It’s a Tuesday afternoon at the Broadway Mall in Hicksville, NY. Just like any other Tuesday during the summer, shoppers are out and about going about their merry way, perusing the mall.

But on this day Coca-cola has agents with coolers handing out free 20oz bottles of their latest diet soda, Coke Zero.

For those of you, who don’t know what exactly Coke Zero is, welcome to the club. I assumed it was just an attempt for Coke to outdo Pepsi One. I imagined that Pepsi would soon release a drink called Pepsi Negative One. This soda does not only have no calories, but would somehow actually remove one from your body upon drinking it. Unfortunately, for Pepsi anyway, Coke has beaten them to that too. They have announced they will be releasing a soda within the year that will actually burn about 50 calories when you drink it by speeding up your metabolism. Perhaps this time the soda will contain speed instead of cocaine.

Unfortunately, until that’s released, we’re stuck with Coke Zero. As mall patrons grabbed as much free soda as they could, some began to actually drink the beverage. The results were devastating.

The taste was horrible. People everywhere started cringing, slightly pulling their head back while making a frowning face. Some ventured tried to continue drinking, not wanting to waste a free drink. But ultimately the two-thirds full bottles began finding their way into trash cans… the floor… thrown on top of displays inside the mall… and anywhere else you could think of.

When one elderly man was stopped at the entrance of a store that did not allow food inside, he without hesitation threw the drink in a nearby trash can and grumbled, “It’s okay, the stuff tastes like crap anyway, no wonder they’re giving it away for free.”

Labels: coke zero, pepsi, soda

Eric Idle of Python fame gives his unique view on the FCC and censorship. Free legal download...

read more | digg story

Labels: eric idle, fcc

"Foooour-evvv-uh, Fooooour-evvv-uh"

Welcome to "Bad Movies I Like," what's bound to be the most beloved column I'll ever publish... or not. Hell, this might be the only one I ever I write. What's the point of making such a commitment.

This week, or month, or time, or whatever, we take a look at The Sandlot. This was basically a movie about a bunch of kids who play baseball. They just play themselves and never bother keep score or anything. Sounds exciting, eh?

This movie includes such memorable lines as "If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards." This was a favorite among my peers back in the day. They would use this line on each other between telling "Your Mamma" jokes they had heard on "In Living Color." This would be followed by laughter and served as proof that kids are dumb.

Who could forget the classic scene when the kids try chewing tobacco for the first time while riding a roller coaster, proving that kids in movies are dumb too. This leads to all the kids vomiting all each other and everyone. Did I mention this is a family film.

At a sleepover,the token fat kid says if he had to eat just one food for the rest of his life it'd be cherry flavored Pezz. Which actually doesn't like that bad of a choice to me. Hey, wasn't there a scene here about Smores too? It had some stupid joke like, "Do you want some Smores?" "Some more of what?" Ha! Genius!

Anyway, it's at this sleepover where the story of "The Beast" is told. "The Beast," according to this sequence, appears to a huge dog, like the size of Clifford. Only this dog is evil... although I've always had my suspicion about Clifford... and when is T-Bone going to get his own show... and I'm rambling off again, aren't I... AREN”T I?

So anyway, yes, this dog, or "The Beast," just happens to live next to The Sandlot. And, because the movie needs a plot, one kid accidentally hits his dad's autographed "Babe Ruth" baseball over the fence. And hilarity ensues. Well, maybe not.

The kids try all different types of things to get the ball back. Like using vacuums, catapults, and running real fast. But none if really matters because it turns out the the guy who owns "The Beast" is actually a kind old man played by James Earl Jones. He invites the kids in and tells the kids the virtues of Verizon DSL.

Did I mention Dennis Leary is in this movie? No? Well, that's because there really isn't any point of doing so.

They've recently come out with a sequel to this movie, creatively called "The Sandlot 2". In this movie a kid accidentally launches his dad's prized toy rocket over the fence where now a creature called "The Big Fear" lives. It might sound the same, but this time James Earl Jones tells them the virtues of the Bell Atlantic Yellow Pages.

"9 out of 10 use it, No other book can match it"

Labels: bad movies, dennis leary, sandlot

“They that give up liberty for a little temporary security, deserve neither liberty nor security” -- Benjamin Franklin

New York City Police have began doing random bag searches at subway stations. The goal, of course, to avoid a London like event here. Sounds reasonable of an objective enough. But does it really make any sense?

