Death rumors of Osama Bin Laden were confirmed yesterday when US Troops were attacked by the Zombie Bin Laden.

"It was crazy," said Prvt. Joe Orsulak, "We were just minding our own business, taking a stroll down the streets of Baghdad, when all the sudden he jumped out from inside a sand dune. He started scratching at us and telling us about how he wanted our imperialist brains. He took a bite right out of Craig's head."

The surprised troops shot at the Zombie Bin Laden, but didn't get far. The bullets traveled right through Osama as he continued his attack. It wasn't until one brave soldier took out the Haliburton brand Zombie Head Remover that the deceased Bin Laden got scared and retreated.

"Democrats questioned the 2.1 billion dollar acquisition of the Zombie Head Removers for our US Troops last year," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld roared at the White House press core, "I think we all have to ask ourselves. Do the Democrats love America, or do they love zombie terrorists?"

Troops are currently investigating the attack to see if this was an isolated incident.

"We think it may have happened before," Sgt. Jeff McKnight told us, "We're always finding troops missing their brains. We had previously thought the Iraqi insurgents had found a way to shrink down themselves, fly tiny planes into our ears, and then suicide bomb our brains."

US Troops in Iraq had been wearing Haliburton brand Ear Muffs to protect themselves against such an attack.

Labels: bin laden, haliburton, joe orsulak, osama, zombies

Cheesegod.com has learned that International Terrorist Osama Bin Laden has been diagnosed with depression.

"Nobody wants to pay any attention to him anymore," Bin Laden's psychiatrist told us. "Everything is Hussein this and Hussein that. Sure Hussein killed and gassed a few people here and there, but that's nothing compared to Osama."

Neighbors have told us he barely ever leaves his cave anymore. He just hangs out all day in his robe and slippers on. Sounds of his sobbing often echoes from within.

"He always yelling, 'Who's building do you have to fly a plane into to get some attention around here!,'" one neighbor told us as she walked her poodle.

Reports indicate that Osama was especially upset when he heard that Bush want to spend an additional 87 billion dollars in Iraq, more than twice that being spent on homeland security.

"That money should be used to stop me, not Saddam. First he gets the credit for 9/11, now this," Osama has been known to cry out while sleeping.

"He just want attention," his psychiatrist told us in addition to what we already quoted him on above, "He's not such a bad guy. He just does bad things so people will pay attention to him. He's lonely. Poor guy."

Labels: hussein, iraq, osama