6/28/2007
Here Cometh The iPhone
So many troubles in the world. World hunger. Wars being fought. People dying from incurable diseases. Global warming (or a natural state of climate change if you're a mental midget.) But none of these will matter any more come this Friday. The iPhone is coming.
Oh yes, their will be no more choosing whether to carry your iPod, camera, cell phone, or bible with you. Now you can take them all in one magnificent shiny black box. The iPhone is coming.
No longer will you have to go a single second wondering if anyone has posted a comment to your myspace page. Next time you have the urge to watch the latest idiot lip-syncing to a Backstreet Boys song while on the bus you can. The iPhone is coming.
This Friday you'll be able to increase your credit card debt another $500 to $600. You'll finally be able to spend $60 or more a month on a cell phone plan.
The iPhone is coming.
You can finally leave your wife, quit your job, blow off your friends, burn down your house (or better yet sell it, you'll need to cash to pay for the phone), crash your car, give away all your clothes, saw off your legs, and carve out your imagination. You don't need any of it anymore. The iPhone is coming.
The iPhone is shiny, smooth, sexy, and without a doubt, the greatest thing to happen to you since birth. It is the reason you were born. Your only purpose in life is to own this contraption. You must give yourself over to it. Surrender your mind, spirit, and soul. The Holy Trinity is now the Holy Square. The Son, the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the iPhone. Actually, who needs all that extra filler, let's make the Holy Trinity Steve Jobs, Apple, and the iPhone.
After Friday, the iPhone will the new favorite for President in the 2008 election. An iPhone will replace the book on the Statue of Liberty. The iPhone will be carved into the side of Mount Rushmore. The iPhone will be named the new host of Price is Right. The Yankees will sign the iPhone for 22 million dollars. The iPhone will be the subject of the next Michael Moore documentary.
The world is changing, it's getting better. Their has never been a more exciting time to be alive. Pure happiness. Some have surmised, probably correctly, that everyone is going to die Friday, because the iPhone is heaven.
Dates will now end in the prefix BP and AP, before iPhone and After iPhone.
Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself, for the the best, most exciting, thing to ever happen to you.... until the second generation iPhone is announced.
Oh yes, their will be no more choosing whether to carry your iPod, camera, cell phone, or bible with you. Now you can take them all in one magnificent shiny black box. The iPhone is coming.
No longer will you have to go a single second wondering if anyone has posted a comment to your myspace page. Next time you have the urge to watch the latest idiot lip-syncing to a Backstreet Boys song while on the bus you can. The iPhone is coming.
This Friday you'll be able to increase your credit card debt another $500 to $600. You'll finally be able to spend $60 or more a month on a cell phone plan.
The iPhone is coming.
You can finally leave your wife, quit your job, blow off your friends, burn down your house (or better yet sell it, you'll need to cash to pay for the phone), crash your car, give away all your clothes, saw off your legs, and carve out your imagination. You don't need any of it anymore. The iPhone is coming.
The iPhone is shiny, smooth, sexy, and without a doubt, the greatest thing to happen to you since birth. It is the reason you were born. Your only purpose in life is to own this contraption. You must give yourself over to it. Surrender your mind, spirit, and soul. The Holy Trinity is now the Holy Square. The Son, the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the iPhone. Actually, who needs all that extra filler, let's make the Holy Trinity Steve Jobs, Apple, and the iPhone.
After Friday, the iPhone will the new favorite for President in the 2008 election. An iPhone will replace the book on the Statue of Liberty. The iPhone will be carved into the side of Mount Rushmore. The iPhone will be named the new host of Price is Right. The Yankees will sign the iPhone for 22 million dollars. The iPhone will be the subject of the next Michael Moore documentary.
The world is changing, it's getting better. Their has never been a more exciting time to be alive. Pure happiness. Some have surmised, probably correctly, that everyone is going to die Friday, because the iPhone is heaven.
Dates will now end in the prefix BP and AP, before iPhone and After iPhone.
Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself, for the the best, most exciting, thing to ever happen to you.... until the second generation iPhone is announced.
Labels: apple, iphone, steve jobs
6/26/2007
Kids Can Be Gamers Too
WARNING: The following contains gamer terminology you may not understand. If you come to something that makes little or no sense to you, just consider it to be something geeky and move onto the next sentence. It may help if you picture these terms being said by a guy with taped thick glasses, a pocket protector, and his pants hiked up to his chest. I can't help it if you're not 1337 enough to understand.
Us adults are so lucky. We get to waste entire days away playing online games. Sitting on our numb posteriors, staring at our warm glowing monitors until our eyes dry up... then we remember to blink and we play some more. We play hooky from our jobs, skip school, and ignore housework just so we can be one step closer to gaining that level 42 headdress. You know the one, it has +32 healing chance, +108 armor, a slight increase in hit probability, but unfortunately it also a 36% decrease in hygiene.
