People win the lottery all the time. Almost everyday people win millions of dollars. So why not you? Do you think there's something wrong with you? Do you think the lottery commission has something against you? If you're worried they know about that horrible thing you did your cousin after Thanksgiving dinner last year. It's alright though, they know, but the fellows on the lottery commission are very liberal and accepting.

Now, anyone has a chance at winning the lottery. Even if you didn't buy a lottery ticket you have a chance at winning. You might find a winning lottery ticket on the ground or perhaps you could walk into the lottery claims center with an old Walmart receipt and claim it's the winning ticket. That rarely works though. It did once, but don't worry, the lottery commission had the employee who accepted the false winning ticket strapped to a chair nude while they hid him repeatably in the crotch with a weight on a string. They don't mess around.

While you might think stopping in at the Cigar hut down the road twice a week playing your favorite numbers is enough, you're living in a dream world. And not a cool dream world where you can kill little creatures wearing sheets and masks with vegetables like in Super Mario Bros. 2 (or Super Mario Bros. USA, if you live in Japan, but you probably don't... unless you do, but I doubt it... if you say you do, you are probably lying, stop lying you liar! I hate you!). No, you live in a cruel dream world, like that second Bob Newhart series.

However, there are many ways to improve your chances. These methods are battle tested. We sent them to Iraq, and they came back still shiny and brave as ever. Well, one method had a cheese stain on it from eating a Ba'Ba Beh Tamur, but these things happen.

First, never play the same numbers more than twice. If they've lost twice, they are loser numbers. How many times would you bet on the same losing horse? You should take these numbers out back and shoot them like Old Yeller. Put them out of their misery. If you don't have the heart to do it, hire Michael Vick to. He probably needs the work now anyway. Unless you have something against hiring ex-felons. What's your problem? Doesn't a guy deserve a second chance? Besides, Michael Vick hasn't done any jail time yet, so you better hire him now before it's too late and he becomes tainted.

Another sure bet is to send the folks on the lottery commission nice gifts. Try a smoked ham or a copy of It Could Happen To You on DVD. Also, track them down at their houses or at the school when they're picking up their children. Repeatably shout nice things at them like, "You smell like my aunt," or "If I was gay, I'd tap that." If you really want to be remembered, tattoo their name on your body. Don't worry, you can put it a inconspicuous place so everyone doesn't see it. Try the underside of your right buttocks. Just make sure you show it to them every chance you get.

Don't play the numbers from Lost. What are some kind of dweeb? Jeez.


Make sure to get yourself one of those cool looking vinyl sleeves they sell for you to keep your tickets in. What's the point of winning if the ticket is going to have a crease down the middle of it. I know if I had a winning ticket of 100 million dollars and it had a bended corner I'd never turn it in. It'd be too embarrassing. Maybe I'd be rich, but everyone would know I wouldn't take good care of my winnings. Think of it like this, you remember the movie Walk the Line when Johny Cash has that nice big house on the lake and he has his entire family over for a nice big Thanksgiving dinner? Well, you'd think he'd be happy will those good frieds and riches, but no, he left his nice tractor out in the mud! Well, I never saw the end of the movie, but I heard he died a few years ago! So think about that!


Now, you may have noticed I've mentioned Thanksgiving twice so far. Well, it's just a coincidence and has nothing to do with winning the lottery, so drop it.


Finally, always remember that it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you played the game. But, well, their isn't really that much to playing the lottery, you just fill in some numbers, pay a dollar, and they give you a ticket. It's kind of hard to screw that up. So, when it's comes to the lottery, it absolutely does matter if you win or lose. If you haven't won yet, you are a loser. That's right, you are a loser! Damn it, get off my website, you loser!

Labels: lottery, money, santa claus

This past weekend I got to experience the thrill of the Long Island Balloon and Music Festival. The local papers pointed out the fact that this was the first time Long Island had the pleasure of hosting a balloon festival in five years. Reading that, us Long Islanders translated that as "You better go to the festival, because they're rare." But perhaps we should instead of taken the fact as maybe their had not been a balloon show in 5 years was for a reason.

After the hour long drive in ever increasing traffic we were ushered into a dead end street that had been poorly converted into an entrance to an airport runway turned parking lot. After reading signs leading up the end of the road that still read "Dead End," I wondered if the street was still really a dead end, and every car in car in front of me was just driving off a cliff and we were just following like lemmings (or at least like lemmings being pushed off a cliff by a Disney Film crew). But instead at the end of the road we found a rolled back chain fence and a pile of sand that was suppose to be a road circling oddly around trees. But no one minded, now their was finally a point to owning that big ass SUV on Long Island!

