The ATM comedian is back, except this time he is playing Tetris. Let's watch, shall we?

Labels: japan, video games

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for people Pennsylvania to put an end to this Democratic Primary once and for all Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Labels: marmaduke, video games

Labels: modem play, video games

Nintendo fan boys hoped for so much this year from the Donkey Kong company at E3. Fans so hoped Nintendo would unveil a new Zelda, an improved online experience, Smash Bros. news, increased storage space for the Wii, and everything that Sony and Microsoft were currently offering on their systems. Counting the days down to video game trade show Mario lovers everywhere dreamed of Nintendo big wigs Reggie, Miyamoto, and Iwata whispering in their ears all the secrets Nintendo had to offer.

Then E3 came. What does Nintendo announce? You can do push-ups! Holy crap! How can us consumers resist plunking down our hard earned cash so we can exercise?

WiiFit is a new "game" that will make you work out and monitor your progress through the magic of a new add-on that Nintendo is calling the balance board. The Wii Balance board resembles a scale in appearance, but besides being able to just tell you your fat it also has built in sensors to keep track of your balance. Keeping track of this balance data in real time allows your Wii to make sure your doing the exercise they tell you to do, and not just sitting around eating left over cottage cheese watching reruns of Drexel's Class as usual.

Of course if you ask me, the Wii Balance board is just an updated version of the Powerpad from 20 years ago. In fact, according to Wikipedia, the powerpad was called the Family Trainer in Japan, and was even called Family Fun Fitness for brief times in the USA.





Nintendo also proudly displayed the WiiZapper, a $20 piece of plastic that'll hold the Wii controller together so somewhat resembles rifle or something. If guns aren't your bag, then you might want to try the WiiWheel, a plastic steering wheel that'll hold your Wii controller. Both of these new products are about as exciting as watching justin.tv.

Of course Nintendo has new Mario, Metriod, and Smash Brothers games coming out this year, and announced a new Mario Kart for early next year. This is comparable to when movie theatres saw Pirates of the Caribbean, Shrek the third, and Spider-Man 3 all come out in the same month, with the new Harry Potter just around the corner. When you got that many big titles out at once, it's not surprising a few other announcements with fade into the background. Think of WiiFit like it's Evan Almighty, maybe it might be good, but in comparison to Transformers playing one theatre down? Well... actually, if you ask me, your best off going a couple of more theatres down and checking out Knocked Up or Sicko. Or even better yet, just stay home and watch justin.tv, it'll help you appreciate all the Evan Almightys of the world.

If you ask me though, and I don't know why you would, one of the best games is already out for the Wii.

Last E3, when Nintendo announced that the Wii was going to be backwards compatible with the Gamecube, it was a bit of a shock. Never before had a Nintendo system had such a feature, then it was realized that the Wii was basically just a Gamecube with an extra hamster wheel powering it.

So you might wonder with Wii's backward compatibility why one would repurchase a game that had already been out on the Cube for two years. Well, that's exactly what was asked of consumers with the release of Resident Evil 4: Wii edition. Perhaps like an idiot, I obliged and shelled out my $29.99 plus tax for a game I already owned.

Idiot or not, I'm having fun shooting zombies with point and shoot controls, while you're still moping over the lack of announcement of a new Kid Icarus game.

Labels: e3, nintendo, video games

WARNING: The following contains gamer terminology you may not understand. If you come to something that makes little or no sense to you, just consider it to be something geeky and move onto the next sentence. It may help if you picture these terms being said by a guy with taped thick glasses, a pocket protector, and his pants hiked up to his chest. I can't help it if you're not 1337 enough to understand.

Us adults are so lucky. We get to waste entire days away playing online games. Sitting on our numb posteriors, staring at our warm glowing monitors until our eyes dry up... then we remember to blink and we play some more. We play hooky from our jobs, skip school, and ignore housework just so we can be one step closer to gaining that level 42 headdress. You know the one, it has +32 healing chance, +108 armor, a slight increase in hit probability, but unfortunately it also a 36% decrease in hygiene.

Yep, we sure are cool. But what about our children? How are we suppose to be able to watch them and farm spider eggs at the same time? Yeah, you can park them in front of the TV or buy them another Game Boy game. But really, how many times can they watch High School Musical or suffer through yet another Pokemon game. Yeah, that's right Pikachu, I'm calling you out. What's with your crazy games being released in pairs anyway? Red & Blue, Silver & Gold, Diamond & Pearl, Milk & Cookies, Goofus & Gallant. I'm tired of it.

