This Week the government met on many important issues such as steroids in baseball and to make personal decisions for the Schiavo family. But one of the biggest debates came earlier today as it was time to decide the menu for the congressional cafeteria.

"Well the majority of us (the GOP) think Sloppy Joes should be served on Tuesdays," Tom Delay told us, "but those liberals think we should have tacos instead, how unamerican."

Democrats argued that tacos were much more cost effective and that the sloppy joes would cost the American tax payer up to three billion dollars a year. When asked about this inflated amount Hillary Clinton told us, "Well we did say 'up to' three billion. Plus Ted Kennedy likes a lot of extra slop on his sloppy joes, and that's only going to the cost of napkins."

We than pestered Clinton for twenty minutes on whether or not she was going to run for president, because as journalists it's the law for us to do so. She then refused to give us a straight answer, also by law.

John McCain apparently hates sloppy joes, but planned on voting for them along with his party. "Well, I, support the decision for sloppy joes to be served on Tuesdays." McCain then sighed and locked himself in a bathroom stall so no one could see him cry.

Republicans warned that having tacos would cause the local Target's hot sauce supply to be depleted by the year 2026.

John Kerry argued on the virtues of tacos and the evils of sloppy joes for a full twenty minutes. But he concluded by saying it didn't matter because the sloppy joes were going to win anyway. He then joined McCain in a neighboring stall to weep.

Sloppy joes is indeed predicted by experts to win, with voting going along party lines. Another two or three days are planned however to continue the debate. A break from the lunch debacle will be taken on Monday however to argue what show is better, Desperate Housewives or Kelsey Grammar Presents The Sketch Show.

Labels: hillary clinton, john kerry, john mccain, kelsey grammar, sloppy joes, target

After 51% of America announced to the rest of the world they're mentally retarded, the second term, first time elected, president spoke publicly about his plans for the future.

Kerry woke up yesterday morning to the realization that America was too worried about two dudes kissing to care about logic, he made the general "battle is lost, but the war is not over" speech. Bush, who always knew he'd win because Dick Cheney told him so, wasted no time continuing to make a fool of himself, telling the American public he was elected with a Mandate (in which you need 55% of the vote for). He also expressed concern over Illionois electing "Obama Sin Laden" to the senate.

Bush called a press conference and happily announced his plans for the future. Here are the highlights:

· Wars against Iran, Kuwait, France, North East America, and Melmac. Bush said he would not invade N. Korea because after the WWII stories his dad told him, he's afraid of the Japanese.

· Reinstate the Draft. All men between the ages of 16 to 59 will be forced to join the army and fight someone or other. Bush insisted this isn't a flip-flop, when he said there would be no draft he was referring to his bedroom, where he just finally had the windows shut.

· A Quadrillian Dollar Deficit. Because he wants to see what they'll do when they run out of space on the counters in New York City.

· 90% tax cut for the rich. It's trickle down economics at work.

· To read all the way through The Monster At The End Of This Book.

· Sleep, sit around, whatever...

When the press asked Bush what he thought American's would say about these plans, Bush responded, "What the hell do I care? What are they going to do? Not vote for me?" Bush then got in his new "Presidential Bike" and rode off to Chuck-E-Cheese where he spent the rest of the day.

Meanwhile Kerry ripped off his lucky red tie, his lucky Boston Red Sox cap, and removed his lucky Springsteen guitar pick from his pocket and yelled at them; "You've betrayed me for the last time!" He then took a dump in a paper bag, set it on fire, and left it on John O' Neil's door step.

Labels: alf, barack obama, george bush, john kerry

26	Number of Times Bush to blame 9/11 for his problems
2	Amount of times Bush expected to chuckle when Kerry calls him a "Master Debator"
8	The amount of toes on Kerry's right foot
31	Amount of times Bush will use 9/11 to justify being reelected
3	How many people will find something on this site amusing
536	Amount of times Bush will call Kerry a 'Flip Flopper'
1	How Many times Kerry will defend himself against Bush
None	How many balls John Kerry has
201,054	How many words will avoid using because he can't pronounce them
29	How many years ago the Vietnam War ended
11	The percentage of people that will base their vote on the Vietnam war
1	How many times Bush will use 9/11 to justify getting Dan Rather fired (he's a very confused little boy)
3	How many times Kerry's wife will make him plug Heinz ketchup during the debate
2486	The amount of lies Dick Cheney will tell
2487	The amount of lies the American people will beileve
0	How many things that will be accomplished tonight

Labels: 2004 election, debates, george bush, john kerry

s thousands are expected to line up tonight at the Virgin record store tonight for their chance to get a copy of the highly anticipated Star Wars DVD, early reviewers are warning that it will be disappointing to hardcore fans.

