Mel Gibson finally apologized about the contents of his movie, "The Passion of The Christ," on Wednesday. It seems in between all the extreme, brutal, graphic scenes of Jesus getting the crap beet out of him, his privates accidentally became public.

"At no time did I mean to portray Jesus is this fashion," Gibson told us from a church where he was peddling his movie, "As always in the catholic church, it should be all violence and no nudity."

Parents expressed complaints after viewing the film, saying they had to quickly cover their child's eyes when the nudity appeared without warning after a more appropriate scene of Jesus having the flesh ripped off his back.

"I don't see why I should have to explain to my daughter what 'that thing' is," a concerned mother told as while leaving a theater showing the film, "The movie was beautiful otherwise, especially the detail of realistic bone breaking when they nailed him to the cross. Just beautiful."

It seemed children were traumatized by the event, as one teenage boy told us.

"That movie was awesome. I liked the part where the guy tore his arm out of his socket so they could nail it to that big 'T' easier," he told us, "But that nudity was disgusting. They should of had some naked chicks, that's be awesome. It also should of been in English. Reading sucks."

Gibson said that the DVD would have an option to watch it without the offending scene. He said the DVD would also contain an extra two hours of scenes including Jesus getting pine cones stuck up his bottom, which was cut due to time constraint. It will also come in a keep-sake trapper case.

Labels: dvd, jesus, mel gibson, passion of the christ

Yankee fans were hiding their heads and placing their jerseys in the closet with shame, as Mets fans often do, yesterday. It seems anyone associated with the Yankees in any way were deeply ashamed to admit so after the events of the last few days.

Everyone in the Yankee organization were celebrating just a few days ago when a trade with the Texas Rangers was successfully negotiated for "A Rod." Unfortunately miscommunication occurred somewhere along the line and the team wound up getting an actual rod, instead of Alex Rodriguez, who goes by a similar nickname.

The Yankees have no choice to face the facts now that they traded away a good player, a potentially good player, and are going to waste a whole lot of of money on a rod that analysts are predicting to bat only .000 this year.

"Uh, oops," said Yankee personnel Cashman, "I knew I should of read the agreement over before we signed it. I was just so giddy! I couldn't contain myself."

Steinbrenner, who experienced 3 heart-attacks after learning of the news (only two were because of the A-Rod fiasco, the other was because he has an extra large bowl of chili for breakfast that day) immediately demanded that his slew of henchman quickly negotiate another deal.

Mets and Red Sox fans celebrated, something they often don't get to do, over the predicament. As the celebration ensued Yankee fans defended themselves the usual way by asking over and over what team won the most World Series ever. Met fans would respond by saying that they at least still have 1986, and then Boston fans would just break down, cry, shake their fists at the sky yelling, "Damn You, Bill Buckner!"

Celebrating was cut short soon because the Yankees and their endless supply of money and hitman were soon able acquire the real Alex Rodriguez and paraded him in front of the media much like they did when signed King Kong back in the '30s. That acquisition of course went sour when Kong broke loose and climbed the Empire State Building, in the first act of terrorism that lead to the false justification for World War II. This lead to the Yankees having to quickly fill in the hole in their line up with Babe Ruth. But I must stop with this story now, as I'm sure I'm causing more Red Sox fans to cry.

Labels: alex rodriguez, brian cashman, george steinbreener, king kong, red sox, yankees

Florida Democratic voters were confused once again as they mixed up the top new stories and chose Janet Jackson's Boob to oppose Bush in November's election.

Old confused seniors and the stupid alike goofed at the voting polls, proving florida still can't get anything right... except Tropicola Orange Juice, a fresh start to a fresh day. Yes, nothing beets a tall glass of Tropicola OJ, proud sponsor of cheesegod.com.

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Although Janet Jackson nor her breast were running, the people became so confused by Jackson sharing headlines with Democratic hopefuls they naturally became confused and couldn't tell the difference.

Officials were stunned this could happened. After the major boo-boo four years ago they thought they had gotten everything set up to go right this time. Confusing butterfly ballets were replaced with tiny little switches in a secluded booth.

"Everything seemed like it would go better this time," one official told us, "The only negative events were foresaw was the some seniors confusing the booth as a port-a-toliet. But that only happened twice."

Citizens have felt embarrassed since the debacle, but some reassurance from former President Clinton on Thursday when he endorsed the body part.

"Finally," Clinton told the American public, "a reason for me to pay attention to politics."

Labels: 2004 election, janet jackson, orange juice

Microsoft announced Tuesday that it was unleashing an update to fix 536 more flaws found in
Windows.

In an effort to fight viruses, worm, trojans, spyware, and Yahoo's march to take over the
world, Microsoft unleashed 536 more patches totaling 312 gigs. The patch will take only
about 3 days to download.

"Our Operating System is stronger than ever," Bill Gates told the American people from his
special Microsoft made car, riding and waving to the public while delivering these words,
"The more we are hit, the stronger we are."

Bill Gates offering up these encouraging words to no doubt rev up his troops in war against
alternative Operating Systems.

"These other Operating Systems, Linux, Panther, BSD.. they might not be attacked by Viruses,
but this because they already are of such less quality that they probably can't even run a
virus," Bill Gates pleaded with the crowd, "We all know nothing good is free. So why get
Linux, when you can spend you're hard earned money on Windows XP.

At this point the speech was delayed when his special Microsoft Car stopped running for no
particular reason and had to be restarted.

Once the car started going again Gates finished up, "Remember folks, When you install Linux,
the terrorists win!"

Bill Gates then jumped out of his car just seconds before it crashed into a wall. The car
malfunction was blamed on a flaw left open that let a hacker take control.

Labels: 536, bill gates, yahoo

The white house released information today proudly stating that it finally located Dick Cheney. Cheney, who's been missing for a long portion of the Bush presidency, was found living in a hole in order to hide from the press. Upon discovery the vice president said, "My name is Dick Cheney. I am the Vice President of the United States. I'd like to negotiate." He was found with his trademark suitcase of money, which he carries in case an emergency bribe has to be made to get a contract for Haliburton. The location of Cheney has been rumored or thought to be many different places over the last couple of years. The most thought of was to be that he lived a double life as Joe Leiberman, the outcast of the Democratic primary (Al Sharpton doesn't count, as usual). The capture has proved to mean little however, as Dick Cheney was found of Fox News. They congratulated him on a job well done and went on the report that he wasn't living in the hole but rather was helping his employees dig for oil. According to experts on the propaganda news channel reported the only people calling it a hole was the left wing pro-rape room media. Dick Cheney has since moved from the hole and his current location is unknown. But a good guess would be somewhere convincing someone Saddam Hussein was the one who made the mydoom virus. By the way, I went through this whole article without making a "Dick" in a hole joke, because I'm a classy guy.

Wipe that sly look off your face, Dick.

Labels: al sharpton, dick cheney, fox, iraq, joe leiberman, saddam hussein