cheesegod.com

20 Months Gone

2010-02-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

Due to crappy hosting by GoDaddy and a failed backup on my part, the last 20 months of content of this site is gone. I wish I could get it back, it doesn't look like it'll happen.

I might get lucky and find a few things here or there, but the most part I am boned. Life sucks. What can I do, but move on. Oh well.

Obama Calls For An End To Talk Show Partisanship

2010-01-30T09:37:00.002-05:00

President Obama's State of the Union address took a surprising turn when he called for an end to the bickering over who is the better Tonight Show host.

“Look... I know some of you think Leno is better... and others think Conan is better... but we need to put our differences aside, and worry what's best for the American television viewer,” Obama said between his remarks on increasing exports and how awesome he thought the iPad was going to be.

“Personally... I prefer Conan. When he started hosting The Tonight Show, that was change. Change I could believe in.”

That was met with thunderous applause, at least from the left half of the crowd. Republicans remained seated and made frowney faces to show that they disagreed.

“I like Change,” Obama added.

Robert F. McDonnell, in the Republican rebuttal, offered his party's view.

“Leno is clearly better,” McDonnell said, “he appeals to us red states because he wears an American flag pin. A pin, may I remind you, Obama didn't wear sometimes about 20 months or so ago.”

McDonnell also offered further reasoning why he preferred Leno.

“Did you see that one show where he went on the street, I think the bit was called Leno strolling, and asked that guy what book the quote 'It was the worse of times' was from, and the guy said Harry Potter. That was hilarious,” McDonnell was hardly able to finish the sentence due to his laughing so hard, but managed to go on, “The guy didn't even specify which Harry Potter book he thought it was from.”

Jay Leno, appearing on Oprah after being lured there by the chance she might give him a another car for his collection, said in response to the Presidents remarks, “Obama has bigger things to worry about than me. Have you seen his ratings lately? They're worse than mine. If he becomes any less popular NBC might give him The Tonight Show.”

Conan O'Brien could not be reached from comment, but it was reported that after he heard what the president had to say he did an idiotic dance. However, he dances around like that all the time all the time so it probably nothing to do with anything

Trinity Killer - "Singnin In The Bathtub"

2009-11-20T09:39:00.000-05:00

Unititled Comic - 5/8/08

2008-05-08T07:39:00.002-04:00

I'm here posting another comic, but I'd rather be eating breakfast.

Tokyo Thursday - Butt Baseball

2008-05-08T06:17:00.000-04:00

A guy and a little girl reenact a game of baseball with their butts...

Untitled Comic - 5/7/08

2008-05-07T09:02:00.002-04:00

I could so use this space for better purposes, like Democratic race commentary, or fart jokes, but instead I waste it on another Untitled Comic.

Homeless 007

2008-05-07T08:47:00.003-04:00

How can something so stupid... can be so stupid.

No, seriously this is actually pretty good... or might just be my lack of sleep that makes me think this is good.

Every Damn Super Hero In The World Loves Pie!

2008-05-06T09:51:00.003-04:00

During the month of April I came across some comics from 1975 that each featured a one page ad with different superheros taking on baddies using Hostess Fruit Pies. I scanned and posted each one right here for your enjoyment.

On the last one I posted I promised no more, but, thanks to the power of the internets, I found about a million more of these. So, instead of just pretending like these don't exist, I bring you one last post with direction on where to go to find a ton more (possibly all of them, I don't know, and I'm not sure I want to know).

I was also shocked to learn that Marvel comics also took part in this crazy marketing charade (Et Tu Spiderman?).

So here is a huge collection of ads that appeared in DC comics throughout the 70's and 80's.:

Branded In The 80's Essential Collection of DC Hostess Ads

Untitled Comic - 5/6/08

2008-05-06T09:42:00.002-04:00

It's May 6th. The nation is tired of updates consisting of just these stupid comics. But, on this fair weathered spring day, here we are yet again, with another untitled comic strip.

Unitltled Comic - 5/5/08

2008-05-05T08:09:00.002-04:00

Aye Aye aye aye... Cinco De Mayo... Not even a holiday that seems to be around to just get drunk down at the On The Border restaurant chain can keep me from wasting my timr posting another one of these!

Marmaduke Mondays - 5/5/08

2008-05-05T08:07:00.002-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~us to the TWIT~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Ewww... Look what I stepped in

2008-05-04T10:09:00.000-04:00

Can someone explain to me why I'd want to have it look like I stepped accross a Vegas craps table?

Untitles Comic - 5/2/08

2008-05-02T11:01:00.002-04:00

Comic #3 in a series. A series of what, I don't know.

Untitled Comic - 5/1/08

2008-05-01T07:55:00.002-04:00

It's May! Who cares! Read this comic!