It'd be great if we could keep our kids busy with online games too. But the chatrooms ruin that. You never know what elf or wizard might be a pedophile. After all, pedophiles are everywhere nowadays; at the park, at our schools, at the mall, on dateline NBC, on the internets, in my crackerjacks, or on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (AKA the show where every week they somehow manage to come up with another exciting way someone can be raped and murdered, now that's quality TV.) Last night I shot a pedophile in my pajamas, how he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Ironically, if it wasn't for those darn pedophiles (Those Darn Pedophiles? Isn't that a sitcom on FOX this fall?) online games would be almost perfect for kids. Kids love video games, it'd keep out of that damn sun that gives them skin cancer, keep them away from the parks where even it almost slightly possible social interaction is waiting for them, and all the people already playing these games seem to have the same mental capability as an eight year old anyway.

But wait! The Canadians have saved the day once again (the other time being when they provided us with Keanu Reeves, I cry every time at the ending of Hardball... or am I thinking of Constantine, I always get those two confused). Canadian company Ganz has provided us with Webkinz. It can best be described as Beanie babies, simple online gaming, and a huge mass of fecal matter mixed together.

Kids can buy a stuffed animal from their favorite Hallmark store and then register it on the Webkinz website where they can now play with a cartoon version of it online. Kids can watch with amazement has they mix three random items to make food for their pets or buy furniture for them to crawl around on. But, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

I just said "buy." You can buy anything without cash, kinzcash that is (oh snap!). Kinzcash can be earned by playing super simple flash games. Just picture one of those games from Pogo or Yahoo! Games but with an annoying talking animated dog or a farting weasel (alright, alright, there's no farting weasel, but a boy can dream, can't he?). If you thought that stupid Microsoft Word animated paper clip that doesn't mind his own business was annoying, well... those of who have experience the annoying talking webkinz animals have a word for you folk, "virgins."

And that brings me to the social interaction part. Your kids will be able to meet people in the game and show them the little house you regurgitated for your pet or compete in cooking contest with them. Fortunately for overprotective parents like you, you'll be happy to hear that Ganz has taking every step to make this experience as kid safe and free from fun as possible. Your kids can talk to them all you like, but don't expect any real conversation, all chats are limited to whatever you can select from a drop down menu of preselected banter. So, they will not be able to tell anyone, "Hey, your house looks like Goatse," or "Hey little girl, wanna see my Goatse." In fact, there's no references to Goatse at all in this game, and when you come down to it, isn't that what online gaming all about... well, it isn't, you sicko.

And your lucky child will be able to this all they'd like for a year, at which point I suppose their pet is placed under virtual house arrest and not allowed any visitors. But not to fret, their pet can be set free for another year with the purchase of another Webinz. Not that's really that bad of a price to pay, considering popular online games such as Lord of the Rings Online or Everquest cost about $15 a month to play. Of course those two games aren't horrible, well... not Lord of the Rings anyway. Not that any of this matters, by the time a year rolls around Webkinz will be as popular with your children as a Tamagotchi.

In case your wondering, your pet can't die, no matter how much you neglect them or treat them poorly. Which means your child isn't going to really learn any responsibility from Webkinz. But, whatever they do learn from it., it'll probably be better than any parent who just pawn their kid off onto video games and TV can.

Labels: Canada, Gameboy, Lord of the Rings, Pokemon, video games, webkinz

This is great.

Labels: mario kart, nintendo, nintendogs, video games

Hello fellow Nintendo fanatics! This week the Nintendo Gods' themselves granted me the honor of getting to be one of the first to try out their brand new MMO they are working on, "Super Mario: Battle for the Mushroom Kingdom."

Nintendo led me through some pretty intense security measures so I could play this fine game. First they invaded my house in the middle of the night, chloroformed my mom, blindfolded and tied up my dog, and then finally knocked me out with a large blunt object, possibly a PS3.

When I woke up a day later I was in the back of a van with a bag over my head. I could hear some guys talking Japanese. However, one guy kept talking about kicking asses and taking names. I said, "Is that you, Reggie?" All though, in hindsight that probably wasn't a good idea, cause they realized I was awake and hit me in the head with an even larger object, possibly an X-Box.

Finally, when I awoke from the coma, I found myself in an empty airplane hanger. It was just me, two armed guards, a TV with a Wii hooked up to it, and an odd looking fellow wearing a cat suit and a Nixon mask smoking a cigar.

The Nixon guy shouted something in Japanese and pointed at the TV, I walked over to it, turned it on, and then my head exploded with delight. On the screen was the long rumored, little confirmed, MMO that was all the rage last week on Digg. All I could think about was how jealous the guys over at the Planet Gamecube boards were going to be when they heard about this.

