The History Channel earlier this month aired a new special about Abe Lincoln. Being an Abe Lincoln fan, I tuned in. But what I found seemed to be less Lincoln and more Lost.

This documentary had the usual experts talking over reenactments, but something was different. The programs suppose to take place on Lincoln's final day alive, from his point of view (probably because they couldn't find an actor that looked enough like Lincoln). As Lincoln seems to wander around aimlessly he has flashbacks to events earlier in his life that helped lead him to these decisions. Sound familiar? It would if you are a regular viewer of ABC's Lost.

The entire documentary is filled with over dramatic music and camera angles. In fact the beginning “music” sounds as if it was directly lifted from the science fiction drama. Abe Lincoln even seems to see his dead father at one point, reminding me of when Jack kept seeing his dead father in the pilot episode.

Was this done to try to make Lincoln “cool” or did it just happened to be made by some guy who just watched the first season of Lost on DVD and felt inspired.

I have included a video snippet, just long enough so you can get the idea, and hopefully small enough that my bandwidth won't get killed. Enjoy!

Video clip 3.5mb (Windows Media)

As you no doubt have already heard, Bin Laden released another tape this week to put to rest the rumours of his death and to offer a truce. No one has yet to post a full transcript of this tape yet because of warnings from the FBI that a certain wording may trigger a sleaper cell or swomething. However all of us at cheesegod.com are jerks and are posting it anyway. Here is the full transcript of the exchange:

Good afternoon, this is Osama Bin Laden, AKA Usama Bin Laden, AKA Henry. I speak to you today to dismiss the rumors of my death. No, it is impossible for me to be dead, for the dead can not make audio tapes. Especially not audio tapes that are of as high quality as this one. I used a TDK brand cassette tape, I find the their quality is quite the best. Maxell is okay, even Sony makes a pretty good tape, but for death threats to come out their clearest I believe TDK is the way to go.

Some American imperialists may have you believe that the dead can make tapes. The American Thomas Edison even invented a phone to talk to the dead, but not a phone for the dead to talk to the living. He did invent a phone for the dead to talk to other dead, but that's just silly. Unless you are dead, then in which case this could be a possibility that I too am dead. But if you are alive, then you know fully well that I too am alive. Americans like to make shows like Medium and Crossing Over where dead people communicate with the living, but that's just all bullcrud..

Now, moving on from this whole dead thing, have you ever wondered what TDK stands for anyway? A friend told me it stands for “The Demonic Kangaroo,” but I don't believe him. I asked him why someone would name a cassette tape brand that. He said that it's because they make things other than cassettes, but still, seems silly to me. I bet he lied.

What? I'm running out of tape already. Damn it, I told them to buy the 90 minute tapes, Jesus Christ. Alright, alright. Man, I didn't even get to make any death threats yet. How much time... okay, okay.

Listen folks. There will be more attacks on America... um... let's have a truce... We'll rebuild Iraq together.. let's end this fussin' and the feudin'. I'll take you to a movie. I heard that Brokeback Mountain is pretty good, but two guys making out? Bleh. Not my cup of tea. I much rather see Cheaper By The Dozen 2, that Eugene Levy cracks me up. I just downloaded The Man... oh crap, there I go, rambling on again. See you later, gotta go. Peace.

Non-Amazing Fact: If it were 21 years ago it’d be 1985, the central point of the 1980s.

To celebrate this non-amazing fact about the 1980s, I am proud… well, proud is too strong of a word, how about… somewhat giddy, yes somewhat giddy to present 11 amazing facts about the 1980s. Here we go…

Amazing Fact: Before he helped pioneer podcasting, Adam Curry was a VJ on MTV where he presented the top 20 videos each week. What is more amazing about this fact, that Adam Curry was actually considered cool or that MTV used to show music videos? You decide! To decide send a 3x7 postcard with your decision in 8,091 words or more to Jay Leno, 3000 West Alemeda ave, Burbank Cal.

Amazing Fact: No one has ever found Chevy Chase to be funny. We just went to see his movies out of pitty for him.