Tokyo Thursday - Girls In A New Town

2008-05-01T07:51:00.002-04:00

This commercial from japan has subtitles and doesn't need much explaining.

Untitled - 4/30/08

2008-04-30T10:33:00.001-04:00

Here's an Untitled comic, more to come in the next few days.

2008-04-28T07:54:00.001-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~Wesley Snipes to pay his taxes~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Spam of the week

2008-04-25T13:32:00.003-04:00

Super Viagra was the worse superhero ever.

Click image for bigger view.

Tokyo Tetris - The Latest Tetris

2008-04-24T08:34:00.002-04:00

The ATM comedian is back, except this time he is playing Tetris. Let's watch, shall we?

Why are you eating that?

2008-04-22T12:15:00.000-04:00

This is the line for McDonald's. McFreakinDonalds. Why would anyway wait on line for a hamburger that's not even good. Not even mediocore. You want the McDonald's expeirance? Take a crap in a box and eat that. It's probably better for you too.

Showtime, Chaos and Torches

2008-04-22T08:32:00.001-04:00

Yesterday Paramount Pictures announced it would stop providing movies for the Showtime network so it could start it's own premium movie channel. Showtime said it wasn't worried about it's future.

"We have plenty of original programing left to fill the void," Showtime program director Joe Orsulak told us while hanging from a noose, "We got Dexter, that Tudors show.... um Weeds, and This American Life I guess.... so that's about 3 hours of programing there. We just need to pad out the other 165 hours each week."

Paramount is convinced they have made the right decision. After all this is the network that is known for such great decisions like switching to HD-DVD, creating the UPN network, the movie Hot Rod, the Iraq war... well, I'm not sure how much they had to do with that last one.

"We've distanced ourselves from Tom Cruise. So you can't call us crazy," Sumner Redstone, who owns both Paramount and Showtime told us as he got dressed in a giant hot dog suit.

The new network is expected to launch in 2009 with such wonderful movies as Transformers and um... that's it I guess.

-------

Dr Edward Lorenz, founder of the Chaos Theory, died last week. He was killed when his head exploded with 32 miniature Patrick Duffys dressed in leotards who proceeded to do the macarena.

-------

The local 640 union of Frankenstein monsters were expected to boycott the Olympic torch, but were scared away when they saw it coming.

--------

Marmaduke Mondays - 4/21/08

2008-04-21T08:38:00.002-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~people Pennsylvania to put an end to this Democratic Primary once and for all~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

George W. Bush Measures His Success

2008-04-19T09:11:00.002-04:00

Makes me proud of our leader.

Tokyo Thursday - Swartzenegger Burts From A Woman's Head

2008-04-16T19:12:00.002-04:00

I know you're double checking your watch (assuming you have one of those fancy ones that tell you the day of the week). Yes, today is Wednesday, but I'm not sure if I'll get the chance to update tom morrow. If you don't like it, just close your eyes and not open until about 24 hours from now.

Anyway, here's a commercial the Governor of California did in Japan for a sports drink.

The Joker Does Not Like Pie.

2008-04-16T08:24:00.003-04:00

This is the last of these, I swear. This is the last one I have anyway.

If you're curious what Batman and Superman think of Hostess Fruit pies, click here and here.

Jay Leno Chicken

2008-04-15T11:16:00.000-04:00

Is it wrong to eat chicken if it looks like Jay Leno?

Superb Quality

2008-04-14T18:08:00.002-04:00

Click picture for bigger picture... yesh!

Marmaduke Mondays - 4/14/08

2008-04-14T07:35:00.001-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~Americans to continue brain tissue loss resulting from watching American Idol~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Tokyo Thursday - Tires

2008-04-10T07:37:00.002-04:00

This week we take a look at an advertisement for tires. The commercial is completely in Japanese, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out. All you really need to know is a son is asking his dad to use the car, and promising to be responsible.

Batman Likes Pie Too...

2008-04-09T09:34:00.002-04:00

Man, first Superman, now Batman. I need to get me some of these pies.

OMG!

2008-04-08T20:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I bet that acronym just any coolness it may have had.

Clark Kent Likes Pies

2008-04-07T07:28:00.001-04:00

That Superman is such a genius, I never would of thought of a better way to get out of this sticky situation:

Marmaduke Mondays - 4/7/08

2008-04-07T07:24:00.003-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~mass suicide after "My Dad is Better Than Your Dad"~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Ghostbusters

2008-04-05T10:58:00.000-04:00

Just met the Ghostbusters at Icon

Tokyo Thursday - Laugh at a Fat Cat

2008-04-03T07:57:00.002-04:00

Watch as an obese feline is taunted and laughed at on Japanese television:

This cat weighs in at 26.5 pounds. Poor cat can't even scratch himself. I'm on my way to overfeed my hamster now so I can get on TV too.

