As I am writing this the Democratic debate in Ohio is about to start. But they're not going to ask the question that's on all our minds, "How many donuts have you bought?"

The NY Times, the newspaper known for his high quality story telling and McCain smearing has answered that very question.

Here's your breakdown of just how much of their campaign money has each canidate spent at Dunkin' Donuts:

Clinton: $5,950.53
Romney: $992.91
McCain: $923.70
Obama: $723.64
Edwards: $253.04
Paul: $108.07

The lesson here? I have no damn clue. I tell you one thing though, I'd think about it before you donate any more money to Ron Paul, he hardly using any of that for pastries!

Labels: 2008 election, barack obama, hillary clinton, john edwards, john mccain, mitt romney, ron paul

Johnston Green received a boost to his fictional campaign today when a confused and disheveled Ross Perot endorsed him for president.

"America needs to be saved from the female Clinton and the Sugar Cain." Perot told two journalists and a dog named Spike, "It is time we act, and forget about reality shows."

Johnston Green is a character on the unwatched CBS show Jericho. Why Perot was endorsing him for president is anyone's guess.

Everyone in the room seemed confused, including Gerald McRaney, the actor who plays Mayor Green.

"I have no clue. Perot called me up and said he wanted to endorse me. I wanted to refuse, but CBS said it would be good publicity," McRaney told us.

When asked why he was endorsing a fictional person for president Perot responded, "Jibba-Jabba! A fictional man, for a fictional post. There is no president, it's all a lie!"

Which, of course led to the question if the there is no president why did Perot run for the office in 1994 and 1996.

"The reason!," Perot suddenly jumped onto the podium in mid sentence, "Sometimes I wish I was also fictional." Perot then hung his head down and quietly sang Livin' La Viva Loca to himself.

It's not sure how the endorsement will effect the current presidential campaign, but experts think it might shift the all important crazy vote away from John McCain.

"I don't know," McRaney responded in response to how the elections might be affected, "All I know is that Perot smells like Moth Balls and Mr. Pib. It's going to take weeks for me to get the stink off my hands."

Labels: 2008 election, hillary clinton, jericho, john mccain, Mr. pib, Ross Perot

This Week the government met on many important issues such as steroids in baseball and to make personal decisions for the Schiavo family. But one of the biggest debates came earlier today as it was time to decide the menu for the congressional cafeteria.

"Well the majority of us (the GOP) think Sloppy Joes should be served on Tuesdays," Tom Delay told us, "but those liberals think we should have tacos instead, how unamerican."

Democrats argued that tacos were much more cost effective and that the sloppy joes would cost the American tax payer up to three billion dollars a year. When asked about this inflated amount Hillary Clinton told us, "Well we did say 'up to' three billion. Plus Ted Kennedy likes a lot of extra slop on his sloppy joes, and that's only going to the cost of napkins."

We than pestered Clinton for twenty minutes on whether or not she was going to run for president, because as journalists it's the law for us to do so. She then refused to give us a straight answer, also by law.

John McCain apparently hates sloppy joes, but planned on voting for them along with his party. "Well, I, support the decision for sloppy joes to be served on Tuesdays." McCain then sighed and locked himself in a bathroom stall so no one could see him cry.

Republicans warned that having tacos would cause the local Target's hot sauce supply to be depleted by the year 2026.

John Kerry argued on the virtues of tacos and the evils of sloppy joes for a full twenty minutes. But he concluded by saying it didn't matter because the sloppy joes were going to win anyway. He then joined McCain in a neighboring stall to weep.

Sloppy joes is indeed predicted by experts to win, with voting going along party lines. Another two or three days are planned however to continue the debate. A break from the lunch debacle will be taken on Monday however to argue what show is better, Desperate Housewives or Kelsey Grammar Presents The Sketch Show.

Labels: hillary clinton, john kerry, john mccain, kelsey grammar, sloppy joes, target

Fox News has made the ultimate attempt to remain the number one network. They have offered every politician a chance to have... um... the Washington Monument spit shined. As anyone with an IQ high enough not to watch FOX NEWS knows, FOX NEWS had become the number one network by being the official propaganda station for the US government and for getting exclusive news stories that other networks wouldn't report because they had more journalistic integrity. But FOX wants to make sure they remain on their top post, and what better way than by working construction on the old Lincoln Log. While every congress member and senator we talked to refused to comment we did manage to hear some insight from Joe Orsulak, our anonymous inside source on hanging chads. "FOX NEWS's first taker was none other than Mr. Thurmand who got to become a stiff in one way before the other thanks to the aggressive style of Bill O'Reilly," Orsulak told us, "He showed them all his 'Dixie' party platform." It comes as no surprise to many that FOX has resorted to this, as they basically have been doing it to a lesser extent for years. Many in the news industry was unfazed when they heard Hillary Clinton got to smoke another man's cigar. It remain to be seen how any of this may affect the news industry, but in the mean time all 82 democratic presidential hopefuls have had the pleasure licking Bush, something none of them will likely do in next years election.

Labels: fox, hillary clinton, joe orsulak