First off, for those of you who don't spend much time in New York City, let me tell you something about the folk over here. While we may have a very diverse population, there's one thing everyone has in common: we are impatient. New Yorkers are always in a rush. We don't like to wait for anything. Even when we have no where to go, we're in a hurry. If you ever tried to walk down 7^th avenue at a slightly slower pace you'll know what I'm talking about. Everyone will either walk or push by you. So, how can anyone really expect New Yorkers to spend a few valuable minutes of their time to get searched.

Not to mention everyone in New York is carrying a bag. Either going to work with your suitcase, shopping carrying your bought overpriced crud, or a tourist with your camera bag and fanny pack.

To top it off the system is horribly flawed. The bag searches are completely random. Only some will be searched, and if someone refuses (you have the right to refuse, at least the Patriot Act hasn't completely killed off the 4^th amendment) you just simply are not allowed to ride the subway. So, imagine if a terrorist were to actually try to get on a subway with a bomb, they more or less likely probably wouldn't even be searched. And if they were, they could simply refuse and try again later, or walk down the street to another subway station.

I'm not saying an attack is inevitable and therefor we should do nothing about it, but what about spending the money that these searches are costing on something that might actually stop terrorist attacks. Like how about more intelligence, that's always a good thing. Or how about giving it to Sally Struthers so she can feed those starving kids? At least then we'd actually would know we were doing something to save lives.

The simple fact is that there is no single simple solution to this problem. Just throwing a table with some guys at it in a subway station will create nothing but paranoia and annoyance. Everyone needs to take a step back and actually think for once, then perhaps we be able to come up with an actual solution.

Labels: ben franklin, sally struthers, security

These pictures, taken in 1984, were rumored by
one blog to have been taken for an issue of Teen Beat magazine. It's not
true though, they are actually were taken as PR photos for the release of Windows.
Somehow that doesn't seem to make my stomach churn any less though.

And why the hell are his eyes so red?

Anyway, just so this update isn't all bad, check out this
song by Bad Credit about Bill Gates.

Labels: bad credit, bill gates, microsoft, teen beat

Another invention that seems cool at first but is rather useless.

Sharp has invented a TV that, depending on which angle you are looking at from, can
show two different shows. Why? I don't know. They say it'll cost twice as a
normal TV, begging the question: Why not just buy two TVs. That two people can
watch two different shows without having sit on different ends of the couch while
wearing headphones. Whatever. I'm probably wrong, I usually am.

Click here for video if the television in action from CNN
Headline News. Video is in DiVx, if you can't play the video, click here and get the codec.

Labels: digg, sharp, television

Ah Willy Wonka... I grew up with you as part of childhood. You showed the
importance of imagination and that sometimes the often kicked down can get a lift
up.

But now comes along a remake with... Johnny Depp? What the hell? Could this remake
really be anywhere near as good as the original. This new version would have, we were
told, no music numbers, no Gene Wilder, no Slugworth. This one is suppose be
more like the book... but the book sucked (okay that's a lie, it didn't suck, but the
movie was better).

The best way for any movie to pleasantly surprise you is to go in expecting the
worse. And perhaps that's what happened. I thought the story telling was great. The visuals
were beautiful. I preferred each kid to the one that played them in the original.
And Johnny Depp wasn't as bad as I though he'd be (although he's still no Gene Wilder).

The movie had it's downfalls. I think we could of done without the Christopher Lee
daddy scenes, although I understand why they were there. The original book had no
plot, so the 1971 version added Slugworth, this one added Willy Wonka's childhood
issues. Also while Danny Elfman's score is up to it's usual high quality, the Oompa
Loompa numbers (the only songs in the movie for the most part) were overdone and
forgettable. The Oompa Loompa's singing is annoying and too hard too understand,
the lyrics were probably clever but I couldn't make most of them out. As they are
the songs were pretty much pointless and disposable.

But, most importantly this movie continues to let your imagination take over, forget about what's possible
and let yourself dream. That's one of the things I enjoyed about both the new and
old film versions, and the book too for that matter.