Think Geek Breaks My Heart

2008-04-02T21:41:00.004-04:00

Every year Think Geek puts up a slew of fake products as a joke for April Fools. Items have included such silly items as a wireless power strip and a Beta-Max to HD-DVD converter. When I see such products I usually have a good laugh (or a good smirk at least, can you have a 'good' smirk? I'll have to ask Dick Cheney next time I see him.), but sometimes Think Geek introduces a product so great, my head may know it's fake, but my heart doesn't want it to be.

Last year was the 8-bit tie, a piece of neck wear designed to look good enough for Mario. Fortunately I wasn't the only one who marveled at the prospect of such a nice piece of clothing, as Think Geek after being bombarded with email actually made it into a real item. Unfortunately, the real item was made rather shoddy and mine fell apart. I need to acquire some mad sewing skills or actually take it to a trailor where I'm sure they'll laugh me out of existence.

This year, though, Think Geek outdid themselves introducing the latest video game oddity from Japan, Super Pii Pii Brothers for the Nintendo Wii. You see, in this game... well let's just let the YouTube do the talking:

Yes, this just might be the most awesome game of all time, besides Superman 64 of course. But unless Think Geek gets into video game programing it will never be. Oh, the sadness of it all.

2008-03-31T08:17:00.001-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~stale beer and undercooked hot dogs~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Bar Handle

2008-03-28T10:56:00.000-04:00

Do you think they put this handle here for realy drunk people so they don't fall off they're stool?

Barney Guitar Hero

2008-03-27T20:42:00.000-04:00

Tokyo Thursday - Shhhhh 2

2008-03-27T11:49:00.002-04:00

Here we have another exciting installment of everyone's favorite game show that takes place in a library.

As you know the concept is simple: Before each round cards are drawn, whoever gets the skull card gets a prank played on them. But remember, be quiet!

Fox Exec Doesn't Have Heart To Cancel Simpsons

2008-03-26T22:41:00.002-04:00

Brook Fordyce has received many kudos from critics since he became the head program director at the FOX network. When he expanded American Idol to four and a half hours and added it to a sixth night, ratings soured. When he added the new game show Super-Hooker, critics raved. And of course there was his decision to let Seth MacFarlane make another cartoon with outdated references and no plot or story to appeal to that often forgotten mentally retarded market. But, there is one thing Fordyce just has not been able to do, cancel The Simpsons.

The Simpsons, which has been on for a mere 19 seasons has delighted many over the years, but even the writers of the show agree it's just not that good anymore.

"What, yeah, we don't really write the shows anymore," writer John Frink told us from the closet they call a writers room, "we just look back at old shows and rewrite them."

"The show hasn't been very good lately, or for the last 5 seasons even," Dr. Joe Orsulak, professor of TV studies at Joe's College Emporium, "the show should be canceled, or moved to the CW, where low ratings are all part of Dawn Ostroff's Evil plan to kick start Armageddon."

So, if the show's ratings are so low, why hasn't it been canceled?

"I know it should be canceled, alright," Fordyce told us, "I've even gone down to the Simpson's studio a couple of times to do it. But every time I look into Matt Groening's big brown eyes... well, I just can't go through with it."

Not everyone is so sympathetic. FOX owner and National Socialist enthusiast Rupert Murdoch isn't so impressed.

"Big brown eyes?" Murdoch shouted from on top of a flying centurion pony, "I'll show him some big black eyes if expenditures are not successfully cut by 1.3% by the end of the fiscal year!"

With the threat of a semi-God riding over Fordyce's head, what's keeping him from giving the show the ole axe?

"I've spent the last 20 years with those wacky yellow guys." Fordyce told us with a tear in his eye, "When Homer met his Mom I cried, when Marge became a Cop I laughed, when Lisa became a vegetarian I stopped eating meat, and when Bart became Captain Sewer Pants and saved Springfield from the attacking 80 foot Regis Philbman I was on the edge of my seat."

"They'd be fools to cancel us now," Matt Groening creator of The Simpsons, Futuarama, Life is Hell, and a foul smelling fart during this interview, "We got some great episodes coming up! There's one where Homer becomes the lead singer for Arcade Fire, we working on another episode where the family gets a horse... again, oh, and let's not forget the return of Captain Sewer Pants!"

Fordyce isn't worried though, he has a plan.

"I'll just cancel something else. I've been doing it every year. So far I've canceled Firefly, or Arrested Development, Family Guy, Futurama... 24 soon."

Marmaduke Mondays - 3/24/08

2008-03-24T08:57:00.001-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~ham leftovers~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Happy Easter!