Yep, we sure are cool. But what about our children? How are we suppose to be able to watch them and farm spider eggs at the same time? Yeah, you can park them in front of the TV or buy them another Game Boy game. But really, how many times can they watch High School Musical or suffer through yet another Pokemon game. Yeah, that's right Pikachu, I'm calling you out. What's with your crazy games being released in pairs anyway? Red & Blue, Silver & Gold, Diamond & Pearl, Milk & Cookies, Goofus & Gallant. I'm tired of it.
It'd be great if we could keep our kids busy with online games too. But the chatrooms ruin that. You never know what elf or wizard might be a pedophile. After all, pedophiles are everywhere nowadays; at the park, at our schools, at the mall, on dateline NBC, on the internets, in my crackerjacks, or on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (AKA the show where every week they somehow manage to come up with another exciting way someone can be raped and murdered, now that's quality TV.) Last night I shot a pedophile in my pajamas, how he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Ironically, if it wasn't for those darn pedophiles (Those Darn Pedophiles? Isn't that a sitcom on FOX this fall?) online games would be almost perfect for kids. Kids love video games, it'd keep out of that damn sun that gives them skin cancer, keep them away from the parks where even it almost slightly possible social interaction is waiting for them, and all the people already playing these games seem to have the same mental capability as an eight year old anyway.
But wait! The Canadians have saved the day once again (the other time being when they provided us with Keanu Reeves, I cry every time at the ending of Hardball... or am I thinking of Constantine, I always get those two confused). Canadian company Ganz has provided us with Webkinz. It can best be described as Beanie babies, simple online gaming, and a huge mass of fecal matter mixed together.
Kids can buy a stuffed animal from their favorite Hallmark store and then register it on the Webkinz website where they can now play with a cartoon version of it online. Kids can watch with amazement has they mix three random items to make food for their pets or buy furniture for them to crawl around on. But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
I just said "buy." You can buy anything without cash, kinzcash that is (oh snap!). Kinzcash can be earned by playing super simple flash games. Just picture one of those games from Pogo or Yahoo! Games but with an annoying talking animated dog or a farting weasel (alright, alright, there's no farting weasel, but a boy can dream, can't he?). If you thought that stupid Microsoft Word animated paper clip that doesn't mind his own business was annoying, well... those of who have experience the annoying talking webkinz animals have a word for you folk, "virgins."
And that brings me to the social interaction part. Your kids will be able to meet people in the game and show them the little house you regurgitated for your pet or compete in cooking contest with them. Fortunately for overprotective parents like you, you'll be happy to hear that Ganz has taking every step to make this experience as kid safe and free from fun as possible. Your kids can talk to them all you like, but don't expect any real conversation, all chats are limited to whatever you can select from a drop down menu of preselected banter. So, they will not be able to tell anyone, "Hey, your house looks like Goatse," or "Hey little girl, wanna see my Goatse." In fact, there's no references to Goatse at all in this game, and when you come down to it, isn't that what online gaming all about... well, it isn't, you sicko.
And your lucky child will be able to this all they'd like for a year, at which point I suppose their pet is placed under virtual house arrest and not allowed any visitors. But not to fret, their pet can be set free for another year with the purchase of another Webinz. Not that's really that bad of a price to pay, considering popular online games such as Lord of the Rings Online or Everquest cost about $15 a month to play. Of course those two games aren't horrible, well... not Lord of the Rings anyway. Not that any of this matters, by the time a year rolls around Webkinz will be as popular with your children as a Tamagotchi.
In case your wondering, your pet can't die, no matter how much you neglect them or treat them poorly. Which means your child isn't going to really learn any responsibility from Webkinz. But, whatever they do learn from it., it'll probably be better than any parent who just pawn their kid off onto video games and TV can.
Us adults are so lucky. We get to waste entire days away playing online games. Sitting on our numb posteriors, staring at our warm glowing monitors until our eyes dry up... then we remember to blink and we play some more. We play hooky from our jobs, skip school, and ignore housework just so we can be one step closer to gaining that level 42 headdress. You know the one, it has +32 healing chance, +108 armor, a slight increase in hit probability, but unfortunately it also a 36% decrease in hygiene.Yep, we sure are cool. But what about our children? How are we suppose to be able to watch them and farm spider eggs at the same time? Yeah, you can park them in front of the TV or buy them another Game Boy game. But really, how many times can they watch High School Musical or suffer through yet another Pokemon game. Yeah, that's right Pikachu, I'm calling you out. What's with your crazy games being released in pairs anyway? Red & Blue, Silver & Gold, Diamond & Pearl, Milk & Cookies, Goofus & Gallant. I'm tired of it.
