Last week I began watching a TGIF from November 1991 and logging my thoughts while doing so. Today I'm watching the second and last (thank God) half.

00:05 Here we go... Rising and Falling with Perfect Strangers.

02:01 Some blindfolded guy is smelling oranges in this commercial. Isn't that a form of foreplay from them movies on late night Cinemax.

03:33 "Birds with no feathers flock together", celebrating Mud Day... Oh Balki, will you ever learn!

07:35 "Salt, Pepper, Diamond"? Why the hell is that suppose to be funny. I wonder if the guy in charge of adding the canned laughter just added to fake yucks randomly because he figured no one would notice... he would of been correct.

09:22 "One of the Turkey's must of swallowed the ring, it's the only thing that makes sense."

10:45 I think Larry's going to kick Balki's ass. It's about time.

13:43 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze on VHS for $22.95. There is no part of that sentence I like.

15:01 "Baby Talk" is next. Why god, why?

17:55 This guy wants to know what the "foreign boy" is doing in his home. He must be a republican.

20:04 Larry really needs some Anger Management training.

22:45 Balki just tickled a guy instead of giving him the Heimlich.

26:40 Anyone else see something wrong with a pregnancy test commercial during a show aimed towards teenagers.

30:15 Look Who's Talking just started, er I mean Baby Talk. The theme song enough makes me want to die.


30:48 Scoot Baio... If I stop posting it's because I shot myself.

31:18 This F-Zero ad might soothe me for a while.

34:01 Death, torture, horrible disease.. please, anything other than this!.

35:10 Why does Baio do the voice of the baby as well as star as some annoying ass. Who thought Scott Baio could play two rolls? Who?

37:05 A Sizzler joke! One horrible thing making fun of another. Good, maybe we could bundle all these horrible things and send 'em straight to the evildoers.

38:44 That isn't funny! I don't care when this stupid canned laughter was recorded, they should be ashamed!

43:01 Thank god, a commercial break. I've seen this Pizza Hut Feivel Goes West as about 20 times so far this last hour and
I still prefer it.

45:00 15 mintes to go... I can't make it. I hurt physically.

45:43 Scott Baio's phone is almost as big as Zack Morris'

47:34 I remember once when I was very little my brother dropped a battery on my head and I had to go to the hospital. From now on I'll look back on that moment in my life fondly.

50:13 I bet this kid is in therapy now... or, if it was as much torture for him to record this show as it is for me to watch it, dead.

53:36 I need an aspirin.

55:34 They're breaking the wishbone. I bet they're both wishing for the end of time.

56:00 The show ends on a burp. Really? Who the hell wrote this crap!


57:01 Hey, I remember this Mario commercial... I still don't get it.



57:58 "Stay tuned for 20/20" I didn't back then, and I'm not now.

Labels: baby talk, bad movies, perfect starngers, tgif

Earlier this month a home recorded video of T.G.I.F. from November 1991 surfaced on the internet. TGIF, for those of you not cool enough to remember was a popular block of family friendly sitcoms that would air every Friday night on ABC. It seemed like high quality entertainment back then, but that I'm older and, I'd like to think a tad bit wiser, I realize that I was an idiot back then. Anytime I flip through the channels and see a rerun of a TGIF alumni like Family Matters or Full House I want to bash my head in and cry.

For that reason I decided to see if I could make it all the way through this 2 hours of Sitcom hell. And of course I decided to share my torturous experience with you.

Since the video found online was sectioned into two parts, I decided to split my thoughts into two different parts. Today we'll be going through Family Matters (aka The Urkel Show) and Step By Step (aka "Lets do a 90's version of The Brady Bunch").




0:00 The video abruptly starts with Carl in a dress. Dear god, how am I going to make it.

2:00 About 2 minutes in when we get our first Woooooooo from the canned laugh track.

2:45 Eddie just had his friend call him a virgin, I don't remember this show being that edgy. No, I don't think that's very edgy, just more edgy than I remember...

4:15 We have Urkel!

5:48 The Winslows have a big ugly fish plate in their kitchen. Who the hell designs these sets?

7:01 Urkel just mistook Mrs. Winslow kissing Carl in drag for her becoming a lesbian. Wow!

10:30 Commercial: "The kids really like their Radio Shack electronic games" Oh, lord.



11:52 Ooo! Ben, is going to pump up the volume this Saturday on Growing Pains.

12:30 Urkel doing his best to avoid sex. Steve Urkel, the spokesperson for abstinence.

13:30 Ugh! Urkel in all leather.

14:30 Crap, Family Matters just practically made the same joke I'd write 5 years later. I feel so depressed.

18:00 What the hell is that big ugly red thing in the back of their living room.

19:05 Oh, generic sad music score. I'm gonna shed some synthesized tears.

20:20 Eddie is sportin' some nice orange pants

21:05 Family Matters just ended (sans credits). I'm 25% done. I might just make it.

22:53 Larry and Balki just alerted me to the horror that Step by Step is next. Maybe I won't make it.

23:48 Oh yeah, it's an ad for Hammerman, the MC Hammer cartoon!

25:11 It's Patrick Duffy, Scuzzlebutt's left leg.

26:32 The family is debating whether or not to get an answering machine. What the hell years was this made? 1984?