I feel bad saying it, it's almost as if I'm betraying my childhood, but I think I
like this version better. But my mind will probably change. The original Willy
Wonka still stands well over 30 years after being made, I can't see this Johnny Depp
standing that test of time.

Labels: johnny depp, reviews, willy wonka

I don't know why MySpace bugs me so much. It's kind of cool actually. It lets even the most brain dead idiots make web pages and keep in touch with others. Afterall I've found people I haven't seen in years through MySpace.

But some of those people on MySpace, actually most of them, they're just so... urgh. The way they encode annoying music & video right into the page. How they put a million pictures all over their profile. How they choose backgrounds that blend in way too much with the text color so you can't read anything. Oh, they must pay..

One thing that annoys me about MySpace is that everyone just links to pictures on other people's websites. They don't ask permission, or bother too upload it to their own webspace somewhere. They do this constantly to me, and this how I strike against them.

It seems many MySpace users decided they wanted to show their love of long time gone (for good reason) show, "Salute Your Shorts," by posting a picture from my site. But it seems I've accidentally deleted the picture and replaced it with a very inappropriate picture of Tom Selleck. Lets see how long it takes MySpace users to notice and remove the picture. Here are eight different MySpace profiles now showing this horrible image:

1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8

This isn't limited to MySpace of course, this Xanga user also is in the mix. As this illegal bootleg seller on ebay.

Cruel? Perhaps. But hey, they're getting links from me! Free publicity!

monkey porn!

Needing a break from curing cancer, scientists have made a major breakthrough in
monkey porn. Yep, monkey porn. Scientists of Duke University Medical Center
have discovered that monkeys will pay to see pictures of 'monkey bottoms.'

This is great news for those in the porno industry trying to attract an audience
other than teenage men, dirty old men, middle-aged men, and any other kind of
men you can think of.

Unfortunately the monkey so far can only pay in "juice rewards" to see these
'monkey bottoms.' But maybe now they can jobs to pay for their dirty habit.
Their has got to be something a monkey can do, I wonder how much that monkey on
Friends makes...

You can read more about this
wonder
ful phenomenom here.
By the way, I'm curious to see how many hits I get from people actually
searching for "monkey porn," or fat that matter what kind of ads google will put
on here using their "content targeting" system.

Labels: duke, monkey, porn

I usually don't just rip off other people's work, but I today's Non Sequitor to be quite amusing:

You can check out more Non Sequitor at ucomics.com.

Labels: fox, non sequitor

Just added an old Conan O'Brien clip with Andy Richter to crudpants. Given the subject of the skit I'd put the year around 1994, which would be only the second year of the show, but I'm not sure. Perhaps I should label my tapes better.

Crudpants.com is no more, I let it expire so now it'll just be cheesegod.com/crudpant. And that's the way it is.

Labels: bobbit, conan o' brien, crudpants

George W. Bush crashed his bicycle earlier today into a cop in Scotland. Bush suffered some scrapes on his hands and needed to be bandaged. The poor cop was taken to the hospital (although the injuries are apparently nothing too severe). The white house has blamed the crash on rain. The image on the right is an artist rendering of what the crash may have looked like.

This is the second time in as many years that Bush has crashed his bike. Last year he suffered abrasions to his chin, upper lip, nose, right hand and both knees when he crashed on his ranch in Texas.

Labels: bike, george bush, police, scotland

Cheesegod.com is now available via RSS feed! Wow! Cheesegod.com once again leading the way into the future. If you don't know what RSS is, too bad, because I don't feel like explaing it.

As for the rest of you, use the following link for your RSS needs:

http://cheesegod.com/cheesegod.rss

Now you won't have to visit this site anymore just to find out it hasn't been updated. Enjoy!

UPDATE (05.07.25): Okay, if you really want to know what RSS is, check out this post at wikipedia.

Labels: cheesegod.com, rss, updates

So as I was crumbling up the June 23rd Newsday to use as padding in a package I was mailing out I came accross this picture:

Apparently in Kosice, Slovakia newborns are foarced to listen to Mozart because it helps them "adapt better to life." What I don't get is why do they all need their own headphones? Are they listening to different songs? Second, why did they have to choose headphones bigger than the babies themselves?

Nonetheless, I think this photo would make a great album cover

Labels: music, newborns, slovakia