If you live in New York City you have been through a lot lately. First smoking is banned from restaurants. Then the price of the pay toilets go up to $2.00... I mean the Subways. So it costs you more to get to work each day, but it doesn't matter because you've laid off. So you decide to walk down to the bar and drown your sorrows... sorry pal. Mayor Mike Bloomberg announced yesterday that drinking will no longer be permited in bars. "For the safety of the bartender we have decided to ban all alcohol consumption in bars," Bloomberg told a group of unemployed sanitation workers who were coming to pick up there last pay check. Bloomberg went on to explain how drinking in bars caused safety issues. "Well there's a chance when someone is drunk they'll vomit. And there are a lot of blood borne pathogens in vomit. In these days with SARS and all you can't be too safe," Bloomberg then boarded his private jet as he prepared to leave. While bar owners are concerned that sales might go down and force them to lose business, Bloomberg assured them that they'd still be able to serve drinks. Patrons, however, would have to walk out to the street to actually consume them. As Bloomberg's jet began to take off, it experienced engine trouble and caught on fire. Because all the fire fighters in the local firehouse had been laid off the fire wasn't put out for three hours. Bloomberg was badly burnt, but is okay now as he bought a new body from a desperate laid off cop who wasn't crooked enough to support himself through these tough times.

Labels: alcohol, michael bloomberg, new york

# posted by cheesegod.com : 10:14:00 AM  0 Comments

People gathered from around America last Saturday in New York City to protest the Joe Millionaire verdict. Protest organizers estimated that there was about 500,000 in attendance while cops said they didn't care.

It was cold, it was wet, it actually was kind of stupid, but that didn't stop the protesters from coming out.

"Well, the fact is it's time Evan Marriot heard our voice," said one protester who held a sign reading 'Pick Me Joe,' "He clearly should of chose Sara instead of Zora."

"He should of picked the girl with the bigger boobies," said a construction worker who joined the march, "the fact that he picked the frump is a disgrace to construction workers everywhere."

The group marched up times square before getting lost.

"We could of swore FOX studios were around here somewhere," said one confused guy.

The protesters finally wound up at NBC studios in Rockefeller Center and decided that it was close enough.

"They're such morons," said Conan O' Brien looking from the window of his G.E. building, "how can anyone be that dumb. Except for my fans of course." Conan then began to dance like an idiot and make weird high pitched "ow" noises for about an hour or two.

"They all look about the age of Joe Millionaire to me," said one on looker who was urinating on a near by mailbox, "they're probably just afraid of commitment."

At the end of it all Evan Marriot finally responded only by saying, "I understand what they're saying, but I respectfully disagree."

But, since it's a decision that doesn't directly affect all those protesting, he has all the right to make it without listening to them. Now, if it was a far more serous decision, and that many people protested, no one in their right mind would just write it off.... right?

Labels: iraq, joe millioniare, new york, reality tv

# posted by cheesegod.com : 8:39:00 AM  0 Comments