Yesterday Paramount Pictures announced it would stop providing movies for the Showtime network so it could start it's own premium movie channel. Showtime said it wasn't worried about it's future.

"We have plenty of original programing left to fill the void," Showtime program director Joe Orsulak told us while hanging from a noose, "We got Dexter, that Tudors show.... um Weeds, and This American Life I guess.... so that's about 3 hours of programing there. We just need to pad out the other 165 hours each week."

Paramount is convinced they have made the right decision. After all this is the network that is known for such great decisions like switching to HD-DVD, creating the UPN network, the movie Hot Rod, the Iraq war... well, I'm not sure how much they had to do with that last one.

"We've distanced ourselves from Tom Cruise. So you can't call us crazy," Sumner Redstone, who owns both Paramount and Showtime told us as he got dressed in a giant hot dog suit.

The new network is expected to launch in 2009 with such wonderful movies as Transformers and um... that's it I guess.

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Dr Edward Lorenz, founder of the Chaos Theory, died last week. He was killed when his head exploded with 32 miniature Patrick Duffys dressed in leotards who proceeded to do the macarena.

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The local 640 union of Frankenstein monsters were expected to boycott the Olympic torch, but were scared away when they saw it coming.

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Labels: joe orsulak, olympics, paramount, sumner redstone

Using the best psychics we could find and afford in the yellow pages we here at cheesegod.com have been able to download stories that will happen in 2008. Here is one such story:

Some cried. Some rejoiced. Some were too shocked to say how they were. Most vomited and then stuck their head in the oven. But all felt some kind of feeling or took some kind of action when the news was learned yesterday that George W. Bush had be reelected president.

"Why? Why? Why the hell does God hate us so much," one teary eyed 5 year girl was able to say between crying spats.

Today, the day after the 2008 presidential elections have left everyone shocked including the president himself.

"I just want to say how shocked and happy I am, but my vocabulary and speaking skills are good enough for me to do so," Bush told us through his World of Warcraft avatar during a recent wizard raid through the secret woods of Magiclot.

But the shock didn't end there. Dick Cheney suffered 82 heart attacks, and the predicted winning ticket of Obama & Marmaduke were equally dismayed.

"I thought America wanted change," Obama shouted from the edge of a tall building, "I knew I shouldn't of bought into this fad of cartoon dogs for running mates."

So how could such a thing happen? Turns out it was those pesky Diebold voting machines are to blame.

"It seems we forgot to unrig them after the 2004 election," Diebold spokesman Joe Orsulak told us just moments before being lynched by an angry mob, "Our bad."

So it looks like it'll be business as usual for the next four years. Meanwhile the official Republican ticket is already talking 2012.

"In four years we are confident, that America will be ready for Huckabee & Odie."

Labels: 2008 election, barack obama, george bush, joe orsulak, marmaduke, mike huckabee

It was an exciting event here at the latest press conference run by the History Channel. Announcements ranged for new programing to a new electronic history book reader that can hold a hundred books, and will see the same price of two hundred. But perhaps most exciting is the news of History Hitler, the forth cable network to bear the History name.

"Well, when we started off we had about 5 billion years of history, which provided just enough programing to fill out our 24 hour a day network," History Channel presidentProfessor Finklebottom explained to the crowd of wild history buffs, "Then we realized that there were countries besides America, so we started HistoryInternational . After a while we noticed that the only thing that ever really happened in history was World War II, so we started the Military History network. And all was good. However, we realized no one likes the war itself. They just like Hitler."

With that explanation, the History Hitler network was revealed. History buffs in the crowd went wild. One man cried, another fainted. One woman declared she must of gone to heaven and become an angel and promptly jumped out the window to test her wings.

Programing on the network will be both old and not as old. Featured shows included: World War II: The Forgotten Battles, Hitler's Battle Plans, The Nazi Way, A Day in the Life Of Adolf,Mein Kempf: The TV Series, Hitler's Follies , Hitler in Space, Two Girls, a Guy, and a Nazi, America's Next Top Hitler, and a show simply titled Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

"I'll have to buy a third TiVo just to keep up," History fan boy Joe Orsulak told us.

The network is also looking into to starting a 9/11 station hosted 24 hours a day by Rudy Giuliani.

Labels: adolf hittler, giuliani, history channel, joe orsulak

Death rumors of Osama Bin Laden were confirmed yesterday when US Troops were attacked by the Zombie Bin Laden.

