This Week the government met on many important issues such as steroids in baseball and to make personal decisions for the Schiavo family. But one of the biggest debates came earlier today as it was time to decide the menu for the congressional cafeteria.

"Well the majority of us (the GOP) think Sloppy Joes should be served on Tuesdays," Tom Delay told us, "but those liberals think we should have tacos instead, how unamerican."

Democrats argued that tacos were much more cost effective and that the sloppy joes would cost the American tax payer up to three billion dollars a year. When asked about this inflated amount Hillary Clinton told us, "Well we did say 'up to' three billion. Plus Ted Kennedy likes a lot of extra slop on his sloppy joes, and that's only going to the cost of napkins."

We than pestered Clinton for twenty minutes on whether or not she was going to run for president, because as journalists it's the law for us to do so. She then refused to give us a straight answer, also by law.

John McCain apparently hates sloppy joes, but planned on voting for them along with his party. "Well, I, support the decision for sloppy joes to be served on Tuesdays." McCain then sighed and locked himself in a bathroom stall so no one could see him cry.

Republicans warned that having tacos would cause the local Target's hot sauce supply to be depleted by the year 2026.

John Kerry argued on the virtues of tacos and the evils of sloppy joes for a full twenty minutes. But he concluded by saying it didn't matter because the sloppy joes were going to win anyway. He then joined McCain in a neighboring stall to weep.

Sloppy joes is indeed predicted by experts to win, with voting going along party lines. Another two or three days are planned however to continue the debate. A break from the lunch debacle will be taken on Monday however to argue what show is better, Desperate Housewives or Kelsey Grammar Presents The Sketch Show.

Labels: hillary clinton, john kerry, john mccain, kelsey grammar, sloppy joes, target

The search wars are heating up. MSN has just added Google like ads to it's seaches. Ask Jeeves just introduced a new, sexier, version of their buttler. Lycos has taken out an ad in the back of the village voice in the classifieds. And Webcrawler has announced to their own surprise that they still exist.

So what is current search king Google doing about it? Well, continuing in their tradition in introducing a new feature every month (Gmail, Video Search, Google Maps, Jock Strap size search) they have brought out perhaps the most popular one to date, the hacked Sidekick search.

With more and more people purchasing cellphones because they want to be cool like Snoop Dog and less because of useful features (like security) it has become easier to take advantage of them. With all these sidekicks becoming hacked everyday someone has to keep track of them. And that someone is Google. Or that something is Google. I guess Google isn't a person. Sometimes I wish it was. I'd comb her hair and she'd invent new ways to defrost chili.

No longer will you have to search through back issues of 2600 to find the number for Tony Danza. While most celebrities seem to hate the idea, 50 cent has already been involved in 13 shooting over the subject, some are embracing it.

"I got two phone calls today," John Larroquette excitingly told us, "that's the most I've gotten since I wrote my number on a bathroom stall. Although one call was just to ask if I had Chi McBride's number. I know him, you know. Yep! He was on my show back in the '90s. He played a janitor, I was the star! He thinks he's so big, being in I Robot and The Terminal! Well things are happening for me too! I'm currently filming a Meow Mix commercial... you don't actually see my face, but you can see my hand open a can of Tuna n' Pork!"

Meanwhile Paris Hilton also welcomed to additional calls from men. It has allowed her to be able to complete her goal of sleeping with 536 men a week by Friday, leaving her the weekend free to attend to her other hobbies, like getting drunk and sleeping with more men.

Labels: 536, cell phones, chi mcbride, google, john larroquette, paris hilton, sidekick

Archaeologist unearthed an AOL disc from an apartment in Queens this week. The
disc is believed to date as far back as 1994.

"We still have to run some more tests on the artifact, but if it's as old as
some of us suspect this could be a major breakthrough," Super Nerd
Computer Historian Josh Guzzle told us.

The disc, which offers a whopping 2 hours of internet access for free, was
with an A.C. Slater pepper shaker.
Scientists find this of particular interest because no one has admited to
liking Saved By The Bell since the early 90's, and even then...

An AOL disc that dates back to 1994 would be the oldest disc known so far. It
would actually predate the great "AOL CD Avalanche" that took 15 lives in a
landfill in 1999.

Historians are eager to check the disc out on a computer, but are still
searching for one that still has a floppy drive.

"We went down to the high school, but they were still using href="/odds/c64.jpg" target="odds">Commodore 64s. Chris says he has an
original iMac in his basement. We'll have to see if it still works," Guzzle
told us while picking his nose, wearing taped glasses, adjusting his pocket
protector, petting his calculator, and anything else nerdy you can think of,
"We'll have to wear eye protection when we power up the iMac. The horrible
light up colored back is likely to blind us all."

Once they have the disc running in the computer, the geeks scientists
plan to on laughing at the "archaic" look and the fact people use to pay $2.50
an hour to use such garbage.

The apartment the disc was found in was owned by an old lady who never threw
out her mail. She is believed to have died at least 10 years ago from laughing
too hard an episode of Salute Your
Shorts.

"We think it was that one with that red headed kid... What was his name?
Sputnik? No... You know, the kid from the beginning of Terminator 2. Anyway,
he sneaks a salami into camp with hilarious consequences. I've always enjoyed
that one myself," Guzzle told us as we began slowly inching towards the
door.

As far as future plans for the disc, the scientist plan to donate it to a
museum after they're done laughing at it. So far many museums have been
contacted, but none have returned their calls.

Labels: aol, commodore 64, imac, salute your shorts, saved by the bell