Plagued by the decline of intelligence of the people in the United States, Border's Books has announced they're dropping books from their stock.

"They're just taking up valuable space from the CDs, DVDs, and puppy calendars," we were told by Border's stock boy, Steve Guttenburg, who we suspect is the very same person who starred in the Police Academy movies, just older... and more pathetic (if possible) now.

Border's will still cary books-on-tape because they're the only type of book that doesn't require reading.

"I try reading a book, but after the first page I'm bored to tears. Like I really care what a character may be thinking or feeling," books-on-tape advocate Tony Catsup told us.

Some however fear this is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society.

"This is just another nail in the coffin for an intellectual society," some person whose good for us simple Arrested Development fans. (NOTE: I just reread this article I had typed almost 3 years ago. I have no idea what this last sentence means, or was suppose to mean. Oh well. -ED 9/19/07)

Some books will still be sold just for novelty purposes. People will be able to buy them so they can put them on their shelves so they will look sophisticated to those who visit them.

Border's will also use some of it's now bookless space for it's new MP3-on-DVDs.

"We're not sure what a MP3-on-DVD is, but it's got both DVD and MP3 in the name. And that's what the kids are into these days. That and GameBoy... and Pokemon... Or is that still cool?," Guttenburg told us, "Is it? Hello? Are you listening to what I'm saying? I'm asking you aquestion? Can you stop writing what I'm saying for one second and tell me if pokemon still popular. Why are you even still writing what I'm saying for anyway? It's not like you're going to put any of this in your article!"

Labels: books, borders, dvd, Gameboy, mp3, Pokemon, steve guttenburg

The national symbol, the bald eagle, has announced he stepping down from his post under George W. Bush.

The bald eagle declined to comment directly, but inside sources say the eagle plans to spend more time with his family now. He also plans to play his role in helping to get out of that whole endangered thing.

Bush is currently considering his dog Buddy and Spongbob Squarepants as possible replacements.

Labels: buddy, eagle, george bush, spongebob

The world's oldest iPod has died at the age of 2. It's owner, George Flippant, 12 of Newark, New Jersey, hobbies include fishing and fragging, his favorite Backstreet boy is the one with the hair, was deeply saddened by the unfortunate turn of events.

The iPod more than outlived it's life expectancy of 366 days (1 day longer than the included warranty) by a full year. Many marveled at the ancient technology of the iPod with it's old school tech wheel and all.

"The wheel in the click wheel actually turned instead of staying stationary. It's so 2002," Flippant's 8 year old neighbor Alexander Beef told us when we were able to distract him from his new triple screen GameBoy.

The elder iPod's life ended abruptly when it was dropped on Flippant's kitchen floor.

"It all happened so fast," Flippant told us, telling us the events of the iPod's demise, "One minute I was dancing to the new Eminem song with the iPod in my hand. I was pretending to be one of those silhouette people like in the commercials. Then the next minute the iPod has flown out of my hand and is crashing into a million pieces after hitting the floor."

Most iPods die of bad batteries, hard drive failure, or depression of a crappy music library. Not everyone believes Flippant's story.

"He just broke it cause he wanted a new one for christmas," George Flippant's sister Georgia told us, "He's always doing stuff like that. He always get's it too. Like that time he broke his arm and Mom took him out of school for two days. He was so faking it."

The police will not say if they're willing to rule out foul play yet.

"What the hell do I care what happened to some kid's walkman," Tony Putz, chief of police, told us.

Meanwhile George does indeed plan to ask for another iPod this christmas.

"They're so cool. They're just like old iPods but they can display photos! And they're only $600!"

Labels: apple, Gameboy, ipod