2008-03-21T09:37:00.000-04:00

For those were are Greek out there, just come back to this exact page in one month so it's relevant.

Tokyo Thursday: At the ATM

2008-03-20T09:30:00.001-04:00

Here's a clip from Japan that is not a game show at all, how about that. Here we have a comedic sketch involving going to the ATM. It contains a Brain Age joke, so, I mean really, it has to be great!

Watching TGIF part 2

2008-03-19T09:13:00.005-04:00

Last week I began watching a TGIF from November 1991 and logging my thoughts while doing so. Today I'm watching the second and last (thank God) half.

00:05 Here we go... Rising and Falling with Perfect Strangers.

02:01 Some blindfolded guy is smelling oranges in this commercial. Isn't that a form of foreplay from them movies on late night Cinemax.

03:33 "Birds with no feathers flock together", celebrating Mud Day... Oh Balki, will you ever learn!

07:35 "Salt, Pepper, Diamond"? Why the hell is that suppose to be funny. I wonder if the guy in charge of adding the canned laughter just added to fake yucks randomly because he figured no one would notice... he would of been correct.

09:22 "One of the Turkey's must of swallowed the ring, it's the only thing that makes sense."

10:45 I think Larry's going to kick Balki's ass. It's about time.

13:43 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze on VHS for $22.95. There is no part of that sentence I like.

15:01 "Baby Talk" is next. Why god, why?

17:55 This guy wants to know what the "foreign boy" is doing in his home. He must be a republican.

20:04 Larry really needs some Anger Management training.

22:45 Balki just tickled a guy instead of giving him the Heimlich.

26:40 Anyone else see something wrong with a pregnancy test commercial during a show aimed towards teenagers.

30:15 Look Who's Talking just started, er I mean Baby Talk. The theme song enough makes me want to die.

30:48 Scoot Baio... If I stop posting it's because I shot myself.

31:18 This F-Zero ad might soothe me for a while.

34:01 Death, torture, horrible disease.. please, anything other than this!.

35:10 Why does Baio do the voice of the baby as well as star as some annoying ass. Who thought Scott Baio could play two rolls? Who?

37:05 A Sizzler joke! One horrible thing making fun of another. Good, maybe we could bundle all these horrible things and send 'em straight to the evildoers.

38:44 That isn't funny! I don't care when this stupid canned laughter was recorded, they should be ashamed!

43:01 Thank god, a commercial break. I've seen this Pizza Hut Feivel Goes West as about 20 times so far this last hour and
I still prefer it.

45:00 15 mintes to go... I can't make it. I hurt physically.

45:43 Scott Baio's phone is almost as big as Zack Morris'

47:34 I remember once when I was very little my brother dropped a battery on my head and I had to go to the hospital. From now on I'll look back on that moment in my life fondly.

50:13 I bet this kid is in therapy now... or, if it was as much torture for him to record this show as it is for me to watch it, dead.

53:36 I need an aspirin.

55:34 They're breaking the wishbone. I bet they're both wishing for the end of time.

56:00 The show ends on a burp. Really? Who the hell wrote this crap!

57:01 Hey, I remember this Mario commercial... I still don't get it.

57:58 "Stay tuned for 20/20" I didn't back then, and I'm not now.

Marmaduke Mondays - 3/17/08

2008-03-17T07:30:00.001-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~everyone to use St. Patrick's Day as an excuse to get drunk~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Tokyo Thursday: Baseball Catching

2008-03-13T18:31:00.001-04:00

In this game show contestants must catch baseballs to score points. Of course it's not quite as simple as it sounds.

Watching T.G.I.F.

2008-03-13T07:46:00.007-04:00

Earlier this month a home recorded video of T.G.I.F. from November 1991 surfaced on the internet. TGIF, for those of you not cool enough to remember was a popular block of family friendly sitcoms that would air every Friday night on ABC. It seemed like high quality entertainment back then, but that I'm older and, I'd like to think a tad bit wiser, I realize that I was an idiot back then. Anytime I flip through the channels and see a rerun of a TGIF alumni like Family Matters or Full House I want to bash my head in and cry.

For that reason I decided to see if I could make it all the way through this 2 hours of Sitcom hell. And of course I decided to share my torturous experience with you.

Since the video found online was sectioned into two parts, I decided to split my thoughts into two different parts. Today we'll be going through Family Matters (aka The Urkel Show) and Step By Step (aka "Lets do a 90's version of The Brady Bunch").

0:00 The video abruptly starts with Carl in a dress. Dear god, how am I going to make it.

2:00 About 2 minutes in when we get our first Woooooooo from the canned laugh track.

2:45 Eddie just had his friend call him a virgin, I don't remember this show being that edgy. No, I don't think that's very edgy, just more edgy than I remember...