After the sand road we came to a gravel made substance that could pass for an actual road. Here we were led by lethargic volunteers in reflective vests to a grass field that was apparently now a parking lot. Again everyone happily drove around on the grass with their Hummers grinning stupidly no doubt thinking, "This must be what it's like to be in Iraq!"

But the fun of the parking lot didn't end there, because the grass field, er... parking lot, was conveniently located a good mile from the actual festival. But no need to worry about having to actually participate in the barbaric act of walking, because school buses were available to shuttle us back and forth. Along the ride on the shuttle I couldn't help but think about my Disney World last year and the monorail and ferries that would take you back and forth from the parking lot to the Magic Kingdom. Somehow it seemed fitting to me that the Magic Kingdom would have the monorail and Long Island would have an old broken down school bus.

Now one could surmise that after such an experience of just getting to the festival, only one of two things could be expected. Either it'd be great, and worth every ounce of trouble it took to get there, or, and of course what actually happened, the festival would suck equally.

You know those fairs they use to hold in the old Caldor's parking lot for one weekend a year? The ones with the rides that would squeak as you rode them and the carnival games that were so crooked you thought it must be part of the NBA referee's union. Well, this came pretty close to that glory. Of course those local fairs didn't charge you $25 to enter, nor did they charge you $4 for a 20oz bottle of cola.

Oh yes, the soda was quite expensive, as was every other type of food or beverage for sale on the grounds. I suppose they knew exactly what they were doing. Once we went through all that driving through traffic, sludging through sand, parking on grass, riding on cramped school buses, their was really nowhere to escape to if you wanted food, not easily anyway. They lure us in with the promise of perty balloons, and they rob us of all our cash.

Speaking of balloons, notice I have not mentioned any of those beautiful masses of colourful floating amazement? Good reason for that. See, there were none. Not a one, well their was one on it's side that, for $2, you climb around inside. Every so often we'd see a helium balloon floating away that escaped from some little kid and someone jokingly would point to and say, "Look, there's a balloon." The repeating of this joke throughout the day turned from mildly funny, to a sad reminder of the fact that it really might be the only balloon we'd see that day.

Then there was the music part of the "Balloon & Music Festival." And what was this music you might ask? Well, there was some radio stations on the scene playing their current on air music loudly. Something I never experience at home, of course the reason being is that listening to radio stations is more outdated than the stand-up comedy on the show Bananas.

After sludging around in the unbearable heat for what seemed like 4 hours, but may have very well have been much shorter, like 3 hours 52 minutes, we found relief at an abandoned booth for mystic candles. Here we found chairs to sit and shade to sit under, that, along with anything of interest or amusement, was all that was missing.

After hanging out hanging out in this psychic tent for a while, hoping someone would ask for a psychic reading so we'd have something to do, a miracle occurred. Off in the distance an AT&T logo appeared! No it wasn't the iPhone fairy, but an actual hot air balloon! We ran over to the balloon, as it filled up with air suddenly more balloons appeared nearby. Soon the logos for Mayflower, Curves, Target, Cablevision, and of course Remax appeared on balloons all around us. It happened 4 hours after we arrived, but it happened. One half of the Balloon and Music promise had been fulfilled.

Then from the speakers and jumbotron located at a nearby stage, the music of Pat Benatar filled the air. Granted, it was pretty lousy music from an artist who hasn't had a hit since Cop Rock was on the air, but it was still music, real music!

We watched as each balloon filled with air and then floated away... never coming back. Seriously, once a balloon was ready to go it either stood there for a while and then either deflated and was put away, or it'd float away and never come back. Where did they go? Nobody knows. There were theories. Some thought that they floated up to the sun to burn away, while other surmised that they were probably going to a better balloon festival.

Once Benetar launched into "Love is a Battlefield" as part of her first encore we knew it was time to go. We headed towards the shuttle buses, waved goodbye to the Energizer bunny balloon, patted ourselves on the back for a day well spent, and then vowed to never come back again.

Labels: balloons, iphone, long island, music, pat benetar, soda

Labels: george bush, nsa

In the past there have been such memorable baseball theme nights has disco demolition night, nude night, all you can eat seats, and Drexel's Class Appreciation night. Well, I made that last one up, but the rest are real, I assure you.

Also real is the promotion the Mets Single-A affiliate Savannah Sand Gnats are hosting tonight. "Lindsay Lohan Drunk Driving Awareness Night" promises to educate baseball fans about the dangers of drunk driving by using Lindsay Lohan as an example.

Their methods are a little weak though. They'll have a wrecked car from a drunk driving accident on display and people doing Blood Alcohol tests. If they really wanted to get people to not copy Linsay Lohan they should just screen her latest crap-trap movie, "I Know Who Killed Me." That'd scar me enough to never leave the house again.

Labels: alcohol, drunk, lindsay lohan, mets