I quickly started the game and was brought to the character creation screen. I chose to make myself a human plumber, I though about being a goomba or a magikoopa, but I decided to go the traditional route.

The opening quickly explains how Bowser has finally caught Mario and is now reeking havoc on the mushroom kingdom. Desperate for help, Luigi has opened a warpzone between Brooklyn and the Mushroom Kingdom.

After completing the tutorial level I am dumped into a village of Toads. I found another player, a level 7 Power-Up Shyguy, who helped me out by tossing me mushrooms and Fire Flowers while I kill off koopa turtles in the Mushroom forest.

After getting to level 3 I decide to run some quests. An NPC Toadette asks me to pick her some turnips from the garden. The garden is on the other side of the forest, so I jump on a Yoshi and ride my way over. After bringing her back the turnips, Toadette awards me with 300xp and a +5 Squash Power Overalls.

It was about this point the Nixon Cat man shouted something and TV imploded. I guess my time was up. One of the guards came up to me, made me sign a Non-disclosure agreement, and then chopped off one of my fingers.

They told me as long as I didn't tell anyone about these events that transpired I'd get my finger back once the NDA was up. But I didn't want to betray my loyal readers and keep secrets from them. Who needs all 10 fingers anyway.

Labels: MMO, nintendo, Nixon, video games

Hello hello.

I usually have no excuse for not updating this site, but this week I do. My escuse is just one word:

Zelda.

Yes, I've been playing with my Wii all week (keep your dirty thoughts/jokes to yourself, you sick bastards) and enjoying every minute of it.

However it appears some people are not. Here's one idiot that swings a little (and by a little, I mean way too much) too hard with the wiimote:



The end of the video says that the Wii is too weak, although despite hitting the wall at 100 mph, you can see the Wiimote still functions fine.

Sadly enough, the same can be said about this poor sap, who chucked his Wiimote right through his TV:



If anyone would like to share some Miis or something, email me with your Wii console number and I'll add you to my list.

Labels: nintendo, tv, video games, wii

Nintendo tried the commercial disguised as a movie with 1988's The Wizard (You can read my take on that film here). Now, 18 years later it seems Nintendo is trying again with this year's Stormbreaker.

The film, due out this summer in England and in October in the US, boasts the following description:

"After the murder of his uncle and guardian, the MI6 British spy agency recruits the reluctant 14-year-old Alex Rider to take over his uncle's mission. Like any good spy, during training he receives his key piece of gadgetry: a Hot Rod Red Nintendo DS. He also gets several game cards that transform his DS into an eavesdropping device, a wiretap detector or a smoke bomb."

Perhaps even more odd is that this film stars such notable stars as Ewan McGregor, Mickey Rourke, Bill Nighy, Alicia Silverstone, and Andy Serkis.

Let's all hope this is just as craptastic and enjoyable as The Wizard.

Labels: nintendo, stormbreaker, the wizard, video games

Shigero Miyamoto, creator of Mario, Donkey Kong, Zelda, Pikmin, and the goofy
grin, received a standing ovation at E3 when he came onto the stage. He received
an even bigger applause when he announced Nintendo's revolutionary plans for the next
system: Ass control.

"Too often a players bottom feels left out. It will go numb, or fall asleep, with
boredom," Miyamoto told the core of Nintendo enthusiasts, "Now, with our
revolutionary controller all will see the Nintendo difference. The difference
you feel when you sit."

The crowd, all Nintendo fan boys/girls who had to sign a loyalty oath before
being allowed in, took well to the news.

"Oh my god! Oh my god," said one 35 year old male wearing a Pac Man Fever T-shirt.
He told us his name but we decided not to print it because we felt sorry for his
family and possibly and friends, if any, he might have.

The revolutionary controller will feature a two crevis designed to snuggly fit
each buttcheak. Nintendo showed off a new version of bike racing game Excitebike.
Depending how you lean on your butt, the character in game will respond when
turning.

Meanwhile Sony announced 536 new games for the PSP, all poorly made ports of older
games. Sony also addressed the battery problem of the PSP by introducing a one
foot wide add on pack which will increase the battery life by 13%. Also, they
said they will increase their warranty on the system to 45 days, and promised to no longer say, "C'mon, it's a Sony system! It's suppose to break!"

Microsoft, feeling left out, also introduced a new hand held, which will run
Windows CE and be capable of displaying graphics similar to the X-Box. The demo
of Halo 2 running seemed impressive, but no one was able to play long due to
excruciating back pain from holding the 52lb handheld too long. Microsoft plans
on releasing a "strap on dolly" to help carry the load."

