The State school board decision to rid the cafeteria of the deadly toxin bread seems to paying off.

"Finally our children are safe from those nasty carbs," Nina Zeplin told us before she fainted from malnourishment, "Our children have the right to grow up slim."

Bay Ave. Elementary hasn't served any food containing carbohydrates for three weeks now and already the difference is apparent.

"I've never had so many sick children in my office before," school nurse Maria Halen told us, "but at least they're not as fat."

Although critics argue that forcing all kids to go the Atkins diet is not only unconstitutional but also unhealthy the school staff is fast to say otherwise. Just ask Coach John Rose.

"Oh yeah. The kids move very slow, if at all, during gym class now. But what the f*ck do I care? At least they're easier to keep track of. They all play like a bunch of sissies anyway."

Test grades have fallen. Sickness has risen, but we all have to agree on one thing:

Damn that school now has some fine looking children.

Labels: atkins, bread, school

Health advocates applauded McDonald's decision to remove their "Super Size" items from the menu. But they might be turning their grins upside down when they hear the news of what McDonalds has up it's sleeves.

"The supersize never sold well," Pimply teenage McDonalds's employee Joe Orsulak told us, "Some say it was too much food, but we think it's the opposite. That's why we're introducing the MegaSize."

McDonalds may have done away with it's 44oz Cola, but it's replacement will be 3 gallons. And the fries... don't ask about the fries.

You may think this news is great, being that you are most likely a obese gross person.* But what about the health issues.

"I eat McDonald's everyday, I get free meals as one of my benefits, the other one is the free uniform, and I notice no bad effects," Orsulak told us as he wiped the gooze coming out of a recently popped pimple from his fat face.

Plus, theirs more good news for health conscious McDonald's fans. The carb content in the fries has been cut by two! So even though it's overflowing with grease and high in fat it's Atkins safe.

McDonalds's expects to introduce these new sizes as soon as they get their purchase orders approved for the industrial strength toilets they'll need.

*Our studies show that most of the visitors to the site our gross obese people accidentally misspelling the web address cheesegood.com

Labels: atkins, joe orsulak, mcdonalds