Mary Kate Olson, who had been placed in a eating disorder clinic last month, has been
declared 100% cured.

Reporters waited outside on the hospital steps hoping to get a glimpse of the twin for the first time since her submission to the clinic. They were not disappointed. In fact they caught more than just a glimpse.

Mary Kate has fully returned to her natural 536 lb weight. Reporters scrambled to
change over to wide angle lenses before it was too late, but were given ample time to
do so when Ashley struggled to get her sister to fit inside the U-Haul they had
rented to take her home in.

The appearance although short, has already started a trend with the easily brainwashed pre-teen and teen population who reportedly have been piling into Jack in th Boxes and Sambos across the nation eating the fattiest food on the menu in hoped of looking like their one of their idols. Unfortunately they are still trying to be like Britney and are wearing their prostitot gear. Low rise pants, G-strings, and 300lbs of body fat just doesn't mix.

Reporters asked for a comment from the now Roseanne shaped Olson twin. Just when she
opened her mouth as if to deliver she just burped instead, causing a chicken leg to
dislodge from her between her front teeth and land on her shirt.

Google searching for the "Olson Twins Nude" has gone done dramatically. But
fortunately Lindsay Lohen and Hillary Duff are still high on the list giving mentally
challenged men everywhere still the chance to have wet dreams about teenage girls.

The twins are planning on working on another movie soon. Rumors have it's a Marlon
Brando bio pic, with Ashley playing Brando in his early years, and Marry Kate in his
later.

Labels: 536, eating disorders, olsen twins

A couple of months ago some hoped that John would choose John as his running mate.
But today John named John as his running mate for the 2004 election.

"Together, I and John will take America Back," John told reporters including Jon of the daily show and me, Jon of cheesegod.com.

John had discussed with John about being his running mate, but unfortunately John did
not support John. So instead, after placing a phone call to John last night, John
chose John as his running mate,"

But the White house is already firing back.

"John is John's second choice. He wanted John. But John turned John down. Now John
is stuck with John," a non-John spokesperson told me, Jon.

When John was asked how he was going to get to his first appearance with John since
naming the John & John ticket, John said, "Well, It's like John sang, 'I'm Leaving On
A Jet Plane'"

"Now, I would love to talk about John more," John told us, "But I need to use the
John."

John and John of They Might Be Giants had no comment.

Labels: 2004 election, john edwards, john kerry, john mccain, they might be giants

By now we've all heard the infamous quotes that have come out of the Hussein trial such as, "(I've got) millions stashed away," and, "Careful, I'm an old man." But here are some lesser heard quotes:

After asking if he'd been tortured in prison:

Are you kidding? Of course I have! You think I wanted to grow this beard? The Americans forced me to!

You don't understand; I could of had class; I could of been a contender; I could of been somebody; instead of a bum, which is what I am. Let's face it.

In a sudden outburst:

Holy sh*t! I just figured it out! This war was all about the oil!

Showing aggression towards officials questioning him:

You see what I'm doing? I'm pretending my fingers are guns and I'm shooting you! Scared?

Again on prison torture:

I offered to be led around naked on a leash. That would of been nice. That Lynndie England chick is hot.

I will confess to these crimes.... if you can snatch this pen from my hand.

Labels: hussein, iraq