4:15 We have Urkel!

5:48 The Winslows have a big ugly fish plate in their kitchen. Who the hell designs these sets?

7:01 Urkel just mistook Mrs. Winslow kissing Carl in drag for her becoming a lesbian. Wow!

10:30 Commercial: "The kids really like their Radio Shack electronic games" Oh, lord.

11:52 Ooo! Ben, is going to pump up the volume this Saturday on Growing Pains.

12:30 Urkel doing his best to avoid sex. Steve Urkel, the spokesperson for abstinence.

13:30 Ugh! Urkel in all leather.

14:30 Crap, Family Matters just practically made the same joke I'd write 5 years later. I feel so depressed.

18:00 What the hell is that big ugly red thing in the back of their living room.

19:05 Oh, generic sad music score. I'm gonna shed some synthesized tears.

20:20 Eddie is sportin' some nice orange pants

21:05 Family Matters just ended (sans credits). I'm 25% done. I might just make it.

22:53 Larry and Balki just alerted me to the horror that Step by Step is next. Maybe I won't make it.

23:48 Oh yeah, it's an ad for Hammerman, the MC Hammer cartoon!

25:11 It's Patrick Duffy, Scuzzlebutt's left leg.

26:32 The family is debating whether or not to get an answering machine. What the hell years was this made? 1984?

27:55 Everyone sing along now, "Step By Step, Day By Day, A fresh start.. uh... la la da ghh"

29:00 This K-mart ad makes me glad they lost the big box wars.

29:33 Another K-mart ad, c'mon.

30:06 Cody... oh god no. The inspiration for the turtle in Nemo.

31:13 Wow, this guy must of went to the Keanu Reeves acting school.

33:42 The daughter is a slut. Comedy gold!

34:13 Duffy just said he met with Kramer. That must of been the worse episode of Seinfeld ever.

35:01 A Milli-Vanila reference. I guess that must have been actually relavent in 1991.

37:05 The answering machine deletes message on it's own. Where did they buy it? I'd like one of those.

38:34 This guy has a Discman for a chest. Dear god.

39:01 "Mommy wow! I'm a big kid now!" Love that song!

41:01 Patrick Duffy almost died. Yeah I said almost. Maybe nest time.

51:00 Madnadoodle will let me doodle and undoodle.

53:03 Perfect strangers is next, can't wait.

Spitzer Up!

2008-03-11T17:53:00.002-04:00

Wow, I can't believe how fast the Reality TV machine caught up with current events! Did you see the new show that's on HBO tonight:

Marmaduke Mondays - 3/10/08

2008-03-10T08:12:00.001-04:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~you to get a job~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Spam of the week: Life Rock

2008-03-06T12:12:00.002-05:00

Looks like Josh wants to make me a life rock. Nice offer, but I'd like to stay in my current pre-Medusa engaged state.

Tokyo Thursday: Human Shapes

2008-03-06T10:09:00.002-05:00

This might possibly be the most ridiculous video featured here on cheesegod.com yet, and that's saying a lot. This video was described on youtube by it's poster as "Human Tetris" and that's about as accurate as you can probably get. Enjoy!

Do 32 Texans Have Nothing Better To Do?

2008-03-05T07:32:00.004-05:00

Last night before I went to bed I heard countless stories of the madness occurring at the late night caucus in Texas. Long lines around blocks, lack of ballots, places having to leave people outside because there was already so many inside they were breaking the fire code, and a general misunderstanding of how the process works. In one location they were shocked when over 200 people showed since they were only expecting 4.

With all this madness ensuing it's no wonder that when I woke up this morning only about a third of the precincts had reported their decision. But here's what I don't understand, why have 32 votes been submitted so far for 'undecided'?

Now, I don't throw the abbreviation WTF around often, but... WTF?

You know, I can see you being loyal to your candidate of choice and braving through all the chaos to make sure your voice is heard, but undecided? That's like spending millions of dollars for an ad during the Super Bowl only to just air a blank screen.

Meh, whatever. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself.

Rarest Girl Scout Badges

2008-03-04T09:28:00.003-05:00

In today's riveting cheesegod.com expose we reveal the rarest and hardest to get Girl Scout Badges. Every Girl Scout has the cooking badge, the sewing badge, the guilt tripping people into buying over priced cookies badge. But few have earned these badges:

This badge is awarded to those Scouts that use Windows Vista. But unfortunatley those that do don't want to admit it. Rumor is that even the scouts that had been rewarded this badge have traded it in for an Apple badge or a Linux badge.

In late 2007 presidential hopeful Joe Biden was so desperate for support from someone other than the two people who live in Delaware he decided to court the seldom tapped Girl Scout vote. Unfortunately even the glamor of a new badge for their chest couldn't persuade a girl scout to vote for him. Of course most girl scouts are not old enough to vote either, silly Joe.