Labels: 536, ass, microsoft, nintendo, psp, shigeru miyamota, sony, video games, wii

After making his triumphant goal of reaching Level 50 in the Matrix Online video game, teen Trent Abhorred has been hospitalized.

Trent was able to reach level 50 in just under two weeks by playing 18 hours a day. He was able to accomplish such extended periods of game play by continuing not have any personal life and have his mom bring his Mac & Cheese dinner to his room. Reaching the level also meant having to exploit flaws in the game that involves extreme repetition that would bore anyone who wasn't used to have a boring life already.

Unfortunately, after reaching his 25th hour in a row after repeated killing of opposing players still below level 20, he experienced blindness after accidentally coming into contact with sunlight when his mom opened the Peter Pan curtains in his room.

Trent is in distress right now, worried that by the time he gets out of the hospital people will have caught up with him on the game and he will receive constant ass kickings in game just like he does in real life everyday at school.

Rumor has it Trent is also suffering from extreme butt numbness and "keyboard fingers." We, however, were unable to confirm this, because no one has actually visited him the hospital.

---

Yes, this story is perhaps written with hate, as my ass was kicked by a level 50 player last night. By the way, if anyone reading this actually play The Matrix Online you can still find me on the Regression server under the handle "godofcheese." Look me up.

Labels: level 50, matrix online, MMO, video games

The worse Gameboy related accident yet happened earlier this week at Poky Oats
Elementary School in Hartford, CT. A Pokemon game gone wrong resulted in the
death of five children, one teacher, a custodian, and a Michael Jackson
sympathizer.

"It was horrible," said Timmy O' Toole, age 6, a witness to the event, "There was
blood everywhere. I got a stain on my shirt. My mom threw it away. It was my
favorite shirt, the one with cookie monster.... don't tell her, but I took it
back out of the trash when she wasn't looking. I sleep with it under the
covers."

Another incident, another lawsuit. Nintendo yawned it off, giving us the usual
response.

"It's a travesty and we here at Nintendo Of America express our condolences," A
Nintendo Spokesperson told us, "We always have expressed safety precautions while
playing with your GameBoy. A three foot distance between players and protective
suits, available for purchase through the official Nintendo website, should
always be utilized."

Witnesses all told of how awful the site was. Thirty three children have been
taken to mental hospitals for extended psychiatric help.

"We just hope to have our daughter back by the end of the year," a parent of one
of the children in the psychiatric hospital who wished to remain anonymous told
us... oh, what the hell, his name was John Lindermen.

The child whose Gameboy caused the ruckus, and survivor of the event, is also
saddened by the massacre.

"I can't believe it. The cops took my gameboy for evidence. How am I suppose to
catch the last Pokemon, Curdle, now? I'm going try to get my mom to buy me one
of those new green ones. They're cool, they're just like the other Gameboy but
it's... green!

Nintendo Gameboy Advance sales have not been hurt by this last event, in fact
sales have slightly risen since this the event.

Labels: death, Gameboy, john linderman, nintendo, video games

Labels: alf, circuit city, video games

A man was killed yesterday when an X-Box video game console fell of a store shelf and crushed him. The console, which weighs an estimated 200 lbs. and is about the length of five Mattel Electronic Football fields, was on the top shelf in the video game aisle. The X-Box must not have been properly balanced because it fell without notice onto the individual. Experts are calling this the worse video game related disaster since the Mortal Kombat wars of 1995. "This is the worst video game related disaster since the Mortal Kombat wars," said one such expert, "This is almost as bad as the time in 1989 when that guy played Tetris for 87 hours straight, went insane, and killed 50 people by throwing blocks off the Empire State Building." Many consider the X-Box the most dangerous system (one teenager called it "bas ass"), but the worse may yet to come. Microsoft has already announced the "Y-Box" as a follow up. It will weigh about twice as much and, according to Bill Gates, "will probably be better as far as graphics and stuff go too." Mr. Fish says: What the hell kind of name is X-Box anyway? Did it use to be a box, but now it's not? And what about Gamecube? So stupid. And Playstation? Sounds like a Fisher price toy. Lance Froman says: Gamecube is cool. I got this new game called Lost Kingdoms. You kill monsters by putting cards down and you get to be a princess!! Nick Crudpants says: That sounds pretty gay to me. Mike Rapstinks says: Gay? I'm offended by that! Not that I have any reason to be...

Labels: bill gates, video games, x-box