People in lines formed around Mann's Chinese Theater in California are beginning
to get very excited. They've been waiting for months for what may be the biggest
movie of the year to open. Every person in the area only one thing on their
mind, we are just days away from the opening of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? The
Movie.

Brian Burden, age 21, traveled all the way from Long Island, NY for the premiere
Thursday 12:01.

"Some people back home thought I was crazy. They just don't get it. Millionaire
is a way of life. I was just talking about it to my friend PhilbinPhan32.. that's
his screen name, I don't know his real name..."

Burden told us he only has left the line twice during the last 6 weeks. Once to
pick up Final Fantasy Online and the other time to get the new line of
Millionaire Action Figures.

"I got all the cool ones. I got the "Excited Regis" figure, here's the "Sitting
Regis" figure... I even bought the optional "Hot Seat" for him to sit in, not
that I ever will take him out of his package so he can actually sit on it. I
feel bad for him sometimes, it can't be fun for him to spend his life inside that
plastic packing, but I'm sure it's better for him inside there that in the real
world."

He must of noticed by the look on my face that I thought he was a freakin' weirdo
and he quickly changed the subject. Unfortunately the new subject wasn't much
better.

"I'm actually really jealous of PhilbinPhan32, he got the rare "Pantsless Regis"
figure," Burden told us.

Apparently there was a few action figures that had accidentally had the pants
painted flesh color, giving the illusion that Regis was not wearing pants.

"PhilbinPhan32 outbid me on eBay for it. I bid $318 for it, but he swiped me at
the last second."

With or without his perverted toy, Burden will is able to comfort himself in
knowing that he will be one of the first to see the movie. And in the end isn't
that what life is really all about?

Labels: game shows, regis philbman, who wants to be a millionaire

Less than months away, Eminem is ready for the release of his next album. Only problem is he has no title for it.

Eminem's last three multi-platinum albums were titled the Slim Shady LP, The Marshall Mathers LP, and finally The Eminem Show. Every album has used another name he answer to. But after three, Eminem may have finally ran out of names to use. Does this mean Eminem will actually have to think of a title.

After thinking about it for a few months with no result, Eminem has started to ask family and friends for help. His mother has suggested the "Bitch Ass Son LP." and his good friends on alt.music.heavy-metal suggested the "Slim Anus Album," showing a lack of originality. His daughter Hailey suggested the "Daddy says bad words Album." But none of these have satisfied Eminem.

Eminem has thought about mixing names to create a mixture of names, like "Slim Mathers LP," or the "Shadymen EP." But Mathers has finally decided he just needs another nickname. Expect to see Eminem calling himself by the new moniker of "White Chocolate" in upcoming interviews.

Labels: eminem

Health advocates applauded McDonald's decision to remove their "Super Size" items from the menu. But they might be turning their grins upside down when they hear the news of what McDonalds has up it's sleeves.

"The supersize never sold well," Pimply teenage McDonalds's employee Joe Orsulak told us, "Some say it was too much food, but we think it's the opposite. That's why we're introducing the MegaSize."

McDonalds may have done away with it's 44oz Cola, but it's replacement will be 3 gallons. And the fries... don't ask about the fries.

You may think this news is great, being that you are most likely a obese gross person.* But what about the health issues.

"I eat McDonald's everyday, I get free meals as one of my benefits, the other one is the free uniform, and I notice no bad effects," Orsulak told us as he wiped the gooze coming out of a recently popped pimple from his fat face.

Plus, theirs more good news for health conscious McDonald's fans. The carb content in the fries has been cut by two! So even though it's overflowing with grease and high in fat it's Atkins safe.

McDonalds's expects to introduce these new sizes as soon as they get their purchase orders approved for the industrial strength toilets they'll need.

*Our studies show that most of the visitors to the site our gross obese people accidentally misspelling the web address cheesegood.com

Labels: atkins, joe orsulak, mcdonalds

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Labels: yankees

At Macfest 2004, the biweekly Apple show-off fest, the greatest portable gadget ever made since the iPod was introduced.

"People have been waiting for years for such a gadget," some Mac geek in attendance told us, "at long last we can toast bread on the go."

Yep, that's right folks! The iToaster is here.

"Just as you once could only listen to your mp3s at your house, you can only currenlty toast at your house," Steve Jobs told a crowd of adoring nerds, "Now we have taken a step forward and brought the world the first portable toaster."

The iToaster is expected to retail for about $300 and debut on the Apple website this spring. The iToaster mini is expected to debut later on. It only can toast a single slice at a time but will cost about $50 cheaper. And it will come in different colors. How cool is that? Huh.... well? ANSWER ME GOD DAMN IT....

Labels: apple, steve jobs, toast