Yesterday the official color guardian of the United States spun his magical color wheel and announced that the nation was back up to Orange alert.
A terrorist attack could be iminant. We could all die. Better go back out and get that duck tape. Osama is knocking on your door.
This is everything we've been told, well not everything. We've also being told not to panic. To go out about our normal business.
The Government tells us we should go about things as if the terror alert was never raised... SO WHY THE HELL DID THEY RAISE IT?
At any rate, the military is taking precautions. By posting soldiers in important building they've ensured us that if terrorists attack any of these points a couple of army guys will die this time too.
So far we haven't been told to buy any duct tape or plastic sheets, which is okay because all the idiots who bought it last time still have it. Of course all of us who didn't buy it last time are alright because we're not idiots who think clear plastic will save our lives.
But it doesn't matter, because we've have far more to fear. Jim Carry's new movie opens this weekend.
|
Labels: terrorists
If you live in New York City you have been through a lot lately. First smoking is banned from restaurants. Then the price of the pay toilets go up to $2.00... I mean the Subways. So it costs you more to get to work each day, but it doesn't matter because you've laid off.
So you decide to walk down to the bar and drown your sorrows... sorry pal. Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced yesterday that drinking will no longer be permited in bars.
"For the safety of the bartender we have decided to ban all alcohol consumption in bars," Bloomberg told a group of unemployed sanitation workers who were coming to pick up there last pay check.
Bloomberg went on to explain how drinking in bars caused safety issues.
"Well there's a chance when someone is drunk they'll vomit. And there are a lot of blood borne pathogens in vomit. In these days with SARS and all you can't be too safe," Bloomberg then boarded his private jet as he prepared to leave.
While bar owners are concerned that sales might go down and force them to lose business, Bloomberg assured them that they'd still be able to serve drinks. Patrons, however, would have to walk out to the street to actually consume them.
As Bloomberg's jet began to take off, it experienced engine trouble and caught on fire. Because all the fire fighters in the local firehouse had been laid off the fire wasn't put out for three hours. Bloomberg was badly burnt, but is okay now as he bought a new body from a desperate laid off cop who wasn't crooked enough to support himself through these tough times.
|
Labels: alcohol, michael bloomberg, new york