One would think tailoring would be an easy badge to get. But for some reason every time a kid is sent to the Nike factory in South America to learn how to make clothing they never come back. So odd...

Nobody knows how this badge is earned. The only known Girl Scout who was lucky enough to receive this badge was Stacey Littlefoot of Nebraska. The story goes that anytime anyone asks her how she got it she just bursts into tears.

Marmaduke Mondays - 3/3/08

2008-03-03T07:57:00.001-05:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~the cable news pundits to wet their pants in anticipation of tomorrow's primaries~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Apprentice Gone Wild

2008-02-28T20:55:00.000-05:00

Nothing about this sounds good. Lord have mercey on us all.

Tokyo Thursday - Spare Me My Life

2008-02-28T08:23:00.001-05:00

Ever wish you could learn the English to use in case you are attacked? And ever wish that English could be taught through some kind of weird music/exercise video?
Well, then, here you go:

2008-02-27T09:57:00.000-05:00

Dollars To Donuts

2008-02-26T20:35:00.003-05:00

As I am writing this the Democratic debate in Ohio is about to start. But they're not going to ask the question that's on all our minds, "How many donuts have you bought?"

The NY Times, the newspaper known for his high quality story telling and McCain smearing has answered that very question.

Here's your breakdown of just how much of their campaign money has each canidate spent at Dunkin' Donuts:

Clinton: $5,950.53
Romney: $992.91
McCain: $923.70
Obama: $723.64
Edwards: $253.04
Paul: $108.07

The lesson here? I have no damn clue. I tell you one thing though, I'd think about it before you donate any more money to Ron Paul, he hardly using any of that for pastries!

John McCain Using Sorcery?

2008-02-25T09:30:00.002-05:00

Just noticed this ad on top of cheesegod.com:

Forget inappropriate relationships with lobbyists, this is a much bigger story. John McCain is using freakin' black magic! Or is he just reaching out to the all importatent Salem vote?

I wonder how many conservatives are seeing this ad and thinking, "Oh, geez, I hated McCain before, but look he has a crystal ball! I must RECONSIDER!" And then they probably run to church to ask god forgiveness for going to cheesegod.com, then maybe they'll shoot a duck or something, I don't know.

Marmaduke Mondays - 2/25/08

2008-02-25T07:39:00.002-05:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~worthless talk about last night's Academy Awards~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Tokyo Thursdays - Wax

2008-02-21T08:03:00.001-05:00

So here we have a game show with wax. Since this video already contains commentary in English I won't bother.
Enjoy!

Gee, Thanks Amazon

2008-02-20T07:32:00.005-05:00

So, now that Blu-Ray is without a doubt the decisive victor over in the high def format wars I thought I'd celebrate by picking up a celebratory title for myself.

After carefully weighing my options between such films as No Country For Old Men and Michael Clayton, I decided to go with the most critically acclaimed of them all, The Fifth Element. I added it to my Amazon shopping cart, clicked purchase and proceeded to patiently wait by my front door for that box with that weird curved arrow on the side to arrive.

When it finally did, I tore open the box, only to find the following:

"Had there been a sticker on Mr. Willis's face?," I thought to myself (or said out loud, maybe I talk to myself, I don't know, there wasn't anyone around to tell me if I do), "And what happened to the shrink wrap?"

Sure enough I opened it to only see:

No disc! Ha! Oh those pranksters at Amazon! Hilarious!

UPDATE 2/21:

Well, one complaint and Amazon overnighted me a replacement (complete with movie this time!). Most impressive so far. Let's see how they react when they receive the empty case I mailed back to them.

UPDATE 3/5:

An email from amazon.com has just confirmed their acceptance of my return. So all ends well. Not bad, award one point to Amazon customer service (reduce one from their shipping department).

Confused Perot Endorses Mayor Green

2008-02-19T11:46:00.003-05:00

Johnston Green received a boost to his fictional campaign today when a confused and disheveled Ross Perot endorsed him for president.

"America needs to be saved from the female Clinton and the Sugar Cain." Perot told two journalists and a dog named Spike, "It is time we act, and forget about reality shows."

Johnston Green is a character on the unwatched CBS show Jericho. Why Perot was endorsing him for president is anyone's guess.

Everyone in the room seemed confused, including Gerald McRaney, the actor who plays Mayor Green.

"I have no clue. Perot called me up and said he wanted to endorse me. I wanted to refuse, but CBS said it would be good publicity," McRaney told us.

When asked why he was endorsing a fictional person for president Perot responded, "Jibba-Jabba! A fictional man, for a fictional post. There is no president, it's all a lie!"

