Shigero Miyamoto, creator of Mario, Donkey Kong, Zelda, Pikmin, and the goofy
grin, received a standing ovation at E3 when he came onto the stage. He received
an even bigger applause when he announced Nintendo's revolutionary plans for the next
system: Ass control.

"Too often a players bottom feels left out. It will go numb, or fall asleep, with
boredom," Miyamoto told the core of Nintendo enthusiasts, "Now, with our
revolutionary controller all will see the Nintendo difference. The difference
you feel when you sit."

The crowd, all Nintendo fan boys/girls who had to sign a loyalty oath before
being allowed in, took well to the news.

"Oh my god! Oh my god," said one 35 year old male wearing a Pac Man Fever T-shirt.
He told us his name but we decided not to print it because we felt sorry for his
family and possibly and friends, if any, he might have.

The revolutionary controller will feature a two crevis designed to snuggly fit
each buttcheak. Nintendo showed off a new version of bike racing game Excitebike.
Depending how you lean on your butt, the character in game will respond when
turning.

Meanwhile Sony announced 536 new games for the PSP, all poorly made ports of older
games. Sony also addressed the battery problem of the PSP by introducing a one
foot wide add on pack which will increase the battery life by 13%. Also, they
said they will increase their warranty on the system to 45 days, and promised to no longer say, "C'mon, it's a Sony system! It's suppose to break!"

Microsoft, feeling left out, also introduced a new hand held, which will run
Windows CE and be capable of displaying graphics similar to the X-Box. The demo
of Halo 2 running seemed impressive, but no one was able to play long due to
excruciating back pain from holding the 52lb handheld too long. Microsoft plans
on releasing a "strap on dolly" to help carry the load."

Labels: 536, ass, microsoft, nintendo, psp, shigeru miyamota, sony, video games, wii

The search wars are heating up. MSN has just added Google like ads to it's seaches. Ask Jeeves just introduced a new, sexier, version of their buttler. Lycos has taken out an ad in the back of the village voice in the classifieds. And Webcrawler has announced to their own surprise that they still exist.

So what is current search king Google doing about it? Well, continuing in their tradition in introducing a new feature every month (Gmail, Video Search, Google Maps, Jock Strap size search) they have brought out perhaps the most popular one to date, the hacked Sidekick search.

With more and more people purchasing cellphones because they want to be cool like Snoop Dog and less because of useful features (like security) it has become easier to take advantage of them. With all these sidekicks becoming hacked everyday someone has to keep track of them. And that someone is Google. Or that something is Google. I guess Google isn't a person. Sometimes I wish it was. I'd comb her hair and she'd invent new ways to defrost chili.

No longer will you have to search through back issues of 2600 to find the number for Tony Danza. While most celebrities seem to hate the idea, 50 cent has already been involved in 13 shooting over the subject, some are embracing it.

"I got two phone calls today," John Larroquette excitingly told us, "that's the most I've gotten since I wrote my number on a bathroom stall. Although one call was just to ask if I had Chi McBride's number. I know him, you know. Yep! He was on my show back in the '90s. He played a janitor, I was the star! He thinks he's so big, being in I Robot and The Terminal! Well things are happening for me too! I'm currently filming a Meow Mix commercial... you don't actually see my face, but you can see my hand open a can of Tuna n' Pork!"

Meanwhile Paris Hilton also welcomed to additional calls from men. It has allowed her to be able to complete her goal of sleeping with 536 men a week by Friday, leaving her the weekend free to attend to her other hobbies, like getting drunk and sleeping with more men.

Labels: 536, cell phones, chi mcbride, google, john larroquette, paris hilton, sidekick

Mary Kate Olson, who had been placed in a eating disorder clinic last month, has been
declared 100% cured.

Reporters waited outside on the hospital steps hoping to get a glimpse of the twin for the first time since her submission to the clinic. They were not disappointed. In fact they caught more than just a glimpse.

Mary Kate has fully returned to her natural 536 lb weight. Reporters scrambled to
change over to wide angle lenses before it was too late, but were given ample time to
do so when Ashley struggled to get her sister to fit inside the U-Haul they had
rented to take her home in.

The appearance although short, has already started a trend with the easily brainwashed pre-teen and teen population who reportedly have been piling into Jack in th Boxes and Sambos across the nation eating the fattiest food on the menu in hoped of looking like their one of their idols. Unfortunately they are still trying to be like Britney and are wearing their prostitot gear. Low rise pants, G-strings, and 300lbs of body fat just doesn't mix.

Reporters asked for a comment from the now Roseanne shaped Olson twin. Just when she
opened her mouth as if to deliver she just burped instead, causing a chicken leg to
dislodge from her between her front teeth and land on her shirt.

Google searching for the "Olson Twins Nude" has gone done dramatically. But
fortunately Lindsay Lohen and Hillary Duff are still high on the list giving mentally
challenged men everywhere still the chance to have wet dreams about teenage girls.

The twins are planning on working on another movie soon. Rumors have it's a Marlon
Brando bio pic, with Ashley playing Brando in his early years, and Marry Kate in his
later.

Labels: 536, eating disorders, olsen twins

Microsoft announced Tuesday that it was unleashing an update to fix 536 more flaws found in
Windows.

In an effort to fight viruses, worm, trojans, spyware, and Yahoo's march to take over the
world, Microsoft unleashed 536 more patches totaling 312 gigs. The patch will take only
about 3 days to download.

"Our Operating System is stronger than ever," Bill Gates told the American people from his
special Microsoft made car, riding and waving to the public while delivering these words,
"The more we are hit, the stronger we are."

Bill Gates offering up these encouraging words to no doubt rev up his troops in war against
alternative Operating Systems.

"These other Operating Systems, Linux, Panther, BSD.. they might not be attacked by Viruses,
but this because they already are of such less quality that they probably can't even run a
virus," Bill Gates pleaded with the crowd, "We all know nothing good is free. So why get
Linux, when you can spend you're hard earned money on Windows XP.

At this point the speech was delayed when his special Microsoft Car stopped running for no
particular reason and had to be restarted.

Once the car started going again Gates finished up, "Remember folks, When you install Linux,
the terrorists win!"

Bill Gates then jumped out of his car just seconds before it crashed into a wall. The car
malfunction was blamed on a flaw left open that let a hacker take control.

Labels: 536, bill gates, yahoo

It used to be that all televisions had big picture tubes and were rounded in the front. Then, starting in the late '90s televisions became flat thanks to the miracle of plasma and Sony's made up unpronounceable "Wega." But now the folks at Sharp have a new television shape to take us to 2004: The concave TV. Like how televisions used to come out in the middle, concave tvs go in in the middle. "We figured flat tvs already look the picture look better by bringing the screen in a little, we could make it look much better by bringing it in all the way," Sharp spokesperson Tim Bogart told us. Sharp has even come up with a slogan to compete with Sony's "Flat out Better."... "Concave in Better." "We're still working on it..." the sharp guy told us. Sharp claims the televisions will have a more three-dimensional look because; the screen is actually three-dimensional. "Think about it. How can a TV that's flat be three-dimensional? That's just stupid. It's just the style that people buy it for." The TV wasn't functional at the press announcement because every prototype built so far has exploded. Sharp is planning memorial for the 536 people who have died so far developing the TV. However we were assured that the television would be really good because, "Sharp products come from Sharp minds."

Labels: 536, sony