So many troubles in the world. World hunger. Wars being fought. People dying from incurable diseases. Global warming (or a natural state of climate change if you're a mental midget.) But none of these will matter any more come this Friday. The iPhone is coming.

Oh yes, their will be no more choosing whether to carry your iPod, camera, cell phone, or bible with you. Now you can take them all in one magnificent shiny black box. The iPhone is coming.

No longer will you have to go a single second wondering if anyone has posted a comment to your myspace page. Next time you have the urge to watch the latest idiot lip-syncing to a Backstreet Boys song while on the bus you can. The iPhone is coming.

This Friday you'll be able to increase your credit card debt another $500 to $600. You'll finally be able to spend $60 or more a month on a cell phone plan.
The iPhone is coming.

You can finally leave your wife, quit your job, blow off your friends, burn down your house (or better yet sell it, you'll need to cash to pay for the phone), crash your car, give away all your clothes, saw off your legs, and carve out your imagination. You don't need any of it anymore. The iPhone is coming.

The iPhone is shiny, smooth, sexy, and without a doubt, the greatest thing to happen to you since birth. It is the reason you were born. Your only purpose in life is to own this contraption. You must give yourself over to it. Surrender your mind, spirit, and soul. The Holy Trinity is now the Holy Square. The Son, the Father, the Holy Spirit, and the iPhone. Actually, who needs all that extra filler, let's make the Holy Trinity Steve Jobs, Apple, and the iPhone.

After Friday, the iPhone will the new favorite for President in the 2008 election. An iPhone will replace the book on the Statue of Liberty. The iPhone will be carved into the side of Mount Rushmore. The iPhone will be named the new host of Price is Right. The Yankees will sign the iPhone for 22 million dollars. The iPhone will be the subject of the next Michael Moore documentary.

The world is changing, it's getting better. Their has never been a more exciting time to be alive. Pure happiness. Some have surmised, probably correctly, that everyone is going to die Friday, because the iPhone is heaven.

Dates will now end in the prefix BP and AP, before iPhone and After iPhone.

Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself, for the the best, most exciting, thing to ever happen to you.... until the second generation iPhone is announced.

Labels: apple, iphone, steve jobs

The world's oldest iPod has died at the age of 2. It's owner, George Flippant, 12 of Newark, New Jersey, hobbies include fishing and fragging, his favorite Backstreet boy is the one with the hair, was deeply saddened by the unfortunate turn of events.

The iPod more than outlived it's life expectancy of 366 days (1 day longer than the included warranty) by a full year. Many marveled at the ancient technology of the iPod with it's old school tech wheel and all.

"The wheel in the click wheel actually turned instead of staying stationary. It's so 2002," Flippant's 8 year old neighbor Alexander Beef told us when we were able to distract him from his new triple screen GameBoy.

The elder iPod's life ended abruptly when it was dropped on Flippant's kitchen floor.

"It all happened so fast," Flippant told us, telling us the events of the iPod's demise, "One minute I was dancing to the new Eminem song with the iPod in my hand. I was pretending to be one of those silhouette people like in the commercials. Then the next minute the iPod has flown out of my hand and is crashing into a million pieces after hitting the floor."

Most iPods die of bad batteries, hard drive failure, or depression of a crappy music library. Not everyone believes Flippant's story.

"He just broke it cause he wanted a new one for christmas," George Flippant's sister Georgia told us, "He's always doing stuff like that. He always get's it too. Like that time he broke his arm and Mom took him out of school for two days. He was so faking it."

The police will not say if they're willing to rule out foul play yet.

"What the hell do I care what happened to some kid's walkman," Tony Putz, chief of police, told us.

Meanwhile George does indeed plan to ask for another iPod this christmas.

"They're so cool. They're just like old iPods but they can display photos! And they're only $600!"

Labels: apple, Gameboy, ipod

echnology is always improving. And what better
technology out there right now then the mp3 player. Of course there's all those
medical type equipments and such too, but this story isn't about that.

Rio used to have the overall market share of MP3 players, way back in the golden age
of 1999. But then other companies started competing, and that can never can be good
for business, just look at Jack in the Box. Then Apple made an mp3 player that
didn't suck, and that was the end of that... but, unfortunately, not the end of this
story.

Rio is back on the market with an MP3 player so small it's sure to turn heads, at
least it would if it were viewable. The new Rio MP-87658.0g is not only so small it can
fit inside a match book holder, if such a thing exists, it also is capable of holding
45,095,9832,125.9 songs of CD quality (this is if each song is only 90 seconds long
and encoded at a bit rate of 18kps, you may say that's not CD Quality, but that's your
opinion. I personally can't tell the difference between CDs and a mp3 of this
quality).

A Rio spokesperson told us it also might have games you can play on it. They're not
sure yet, even though the MP3 has an LCD screen, it's too small for anyone too see if
games are actually available on it.

This MP3 player sounds all fine and dandy, and I highly recommend it. The only
drawback so far is that it may be a little fragile. In fact, about two thirds of all
players will break if you push the buttons on the front a little too hard. The
player is not compatible with AAC or WMA, so if your one of those losers who actually
pay for songs you download you are out of luck. Also the player is too small to use
headphones with, an adapter is planned, but has not yet been released. Oh, and one
last thing, I think Rio went of business years ago.

Labels: apple, ipod, mp3, rio

Refusing to admit being outdone in any sort of way, Microsoft Launched it's own Music Store last week. Unfortunately, the ease of use is nonexistent. MSN just doesn't get it.

After purchasing each song you must enter in a serial number and register it (or in their words, "activate it") within 30 days of first play or else the song will cease to function. Also each song will automatically put a shortcut in your taskbar, desktop, and start menu. It will also run in the background when you start your PC and have to be shut off manually in the bottom right corner of your screen.

If it annoys you to have to turn off all your music files every time you go on the computer, don't worry, all the files will crash by themselves if you just wait a couple of minutes. Of course for each file that crashes you will get that annoying error box asking you if you want to send a report to Microsoft about it. Sending the report, of course, will just result in a web page loading up blaming the crash on a third party driver.

Meanwhile Microsoft is warning users to update their music files to latest version or they may be taken over by a hacker. And hackers have a crappy bitchin' taste in music (edited by hacker i-m-so-kewl). It is also advised that you reformat your mp3 player each time you transfer a new song onto it for best results.

Apple, owner of song selling leader iTunes, has said they will stay on top by continuing to offer mediocre products at expensive prices... but that are extremely stylish.

Note: I would love to take credit for creating the above image, but I actually stole it from here.

Labels: apple, bill gates, itunes, mp3, msn music, windows

At Macfest 2004, the biweekly Apple show-off fest, the greatest portable gadget ever made since the iPod was introduced.

"People have been waiting for years for such a gadget," some Mac geek in attendance told us, "at long last we can toast bread on the go."

Yep, that's right folks! The iToaster is here.

"Just as you once could only listen to your mp3s at your house, you can only currenlty toast at your house," Steve Jobs told a crowd of adoring nerds, "Now we have taken a step forward and brought the world the first portable toaster."

The iToaster is expected to retail for about $300 and debut on the Apple website this spring. The iToaster mini is expected to debut later on. It only can toast a single slice at a time but will cost about $50 cheaper. And it will come in different colors. How cool is that? Huh.... well? ANSWER ME GOD DAMN IT....

Labels: apple, steve jobs, toast