Amazing Fact: It was a tear in a parallel universe vortex that caused a merger with the Bizzaro world for a short time that led to the Mets winning the world series. It had nothing to do with Dwight Gooden’s Floor Wax sniffing addiction however.

Amazing Fact: People used to recognize Steve Guttenburgh as an actor instead of just a lyric from the Stonecutter’s song on The Simpsons.

Amazing Fact: The game Donkey Kong was actually based on the lives of Marlan Brando and Chuck Norriss.

Amazing Fact: The cable company used to only carry 36 stations. They now carry the same 36, but with an additional 200 home shopping networks.

Amazing Fact: The new Coke was not actually supposed to replace the original Coke flavor. It resulted when the soda syrup supply was accidentally tainted with a vat of hobo urine. New Coke was the best method the marketing department could come up with to not waste all that soda.

Amazing Fact: Bill Gates first achieved world domination in the 1980s thanks to the popularity of Microsoft and his lucky socks.

Amazing Fact: The first iPod debuted in 1984 but was widely unpopular due to it being 2 feet wide and 5 feet tall. While it did hold an impressive 2 mp3s, no one cared since mp3s had not been invented yet.

Amazing Fact: Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and Dave Thomas were all still alive. They often went skiing and would enjoy a Wendy’s brand chili together.

Amazing Fact: Mr. Bean debuted and was widely popular until it was revealed that it was actually a reality show starring a real retarded man who once killed a rat by petting it to hard.

So why did Tom Delay resign as senate leader? Was it the allegations of illegal activity? Was it the pressure of having to justify having such a great parking spot in the senate parking lot? Or was it his horrible odor?

Even John McCain took notice when Tom Delay would walk into the senate floor. Despite having nasal surgery two years ago the ripe odor of Delay was enough to make him vomit. Did Clinton really try to hold the elevator door for Delay, or did she purposely let it close on his face so she wouldn't have to be in a confined space?

Delay says he retired to spend time with his family. But are you aware that democrats brain washed Delay into thinking this? Democrats were afraid they would not be able to filibuster with Delay in the room, no doubt the odor would be too much for them all to stay indoors that long. Delay actually doesn't have a real family, just a couple of Mexican immigrants he paid to play the part of his family for campaigning purposes.

Unknown to most people, including everyone, is the fact that Ted Kennedy also has a unique smell that most people do not like. At a party Strom Thurman once remarked that Kennedy's odor reminded him of whiskey and chicken pot pie, a delicacy that Thurman often enjoyed in the old phone booth behind the official senate McDonald's.

Could it be that Tom Delay's odor was not real, and just made up by the left to further embarrasses the right? Could perhaps the saying, “Thou who smelt it, delt it” apply to the left as well? Might the left be going too far this time, perhaps either further than that time they put that poisonous cobra in Ronald Reagen's underwear drawer? Is it possible that having a paragraph completely composed of questions is not considered proper writing?

These questions return no results when submitted to Ask Jeeves, so therefor must be unanswerable. Perhaps we are best off coming to our own conclusions. What's my conclusion, and therefor should be yours too? Money. Follow the money and, well, if your following money it's probably being pulled by someone with a fishing line having a laugh at your expense. And that makes you a patsy. Good day.

I was contacted by a strange a day ago tellin me they liked the conversation I had with someone named EvilCow. Having no clue what they were talking about they directed me to this website which has a IM conversation between this EvilCow person and a person named Cheese God. I do not recall however this conversation or ever talking to anyone named EvilCow. Upon reading this IM conversation it does seem bad enough that it may in fact be something I might have done. For your enjoyment, here it is in full:

EvilCow4ever: Angel has a few questions for you
Cheese God: ok, shoot
EvilCow4ever: question 1: Did cheese make you their god?
EvilCow4ever: question 2: Of what kind of cheese are you the god?
Cheese God: i am a master of cheese. my mastery of cheese won the favor of the cheese population, thus giving me godhood
EvilCow4ever: question 4: Of what type of big cheese are you claiming to be the god? She said question 3 didn't matter.
Cheese God: #2...i am god of all that is cheese
EvilCow4ever: question 5: does that make all the other, less-favored cheeses jealous?
Cheese God: #4...even the little cheese see me as a god. i am big
Cheese God: #5...i treat all cheese well, for they are all tasty and have much to offer. some cheese has higher positions in society, but thats government
EvilCow4ever: question 6: why do bad things happen to good cheese?
Cheese God: #6 every cheese has a lifespan. as they get old, they get ill(mold). its the way of life. everything must die
Cheese God: only the good cheese die young
Cheese God: cept cheddar...it has a long lifespan for some reason
EvilCow4ever: question 7: Since you are Cheese God, is there something you can do about the smell of Limburger?
EvilCow4ever: question 8: Why do some cheeses get to live longer than others? isn't that favoritism?
Cheese God: #7 i prefer to not deal with the smell
EvilCow4ever: question 9, in reference to question 7: if you prefer not to deal with the smell, wouldn't it be easier to get rid of the smell?
Cheese God: #8 different cheeses are like different species. all live different spans
EvilCow4ever: question 10: Is there a cheese heaven?
Cheese God: #9...as a god, its not really my place to directly intervene
EvilCow4ever: and if so what is cheese hell like?
Cheese God: having mold that will never eat away at you...you are forever stuck outside the fridge with mold
Cheese God: makes a bad smell and no one wants to eat you
EvilCow4ever: Damn you are cruel......
EvilCow4ever: so what is cheese heaven like?
EvilCow4ever: question some-random-number: Do you love all cheeses equally, or do you favor one over most, like Israelites?
Cheese God: paradise...a cool enviroment where these is no mold and all the people love you
EvilCow4ever: question whosit: was there an application or screening process to this god-position, or did the cheese just one day proclaim you as their god?
Cheese God: my love for the cheese made them see me as beyond any mere human
EvilCow4ever: ahh. So it was an adoration-type thing.
Cheese God: yup
EvilCow4ever: So has one cheese found favor with you more than others?
Cheese God: some cheese always have higher opinions, but i love all cheese
EvilCow4ever: ooh. so you're an equal-opportunity god.
EvilCow4ever: Okay. I think that is all the questions we have for you today.
Cheese God: didnt think id answer it all did you
Cheese God: some cheese try to cross me out of rebellion
EvilCow4ever: I'm happy you took time out of your busy, divine schedule to answer all our questions.

Here are cheesegod.com's predictions for 2006, guaranteed to come true.

1)George W. Bush will say something with incredibly bad grammar, video of it will circulate of it online for a while until he says something else dumb, and the entire process will repeat.

2)A show will be canceled, much to the dismay of it's fans. In an effort to save the show, fans will flock to message boards and post “Burn in Hell, (insert network name here)".

3)King Kong will be released on DVD. Much hype will be created, little care will be shown.

4)Bill O'Reily will continue to have the highest rated news program, proving it's perfectly fine to be a poop orifice on TV, but for some reason it's inappropriate at your 4 year old daughters birthday party.

5)An embarrassing video of some kid will be uploaded to the internet. Everyone will laugh, except that kid, whose life will be ruined and will be reduced to suicide.

6)ABC's hit show Lost will continue to draw people into tuning every week, yet the plot will drag on and continue to go nowhere as the writers just make crap up as they go along.

7)Steve Guttenburg will not be a major box office draw.

8)Conan O'Brien will do some stupid dance that will greatly amuse his audience every night. This will continue the irony of the fact that Conan acts like a brain dead idiot to amuse actual brain dead idiots.

9)Richard Nixon will not rise from the dead. He will not become a brain sucking vampire. He will not challenge Al Franken to fisticuffs. He will not star in the Broadway musical Cats.

10)A ton of books written by left wing writers about how right wing writers lie and are ruing America. A ton of books will be written in retaliation by right wing authors about how left wing writers are liars and are ruing America. Publishers will make much money off of both.

11)Apple will release some products that are cool but may have flaws. However anyone who points out one of these flaws will be labeled as a Microsoft using dumbass by Apple users.

12)Windows will have many many many many more flaws come to light, proving that people who do use Microsoft actually are dumbasses.

13)Someone who was never liked much will suddenly become greatly admired... after they die.

14)I will not be able to come up with a 15th prediction.