A friend of mine, John Chainey, often writes letters to the editor, but they never get published. Here is a letter he recently uncovered from his desk. See if you can figure out why it may of been rejected:

"I work in a movie theatre. A little old church lady came to the theatre as part of a Lutheran high school group to see “Passion of the Christ.” In the course of friendly conversation I told her the movie was extremely violent and brutal. With a beaming smile, she told me she had already seen the film, this was her second time, and she couldn't wait for it to come out on DVD.

She loved the movie. Watching it through the eyes of a believer, she saw a picture about the pain her savior suffered because he loved her.

I, on the other hand, viewing it through secular eyes, I saw a picture of brutal, bloody violence. It was disgusting. I call it a sadomasochist snuff film.

If this movie was called Passion of, say John Chainey (that would be me), and they beat the sh*t out of me for two hours, this woman would be the last person ever to want to see it."

Labels: chainey, christ, movies, passion of the christ

Cheesegod.com, as promised, has been updated every Monday so far this year. Four weeks down, 48 to go. Can I keep it up? Probably not... but I can try.

In case you've missed anything, here's everything so far:

1/5/07 - Times VS Post

1/12/07 - When Apple Runs Out Of Ideas

1/19/07 - Facts you won't find in Wikipedia

1/26/07 - When Wii Attacks

Hope you've enjoyed your 2007 so far!

Labels: cheesegod.com, updates

I was reading the latest Nintendo Power today, I do so as to fit in with the rest of the kids, and I noticed the above advertisement.

There are a number of things about this ad that either confuse me, I find interesting, I find interesting because it confuses me, or I find so interesting that I get confused how I could find something this mundane of any interest.

First, this kid is ugly. He looks like Charlie Brown if someone sat on his head. He also is either very limber, or his bones somehow can bend. Perhaps his pot is for medicinal purposes because of the severe pain he's in from his boneitus. Maybe he's smoking it because he's so ugly that, um, I don't know, I guess there's not really any reason why you smoke pot because you were ugly.

This kid also seems to only have one wall in his house. And his only furniture is a pillow and a pot plant. Maybe this ad is trying to tell us that if you waste all your money on pot you can't afford to have such luxurious things like chairs, or walls, or a color besides mustard yellow.

But the main message here seems to be that smoking a joint will make you too lazy to walk the dog and you'll lose his respect. This guy's house will not only have a horrible smell of marijuana, but also will stink of dog crap and dog urine because no one taking the dog out. It's a good thing that this guy is missing a wall, it'll help air the place out.

Labels: anti-drug, dogs, drugs, marijuana, nintendo, pot, weed

Having Verizon Fios TV gives new options of programing to enjoy... unfortunately the "Smile of a Child" network doesn't seem to be one of them.

SMILE is a network for children that feature "Christian friendly" programing. I often pause on the station when I channel surf, not because I'm a Christian child, but because I like to laugh at low-budget low-quality stuff. But when stopped to enjoy an episode of "Colby's Clubhouse" I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

When I tuned a group of kids were talking to a WWII veteran in a park... well at least a middle aged guy pretending to be a WWII veteran. After learning he was in the great war, one of the kids told him he must have had a lot of fun fighting. He told the children about how he fought for the country and saw a lot of his friends die.

To show their appreciation of his heroics they sing him a song, which includes the kids marching in place and saluting the American flag. The WWII vet is touched by their song, but unfortunately at this point a cop kicks the vet out of the park because "the park isn't a camping ground for the homeless."

The kids go to the clubhouse to talk to Colby, who, by the way seems to a Casio keyboard with a face made out of foam rubber. The kids ask Colby why God would let a person who fought for our country to wind up homeless. Colby tells the children, all we know about this WWII veteran is that he fought in a war. We don't know what he's done since, or what he'll do in the future.

So, in other words, he deserves it. Don't question God's way. Shut up kids, quit your whining.

Right before I flipped to the next station they decided to pray for the veteran. Better than nothing I suppose.

Labels: casio, clubhouse, colby, fios, god, verizon, wwii

Gatoraid was accidentally invented when a scientist put too much water, and not enough mix into his Koolaid. Also, despite popular belief, there isn't actually any alligator in Gatoraid, but it was one of the most notorious serial killers of all time.

The average ant can lift 10 times it's own weight, but can not lift it's own spirits.

TV Sitcom, The Hogan Family, had nothing to do with Hulk Hogan... sorry.

ABC launched a sister station in the early nineties cleverly called DEF. It was the first major network to be targeted towards Deaf people. The programing mirrored that of ABC, but all the actors would yell their lines so all could hear. However, it caused John Stamos to lose his voice causing ABC's biggest show, Full House to go off the air for a month. ABC went bankrupt, leaving the network vulnerable to a take over from Disney.

Grossman's Hardware store was named because they sold every item in units of 144.... and the guy who owned the place always had his fingers up his nose.

Every time I go to Taco Bell, I see plenty of Tacos, but never any bells. I see a bell at Long John Silver's, but never any long johns nor any silver. One time at White Castle I saw a guy with silver teeth wearing nothing but long johns... but I think he was a tad touched in the head.

Labels: abc, ant, full house, gatorade, grossmans, hogan family, hulk hogan, john stamos, koolaid, long john silvers, taco bell, white castle

Hey pals,

cheesegod.com has undergone some small changes. What you're reading now is no longer the only attraction, this is now the blog section of the site. These blog posts will no longer be the first thing you see when you visit cheesegod.com, instead the main page will be reserved for crappy comics, crappy fake news stories, and some other stuff, also guaranteed to be crappy. Updates on the main page will now occur weekly, rather than never as it previously did (or didn't... stupid grammar).

Also, in case you have not been counting, this will be the tenth year of the cheesegod website. The appropriate way to celebrate this occasion would be to do nothing, as it means nothing, but I'll manage to do a little more than that to mark this somewhat special occasion.

Labels: anniversary, change, redesign