27:55 Everyone sing along now, "Step By Step, Day By Day, A fresh start.. uh... la la da ghh"

29:00 This K-mart ad makes me glad they lost the big box wars.

29:33 Another K-mart ad, c'mon.

30:06 Cody... oh god no. The inspiration for the turtle in Nemo.

31:13 Wow, this guy must of went to the Keanu Reeves acting school.

33:42 The daughter is a slut. Comedy gold!

34:13 Duffy just said he met with Kramer. That must of been the worse episode of Seinfeld ever.

35:01 A Milli-Vanila reference. I guess that must have been actually relavent in 1991.

37:05 The answering machine deletes message on it's own. Where did they buy it? I'd like one of those.

38:34 This guy has a Discman for a chest. Dear god.

39:01 "Mommy wow! I'm a big kid now!" Love that song!

41:01 Patrick Duffy almost died. Yeah I said almost. Maybe nest time.

51:00 Madnadoodle will let me doodle and undoodle.

53:03 Perfect strangers is next, can't wait.

Labels: abc, bad movies, family matters, step by step, tgif, urkel

Man, Alvin and The Chipmunks would of been a great movie if it wasn't for all those damn high pitched sped up voices.

Luckily, I'm working on a special edition of the movie that will fix that! Take a look:



The film is also now a healthy 4 hours long!

Labels: Alvin and The Chipmunks, bad movies, video

"Eh? Think About It."

The plot to this movie has more holes than the movie "Holes", and more clichés than the movie "Cliches" (Okay, okay, I made that movie up). I don't think I need to go any further than pointing out it features a cop on his last day before retirement to prove my point. But, hey, this movie isn’t all about plot, it’s about the anger.

Michael Douglas plays a man fed up with his life. He's divorced, misses his daughter, lives with his mom, and is laid off his job. Rather than take control of his life, he decides to take revenge on the small things that bother us every day. Things like traffic, overpriced convenience stores, impatient guys waiting to use payphones, racist guys that own army surplus stores, um... violent gang... hmmm. O, and of course there's the famous "I don’t want lunch, I want breakfast" scene:



I was in Wendy's a couple of weeks ago after they stopped serving breakfast and they still gave it to me... I guess Wendy's is better than Wamburger.

This is less a movie, than just guy on journey to see his daughter on her birthday, getting pissed off at every little thing on the way, applying his own brand of vigilante justice where he sees fit. Who hasn't wanted to shoot up a McDonalds or kill some mean racist guy who destroys your snow globe. But nonetheless there is some nice story in here. It's a sad tale of a man who just quite adapt to the world. He wants to have a family again, a decent job, a normal life. But, as he sees it, everyone else is getting in his way, holding him back.
Maybe "Bad movie" is too strong, after all Ebert liked it, although not that bastard Ebert. I just can't understand what any of it has to do with Sir-Mix-Alot:

Labels: bad movies, falling down, michael douglas, wendy's

Found via You Tube.

Labels: bad movies, youtube

"Foooour-evvv-uh, Fooooour-evvv-uh"

Welcome to "Bad Movies I Like," what's bound to be the most beloved column I'll ever publish... or not. Hell, this might be the only one I ever I write. What's the point of making such a commitment.

This week, or month, or time, or whatever, we take a look at The Sandlot. This was basically a movie about a bunch of kids who play baseball. They just play themselves and never bother keep score or anything. Sounds exciting, eh?

This movie includes such memorable lines as "If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards." This was a favorite among my peers back in the day. They would use this line on each other between telling "Your Mamma" jokes they had heard on "In Living Color." This would be followed by laughter and served as proof that kids are dumb.

Who could forget the classic scene when the kids try chewing tobacco for the first time while riding a roller coaster, proving that kids in movies are dumb too. This leads to all the kids vomiting all each other and everyone. Did I mention this is a family film.

At a sleepover,the token fat kid says if he had to eat just one food for the rest of his life it'd be cherry flavored Pezz. Which actually doesn't like that bad of a choice to me. Hey, wasn't there a scene here about Smores too? It had some stupid joke like, "Do you want some Smores?" "Some more of what?" Ha! Genius!

Anyway, it's at this sleepover where the story of "The Beast" is told. "The Beast," according to this sequence, appears to a huge dog, like the size of Clifford. Only this dog is evil... although I've always had my suspicion about Clifford... and when is T-Bone going to get his own show... and I'm rambling off again, aren't I... AREN”T I?

So anyway, yes, this dog, or "The Beast," just happens to live next to The Sandlot. And, because the movie needs a plot, one kid accidentally hits his dad's autographed "Babe Ruth" baseball over the fence. And hilarity ensues. Well, maybe not.

The kids try all different types of things to get the ball back. Like using vacuums, catapults, and running real fast. But none if really matters because it turns out the the guy who owns "The Beast" is actually a kind old man played by James Earl Jones. He invites the kids in and tells the kids the virtues of Verizon DSL.

Did I mention Dennis Leary is in this movie? No? Well, that's because there really isn't any point of doing so.

They've recently come out with a sequel to this movie, creatively called "The Sandlot 2". In this movie a kid accidentally launches his dad's prized toy rocket over the fence where now a creature called "The Big Fear" lives. It might sound the same, but this time James Earl Jones tells them the virtues of the Bell Atlantic Yellow Pages.

"9 out of 10 use it, No other book can match it"

Labels: bad movies, dennis leary, sandlot