George Lucas just can't help but tinker with his old films. Improving special effects is one thing, but this time Lucas has gone overboard.

How bad could it be you ask? Well, for one, it seems George Lucas wants to make sure fans are able to link the new Star Wars films with the old ones. He's done this replacing several actors in the trilogy with the ones that played them in the new films. At a couple of points throughout the film Darth Vader lifts his visor to reveal Hayden Christensen underneath, who proceeds to wink at the audience. It also seems it's now necessary for Princess Leila to have a tattoo on her right arm of Natalie Portman with the word "Mom" underneath.

But perhaps these are just little nitpicks compared to the added scene of Jabba the Hut meeting up with Howard The Duck to discuss John Kerry's Vietnam record. And if you think that's odd, it seems Lucas has decided he wanted give fans something they really want by adding the death of Jar Jar Binks to Episode IV. Not that fans won't appreciate it, but the storyline of Jar Jar's husband taking him out on a boat and strangling him before dumping him over the side seems both out of place and inappropriate.

Did I mention the product placement? Oh yes, surely I did. Halfway through the ewok battle scene in Return Of The Jedi the ewoks line up and do the Pepto-Bismol dance.

But perhaps I'm making too big of a deal over all this. Many of the fans we interviewed complained immensely about the changes but then conceded to spend the $60 to preorder the DVD anyway... as well as $80 on the new "DVD edition" action figures... and $20 on the Star Wars DVD T-shirt.... and $55 on the new Star Wars Video Game... and $10 on the Star Wars brand Shaving Cream.

May the farce be with you!

Labels: george lucas, howard the duck, john kerry, star wars

We here at cheesegod.com have just learned the awful truth about Kerry. It goes
beyond just lying about his Vietnam stay this time. It seems Kerry is actually Adolf
Hitler.

Swift Boat Veterans was the group that was resourceful enough to know about Kerry's
false antics during Vietnam although they never actually were with him at any point
during the war. They even seem to know better than any person that actually was on
the same boat as Kerry!. Well Swift Boat has done it again with this exclusive
information.

It seems Hitler never actually died during World War II. He's just been riding low
for a while until now, posing as John Kerry, hoping to take over America. Kind of
like how the Changelings of the Dominion posed as the leader of the Klingon empire to
start a war with the Federation in order to weaken both sides before their own
invasion. Of course this Klingon-Federation war won't happen for a few hundred years, but I believe it's going to happen. The source seems just as good as telling stories as Swift Boat.

What proof do they have that Kerry is Hitler you ask? Well what about that picture on
the right? Also one member of Swift boat, late one night after doing some coke, said
he saw John Kerry in a 7-Eleven parking lot spray painting Nazi Symbols on Trolls.
Another member is also quick to point out that we've never seen Hitler and Kerry in
the same place. A point made even scarier when I realized that I've never seen
myself and Tony Danza in the same place at the same time, which kept me up all night
wondering. Well that kept me up as well as the Fire Alarm that kept chirping because
it was low on batteries. Oh yeah, and the fact that I ate 52 marshmallow Peeps left
over from Easter. My stool was yellow!

Thank god for these third party campaigning places such as Moveon.org and Swift Boat.
There just wasn't enough mud slinging before Campaign Finance Reform.

Labels: 7-eleven, adolf hittler, john kerry, moveon.org, peeps, swift boat

A couple of months ago some hoped that John would choose John as his running mate.
But today John named John as his running mate for the 2004 election.

"Together, I and John will take America Back," John told reporters including Jon of the daily show and me, Jon of cheesegod.com.

John had discussed with John about being his running mate, but unfortunately John did
not support John. So instead, after placing a phone call to John last night, John
chose John as his running mate,"

But the White house is already firing back.

"John is John's second choice. He wanted John. But John turned John down. Now John
is stuck with John," a non-John spokesperson told me, Jon.

When John was asked how he was going to get to his first appearance with John since
naming the John & John ticket, John said, "Well, It's like John sang, 'I'm Leaving On
A Jet Plane'"

"Now, I would love to talk about John more," John told us, "But I need to use the
John."

John and John of They Might Be Giants had no comment.

Labels: 2004 election, john edwards, john kerry, john mccain, they might be giants