, this is a much bigger story. John McCain is using freakin' black magic! Or is he just reaching out to the all importatent Salem vote?

I wonder how many conservatives are seeing this ad and thinking, "Oh, geez, I hated McCain before, but look he has a crystal ball! I must RECONSIDER!" And then they probably run to church to ask god forgiveness for going to cheesegod.com, then maybe they'll shoot a duck or something, I don't know.

Labels: 2008 election, john mccain

Johnston Green received a boost to his fictional campaign today when a confused and disheveled Ross Perot endorsed him for president.

"America needs to be saved from the female Clinton and the Sugar Cain." Perot told two journalists and a dog named Spike, "It is time we act, and forget about reality shows."

Johnston Green is a character on the unwatched CBS show Jericho. Why Perot was endorsing him for president is anyone's guess.

Everyone in the room seemed confused, including Gerald McRaney, the actor who plays Mayor Green.

"I have no clue. Perot called me up and said he wanted to endorse me. I wanted to refuse, but CBS said it would be good publicity," McRaney told us.

When asked why he was endorsing a fictional person for president Perot responded, "Jibba-Jabba! A fictional man, for a fictional post. There is no president, it's all a lie!"

Which, of course led to the question if the there is no president why did Perot run for the office in 1994 and 1996.

"The reason!," Perot suddenly jumped onto the podium in mid sentence, "Sometimes I wish I was also fictional." Perot then hung his head down and quietly sang Livin' La Viva Loca to himself.

It's not sure how the endorsement will effect the current presidential campaign, but experts think it might shift the all important crazy vote away from John McCain.

"I don't know," McRaney responded in response to how the elections might be affected, "All I know is that Perot smells like Moth Balls and Mr. Pib. It's going to take weeks for me to get the stink off my hands."

Labels: 2008 election, hillary clinton, jericho, john mccain, Mr. pib, Ross Perot

Tonight will be George W. Bush's 7th and final (maybe) State of the Union Address. The pundits of CNN, Headline News, Fox News, MSNBC, ABC News, BBC World News, and Logo are all a buzz guessing what he might say.

Will he talk about the Iraq war? Probably! How about that cash reward coming in May for doing nothing? Sure! Perhaps he might mention the high cost of gas? He might! And, will he say anything about 9/11? Only if Giullani hasn't used up all the references already!

But beyond that here are some more things we might be able to look forward to in tonights speech:



In an immediate effort to prevent a recession, Bush makes it rain cash!



John McCain jumps the gun and delivers the address instead!



Bush skips the address and instead decides to watch American Gladiators instead (his favorite is Wolf!) on his new Cars TV. Hey, Bush! You have to turn the TV around to watch it! You silly old man!

Labels: american gladiators, george bush, john mccain, rudy giullani

This Week the government met on many important issues such as steroids in baseball and to make personal decisions for the Schiavo family. But one of the biggest debates came earlier today as it was time to decide the menu for the congressional cafeteria.

"Well the majority of us (the GOP) think Sloppy Joes should be served on Tuesdays," Tom Delay told us, "but those liberals think we should have tacos instead, how unamerican."

Democrats argued that tacos were much more cost effective and that the sloppy joes would cost the American tax payer up to three billion dollars a year. When asked about this inflated amount Hillary Clinton told us, "Well we did say 'up to' three billion. Plus Ted Kennedy likes a lot of extra slop on his sloppy joes, and that's only going to the cost of napkins."

We than pestered Clinton for twenty minutes on whether or not she was going to run for president, because as journalists it's the law for us to do so. She then refused to give us a straight answer, also by law.

John McCain apparently hates sloppy joes, but planned on voting for them along with his party. "Well, I, support the decision for sloppy joes to be served on Tuesdays." McCain then sighed and locked himself in a bathroom stall so no one could see him cry.

Republicans warned that having tacos would cause the local Target's hot sauce supply to be depleted by the year 2026.

John Kerry argued on the virtues of tacos and the evils of sloppy joes for a full twenty minutes. But he concluded by saying it didn't matter because the sloppy joes were going to win anyway. He then joined McCain in a neighboring stall to weep.

Sloppy joes is indeed predicted by experts to win, with voting going along party lines. Another two or three days are planned however to continue the debate. A break from the lunch debacle will be taken on Monday however to argue what show is better, Desperate Housewives or Kelsey Grammar Presents The Sketch Show.

Labels: hillary clinton, john kerry, john mccain, kelsey grammar, sloppy joes, target

A couple of months ago some hoped that John would choose John as his running mate.
But today John named John as his running mate for the 2004 election.

"Together, I and John will take America Back," John told reporters including Jon of the daily show and me, Jon of cheesegod.com.

John had discussed with John about being his running mate, but unfortunately John did
not support John. So instead, after placing a phone call to John last night, John
chose John as his running mate,"

But the White house is already firing back.

"John is John's second choice. He wanted John. But John turned John down. Now John
is stuck with John," a non-John spokesperson told me, Jon.

When John was asked how he was going to get to his first appearance with John since
naming the John & John ticket, John said, "Well, It's like John sang, 'I'm Leaving On
A Jet Plane'"

"Now, I would love to talk about John more," John told us, "But I need to use the
John."

John and John of They Might Be Giants had no comment.

Labels: 2004 election, john edwards, john kerry, john mccain, they might be giants