The State school board decision to rid the cafeteria of the deadly toxin bread seems to paying off.

"Finally our children are safe from those nasty carbs," Nina Zeplin told us before she fainted from malnourishment, "Our children have the right to grow up slim."

Bay Ave. Elementary hasn't served any food containing carbohydrates for three weeks now and already the difference is apparent.

"I've never had so many sick children in my office before," school nurse Maria Halen told us, "but at least they're not as fat."

Although critics argue that forcing all kids to go the Atkins diet is not only unconstitutional but also unhealthy the school staff is fast to say otherwise. Just ask Coach John Rose.

"Oh yeah. The kids move very slow, if at all, during gym class now. But what the f*ck do I care? At least they're easier to keep track of. They all play like a bunch of sissies anyway."

Test grades have fallen. Sickness has risen, but we all have to agree on one thing:

Damn that school now has some fine looking children.

Labels: atkins, bread, school

The worse Gameboy related accident yet happened earlier this week at Poky Oats
Elementary School in Hartford, CT. A Pokemon game gone wrong resulted in the
death of five children, one teacher, a custodian, and a Michael Jackson
sympathizer.

"It was horrible," said Timmy O' Toole, age 6, a witness to the event, "There was
blood everywhere. I got a stain on my shirt. My mom threw it away. It was my
favorite shirt, the one with cookie monster.... don't tell her, but I took it
back out of the trash when she wasn't looking. I sleep with it under the
covers."

Another incident, another lawsuit. Nintendo yawned it off, giving us the usual
response.

"It's a travesty and we here at Nintendo Of America express our condolences," A
Nintendo Spokesperson told us, "We always have expressed safety precautions while
playing with your GameBoy. A three foot distance between players and protective
suits, available for purchase through the official Nintendo website, should
always be utilized."

Witnesses all told of how awful the site was. Thirty three children have been
taken to mental hospitals for extended psychiatric help.

"We just hope to have our daughter back by the end of the year," a parent of one
of the children in the psychiatric hospital who wished to remain anonymous told
us... oh, what the hell, his name was John Lindermen.

The child whose Gameboy caused the ruckus, and survivor of the event, is also
saddened by the massacre.

"I can't believe it. The cops took my gameboy for evidence. How am I suppose to
catch the last Pokemon, Curdle, now? I'm going try to get my mom to buy me one
of those new green ones. They're cool, they're just like the other Gameboy but
it's... green!

Nintendo Gameboy Advance sales have not been hurt by this last event, in fact
sales have slightly risen since this the event.

Labels: death, Gameboy, john linderman, nintendo, video games

The new FCC regulations went into affect yesterday, providing each TV station a list of words that can not be said over the air. Unfortunately two of those words are the presidents and vice presidents last and first names respectively.

Both George W.'s last name and Mr. Cheney's first name have been ruled too dirty to say on TV. News reporters are becoming increasingly confused on how to handle the situation. To get around the restrictions new reporters and started referring to the duo as George W. LadyArea and ManStem Cheney.

These latest FCC regulations of course have all emerged from the Janet Jackson debacle, which despite her best efforts have not helped her record sales. It hasn't helped the fact that her music sucks too.

Labels: dick cheney, fcc, fox, george bush