Which, of course led to the question if the there is no president why did Perot run for the office in 1994 and 1996.

"The reason!," Perot suddenly jumped onto the podium in mid sentence, "Sometimes I wish I was also fictional." Perot then hung his head down and quietly sang Livin' La Viva Loca to himself.

It's not sure how the endorsement will effect the current presidential campaign, but experts think it might shift the all important crazy vote away from John McCain.

"I don't know," McRaney responded in response to how the elections might be affected, "All I know is that Perot smells like Moth Balls and Mr. Pib. It's going to take weeks for me to get the stink off my hands."

Marmaduke Mondays - 2/18/08

2008-02-18T09:05:00.002-05:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~Hillary to cry so she can win tomorrow~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Tokyo Thursdays: Let's Learn English!

2008-02-14T09:15:00.002-05:00

Whatever you do, don't laugh!

Stoned To Secrecy

2008-02-13T07:35:00.001-05:00

Perhaps the best email I've ever received:

How to fix a Telephone Pole

2008-02-12T10:38:00.000-05:00

Simple steps to fix a falling telephone pole:

1) Put up a new pole right next to the broken one

2) Tie the broken one to the new one with some rope.

3) Pray for the best.

Yes, this is Nassau County's tax dollars at work. Oh, this isn't temporary either, it's been like this for years.

Marmaduke Mondays - 2/11/08

2008-02-11T08:42:00.000-05:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~the writer's strike to end~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Tokyo Thursdays - Baseball in Japan

2008-02-07T09:08:00.000-05:00

This is pretty crazy. Not sure how even to describe this one. I guess baseball in Japan must involve even more injuries than here in the US.

What's The Happening?

2008-02-07T08:25:00.001-05:00

Finally, the classic sitcom is being made into a movie! Looks just as zany as ever!

Marmaduke Mondays - 2/4/08

2008-02-04T08:01:00.000-05:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~American Gladiators~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Tokyo Thursday - Aliens & Magic Eye

2008-01-31T10:35:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure why they call these game shows in Japan. Their doesn't seem to be any way to actually win... or any rules even.

Here we have three pranks played on normal everyday folk. An alien breaking through steps, a water squirting microphone, and something (perhaps yet another alien) breaking through one of those magic eye things.

Is it me, or is the alien in the beginning of the clip the same one as from Kid's Quest, nice to see he's still getting work.

No Longer MY Space

2008-01-31T08:45:00.000-05:00

As I promised last week, my myspace page is no more. As you can see in the image to the right I left them some very insightful feedback on how they can improve their website.

Actually, Rupert Murdoch is an avid reader of cheesegod.com. I hear he reloads the page every 5 seconds hoping for something new and delicious. I hear he has a tattoo of Mr. Fish on his right ankle. So, obviously he has already read the negative things I had to say about myspace and is rushing to improve it as you read this.

Hmmmm... I wonder if Facebook is any good.

Things Likely To Happen At Tonights State Of The Union Address

2008-01-28T08:37:00.000-05:00

Tonight will be George W. Bush's 7th and final (maybe) State of the Union Address. The pundits of CNN, Headline News, Fox News, MSNBC, ABC News, BBC World News, and Logo are all a buzz guessing what he might say.

Will he talk about the Iraq war? Probably! How about that cash reward coming in May for doing nothing? Sure! Perhaps he might mention the high cost of gas? He might! And, will he say anything about 9/11? Only if Giullani hasn't used up all the references already!

But beyond that here are some more things we might be able to look forward to in tonights speech:

In an immediate effort to prevent a recession, Bush makes it rain cash!

John McCain jumps the gun and delivers the address instead!

Bush skips the address and instead decides to watch American Gladiators instead (his favorite is Wolf!) on his new Cars TV. Hey, Bush! You have to turn the TV around to watch it! You silly old man!

Marmaduke Mondays - 1/28/08

2008-01-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~work~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

Tokyo Thursdays: Shhhhhh!

2008-01-24T08:02:00.000-05:00

In this week's addition of Tokyo Thursday, we take a look at a Japanese game show where a group of six guys get weird pranks played on them. The twist? The pranks all happen in a library so they must keep quiet!

We need a channel that reruns these shows in America. I'd watch that thing all day. Oh yeah, Old Man Bites Tenderly!

So Long MySpace

2008-01-23T07:58:00.000-05:00

Dear MySpace,

It seemed like just a few weeks ago that I joined up with you. I knew about you for sometime, but we just never seemed that compatible. You with your reputation of being associated with crappy bands, pathetic teenagers, child predators, and social retards. And me with my desire to not be associated with crappy bands, pathetic teenagers, child predators, and social retards. We just seemed like total opposites . I just couldn't see the thrill in showing off to complete strangers my personal photos, likes in bad music, or how many "friends" I have (most of which or also complete strangers).

