Hollywood morned the death of yet another celebrity as beloved actor Alf died earlier today after choking on a cat. Alf is best remembered playing an alien on the 80s sitcom sharing his name. Popularity of the sitcom soared, but Alf's uncontrolled addiction to Garbage Pail Kids caused him to take an early exit after just 4 seasons. The show was retooled with Henry Winkler taking over as the lead, but failed to retain viewers. After cleaning up and going straight in the '90s Alf still had a hard time finding work. He went on to star in a series of porno movies with moderate success. Finaly, after no longer being able to get work even in adult films, Alf sunk to his lowest, starring in series of long distance telephone commercials with fellow loser Mike Piazza. Alf's, whose full name was Alfred Slovanowich, death has not been ruled as a suicide as many suspected or hoped. Now that he's dead, The Hallmark channel announced it will begin showing ALF now twice a day since it no longer has to pay royalties. There will be a small funeral at the McDonalds on 5th and 42nd st. in NYC followed by the flushing of ALF down a toliet.

Alf, dead!

Labels: alf, garbage pail kids, henry winkler, mcdonalds

Labels: alf, circuit city, video games

Cheesegod.com has learned that International Terrorist Osama Bin Laden has been diagnosed with depression.

"Nobody wants to pay any attention to him anymore," Bin Laden's psychiatrist told us. "Everything is Hussein this and Hussein that. Sure Hussein killed and gassed a few people here and there, but that's nothing compared to Osama."

Neighbors have told us he barely ever leaves his cave anymore. He just hangs out all day in his robe and slippers on. Sounds of his sobbing often echoes from within.

"He always yelling, 'Who's building do you have to fly a plane into to get some attention around here!,'" one neighbor told us as she walked her poodle.

Reports indicate that Osama was especially upset when he heard that Bush want to spend an additional 87 billion dollars in Iraq, more than twice that being spent on homeland security.

"That money should be used to stop me, not Saddam. First he gets the credit for 9/11, now this," Osama has been known to cry out while sleeping.

"He just want attention," his psychiatrist told us in addition to what we already quoted him on above, "He's not such a bad guy. He just does bad things so people will pay attention to him. He's lonely. Poor guy."

Labels: hussein, iraq, osama

In a year that saw Pepsi and Coke introduce 82 new soda flavors, including Vanilla Coke, Live Wire Mountain Dew, Toothpaste flavor Dr. Pepper, Cookies and Onion Pepsi, nothing has changed. Coke is still number one, Pepsi number two.

Pepsi, sick of being second instead of one, decided they had little choice but to introduce the inevitable:

Coke flavored Pepsi

The new soda, which will only currently be released on a limited basis during the fall to stores with employees named frank, is Pepsi's latest desperate move to overthrow the Coke kingdom.

The soda, named Pepsi: Coke, is advertised as "The Coke flavored soda for a new generation." It is already being advertised on Spike TV and during repeats of Friends. The ads feature a group of dinosaurs drinking coke, who are destroyed by a giant meteor with the Pepsi logo on it when it lands on top of them.

This is just the latest Pepsi knockoff of a coke product. Wild cherry Pepsi came from Cherry Coke, Pepsi Vanilla came from Vanilla Coke, Sierra Mist came from 7-UP, Crystal Pepsi came from Urine found behind a building.

Experts agree however that this new Pepsi: Coke will do little to help sales. "People don't buy Coke because they like it's taste, that would be stupid," Tip Danzig, Professor of Soda related Studies at Suffolk Community college told us in a lesbian chatroom, "they buy it cause it has a red label... and it has Santa on it during Christmas time. And how can you turn down Santa?"

There was also plans to release a Tab flavored Pepsi, but that was decided to be "just dumb."

Labels: coke, pepsi, soda