It'd be great if we could keep our kids busy with online games too. But the chatrooms ruin that. You never know what elf or wizard might be a pedophile. After all, pedophiles are everywhere nowadays; at the park, at our schools, at the mall, on dateline NBC, on the internets, in my crackerjacks, or on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (AKA the show where every week they somehow manage to come up with another exciting way someone can be raped and murdered, now that's quality TV.) Last night I shot a pedophile in my pajamas, how he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Ironically, if it wasn't for those darn pedophiles (Those Darn Pedophiles? Isn't that a sitcom on FOX this fall?) online games would be almost perfect for kids. Kids love video games, it'd keep out of that damn sun that gives them skin cancer, keep them away from the parks where even it almost slightly possible social interaction is waiting for them, and all the people already playing these games seem to have the same mental capability as an eight year old anyway.
But wait! The Canadians have saved the day once again (the other time being when they provided us with Keanu Reeves, I cry every time at the ending of Hardball... or am I thinking of Constantine, I always get those two confused). Canadian company Ganz has provided us with Webkinz. It can best be described as Beanie babies, simple online gaming, and a huge mass of fecal matter mixed together.
Kids can buy a stuffed animal from their favorite Hallmark store and then register it on the Webkinz website where they can now play with a cartoon version of it online. Kids can watch with amazement has they mix three random items to make food for their pets or buy furniture for them to crawl around on. But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.
I just said "buy." You can buy anything without cash, kinzcash that is (oh snap!). Kinzcash can be earned by playing super simple flash games. Just picture one of those games from Pogo or Yahoo! Games but with an annoying talking animated dog or a farting weasel (alright, alright, there's no farting weasel, but a boy can dream, can't he?). If you thought that stupid Microsoft Word animated paper clip that doesn't mind his own business was annoying, well... those of who have experience the annoying talking webkinz animals have a word for you folk, "virgins."
And that brings me to the social interaction part. Your kids will be able to meet people in the game and show them the little house you regurgitated for your pet or compete in cooking contest with them. Fortunately for overprotective parents like you, you'll be happy to hear that Ganz has taking every step to make this experience as kid safe and free from fun as possible. Your kids can talk to them all you like, but don't expect any real conversation, all chats are limited to whatever you can select from a drop down menu of preselected banter. So, they will not be able to tell anyone, "Hey, your house looks like Goatse," or "Hey little girl, wanna see my Goatse." In fact, there's no references to Goatse at all in this game, and when you come down to it, isn't that what online gaming all about... well, it isn't, you sicko.
And your lucky child will be able to this all they'd like for a year, at which point I suppose their pet is placed under virtual house arrest and not allowed any visitors. But not to fret, their pet can be set free for another year with the purchase of another Webinz. Not that's really that bad of a price to pay, considering popular online games such as Lord of the Rings Online or Everquest cost about $15 a month to play. Of course those two games aren't horrible, well... not Lord of the Rings anyway. Not that any of this matters, by the time a year rolls around Webkinz will be as popular with your children as a Tamagotchi.
In case your wondering, your pet can't die, no matter how much you neglect them or treat them poorly. Which means your child isn't going to really learn any responsibility from Webkinz. But, whatever they do learn from it., it'll probably be better than any parent who just pawn their kid off onto video games and TV can.
Labels: Canada, Gameboy, Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, video games, webkinz
6/21/2007
Snap into a...
6/20/2007
Phrase of the day
"To eat the Onion Rings" \too eet thuh uhn-yuhn rĭngs\, verb:To have a disappointing ending or outcome. Example: The 2004 election ate the onion rings.
Labels: onion rings, sopranos
6/07/2007
I Can Sing Like Weezer
Yeah... there's something wrong with me...
6/04/2007
Pickel Surprise!
Amazon Tank
Earlier today an item titled "The Oddest Item on Amazon.com" was featured on the front page of digg. Clicking on it led to:
Yeah, that's pretty strange. But not as strange as the also viewed section:
So, if this data is correct, there are people who are interested in driving a tank while eating a whole rabbit and washing it down with a gallon of milk. Afterwards, being tired out, they'll relax in some kind of space age capsule with an 'Inflatable Party Sheep'. Seems logical...
Of course, more likely some blog listed all of the items above in some kind of "Strange Items on Amazon" post, everyone who looked at the items would see them all and skew the data. But I like my theory better.
See more here
Yeah, that's pretty strange. But not as strange as the also viewed section:
So, if this data is correct, there are people who are interested in driving a tank while eating a whole rabbit and washing it down with a gallon of milk. Afterwards, being tired out, they'll relax in some kind of space age capsule with an 'Inflatable Party Sheep'. Seems logical...
Of course, more likely some blog listed all of the items above in some kind of "Strange Items on Amazon" post, everyone who looked at the items would see them all and skew the data. But I like my theory better.
See more here
Labels: amazon.com, milk, tank