"It was crazy," said Prvt. Joe Orsulak, "We were just minding our own business, taking a stroll down the streets of Baghdad, when all the sudden he jumped out from inside a sand dune. He started scratching at us and telling us about how he wanted our imperialist brains. He took a bite right out of Craig's head."

The surprised troops shot at the Zombie Bin Laden, but didn't get far. The bullets traveled right through Osama as he continued his attack. It wasn't until one brave soldier took out the Haliburton brand Zombie Head Remover that the deceased Bin Laden got scared and retreated.

"Democrats questioned the 2.1 billion dollar acquisition of the Zombie Head Removers for our US Troops last year," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld roared at the White House press core, "I think we all have to ask ourselves. Do the Democrats love America, or do they love zombie terrorists?"

Troops are currently investigating the attack to see if this was an isolated incident.

"We think it may have happened before," Sgt. Jeff McKnight told us, "We're always finding troops missing their brains. We had previously thought the Iraqi insurgents had found a way to shrink down themselves, fly tiny planes into our ears, and then suicide bomb our brains."

US Troops in Iraq had been wearing Haliburton brand Ear Muffs to protect themselves against such an attack.

Labels: bin laden, haliburton, joe orsulak, osama, zombies

Health advocates applauded McDonald's decision to remove their "Super Size" items from the menu. But they might be turning their grins upside down when they hear the news of what McDonalds has up it's sleeves.

"The supersize never sold well," Pimply teenage McDonalds's employee Joe Orsulak told us, "Some say it was too much food, but we think it's the opposite. That's why we're introducing the MegaSize."

McDonalds may have done away with it's 44oz Cola, but it's replacement will be 3 gallons. And the fries... don't ask about the fries.

You may think this news is great, being that you are most likely a obese gross person.* But what about the health issues.

"I eat McDonald's everyday, I get free meals as one of my benefits, the other one is the free uniform, and I notice no bad effects," Orsulak told us as he wiped the gooze coming out of a recently popped pimple from his fat face.

Plus, theirs more good news for health conscious McDonald's fans. The carb content in the fries has been cut by two! So even though it's overflowing with grease and high in fat it's Atkins safe.

McDonalds's expects to introduce these new sizes as soon as they get their purchase orders approved for the industrial strength toilets they'll need.

*Our studies show that most of the visitors to the site our gross obese people accidentally misspelling the web address cheesegood.com

Labels: atkins, joe orsulak, mcdonalds

Fox News has made the ultimate attempt to remain the number one network. They have offered every politician a chance to have... um... the Washington Monument spit shined. As anyone with an IQ high enough not to watch FOX NEWS knows, FOX NEWS had become the number one network by being the official propaganda station for the US government and for getting exclusive news stories that other networks wouldn't report because they had more journalistic integrity. But FOX wants to make sure they remain on their top post, and what better way than by working construction on the old Lincoln Log. While every congress member and senator we talked to refused to comment we did manage to hear some insight from Joe Orsulak, our anonymous inside source on hanging chads. "FOX NEWS's first taker was none other than Mr. Thurmand who got to become a stiff in one way before the other thanks to the aggressive style of Bill O'Reilly," Orsulak told us, "He showed them all his 'Dixie' party platform." It comes as no surprise to many that FOX has resorted to this, as they basically have been doing it to a lesser extent for years. Many in the news industry was unfazed when they heard Hillary Clinton got to smoke another man's cigar. It remain to be seen how any of this may affect the news industry, but in the mean time all 82 democratic presidential hopefuls have had the pleasure licking Bush, something none of them will likely do in next years election.

Labels: fox, hillary clinton, joe orsulak

Soft drink drinkers will have another reason to drink their soft drinks this summer. Pepsi plans to incorporate online capabilities in their soda cans. "That's what the kids want these days, right? Online access and crap," said Pepsi chairman Joe Orsulak. These new cans will allow drinkers to access the latest nutrition information, download new skins for the can, and to listen to an MP3 of Britney spears slurping a can of soda. After drinking the soda within it can easily be crumpled up and thrown out... or recycled if you want your 5 cent deposit back. "It's new, it's revolutionary, it's cool. So buy it already," said the already mentioned Pepsi chairperson. The Pepsi is expected to go sale this July, although some grocers are already taking preorders. It will cost about $20 a can and will require three AAA batteries that are not included. The can must also be connected to a phone line and a optional keyboard must be purchased to access some features. The keyboard will only be available in Japan however but can be imported for the low price $120, feel free to check eBay for lower prices. Coke has no plans to introduces a drink with online capacities, but is considering a bottle with a flashing bottle cap light.

Labels: joe orsulak, pepsi, soda