But I relented. It seemed that if so many people wanted to join up with you, well, their must be something about you. And even though my desire to never do anything that's popular and guarantee to never be popular myself... or even that well liked, I gave up and joined with you.

Let's face it. We just were not made for each other. Considering I don't even care much about my own interests, it's kind of hard for me to get excited about displaying them for the world to see. And as little as I care about my own interests, I care about even less about everyone else's. Plus I told you I don't like spam, so why do you insist on serving it up to me everyday. And, I'd like to say looks do not matter, but everything about you is ugly. Your interface, your member's profile pages, your members... Speaking of which, please tell your ho-bots to stop bothering me, I do not want to be their friends. I'm afraid I might catch the clap by just looking at their profile photos.

So I hear January 30th is International Delete Your MySpace Account Day. That seems like as a good as reason as any to end our relationship, although the fact you totally suck are most horrible are probably better reasons.

-With Love and Devotion,
cheesegod

Marmaduke Mondays!

2008-01-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

It's Monday! That must mean it's time for ~~headlines~~ Marmaduke! Yes, today's the day we look back at the past week of Marmaduke and the controversial things he's been doing.

Long time readers of cheesegod.com know that we first to express concern over the content of Marmaduke comics. As you can see here Marmaduke has been a little out there at times. This past week seems to be no exception. Check out these examples I clipped out this past week:

I'm looking over Cloverfield

2008-01-18T12:08:00.000-05:00

Everything that receives hype is always a let down. The final episode of Seinfeld, the 2007 Mets, the 2004 election, that peanut butter sandwich I ate last night.... So when I sat down last night to watch Cloverfield, the new monster flick from Lost creator J.J. Abrams, I wasn't expecting much.

The hype started back in July when the first trailer for the movie showed up on Transformers. The trailer featured a severed Statue Liberty Head flying across the streets on New York City disrupting a going away party. It featured no title, just the date 1-18-08. The film was codenamed Cloverfield and for months everyone on the internet buzzed about what this movie could possibly be. Then, they named the movie Cloverfield... so that killed a little bit of excitement right there. Then posters, commercials, and anything else that you can use for advertising all seemed to feature that headless Statue of Liberty. I began to wonder if that was the only thing the movie had going for it, that they had nothing else cool to show from the movie and therefor just kept showing that one scene. Finally, when the buzz on the internet started wondering if the movie would even ever show the monster responsible for decapitating national landmarks, I came to the conclusion that this film was just a cross between Godzilla and Blair Witch. And that wouldn't excite anyone. And, lets face it, many people have felt let down my Lost over the last season or two, so it seems Abrams would have experience in this.

But perhaps it was because I had killed all my positive expectations before I even started watching the movie is why I enjoyed it. Although Blair Witch meets Godzilla is still an accurate description, it did not suck like those two aforementioned movies.

Cloverfield, disguised as a classified government tape found in the site formally known as Central Park, is indeed a film about a couple of youngins getting their party disrupted by a mysterious monster while documenting the entire thing with a camcorder (By the way, this camcorder has to have the best surround sound I've ever heard, you'd think having only a singular microphone would give you nothing more than mono sound.). The camcorder gimmick gives us a more personable feel to the characters and the situation in the film, trying to make us feel like we could be right there with them and, overall, a more realistic feel to it.

The film keeps up a good amount of suspense as the characters try to rescue the main star's love interest from her midtown apartment. Although one could argue, as I am right now I guess, that the main star in the film is the monster and the destruction he (she?) causes . The characters presented in the movie aren't bad, but there's not exactly anything new or overly interesting about them. The most likable character, and possibly not coincidentally, is the one you see least. Hud, the guy operating the camcorder, is kind of like Moose from the Archie comics. Although, I have not figured out why he is named after the department of Housing and Urban Development.

I will not to go into too much details, as the the makers of the film seemed to want to keep everyone in the dark about it up until now. Plus much of the movie's suspense and action kind of rely on the "what's going to happen next" feel. But, yes you do see the monster.

So, anyway, yes, I recommend checking this movie out. It's a lot better than 27 dresses at least.

Steroids are a Rapper's Delight

2008-01-15T12:17:00.000-05:00

I was horrified to learn today that many of my favorite rappers have been cheating. That's right, what we thought was talent and hard work turned out to be just steroid induced LIES!

I was a fan of Timbaland throughout his career, and became an even bigger fan when I realized he wasn't Justin Timbaland, the bizarro version of Justin Timerlake. But now that I know that when he performed "The Way I Are," the way he are was on steroids, well, my heart has dropped into my stomach. Without the steroids Timbaland could of been a great song writer, producer, and performer, but with the steroids he's still a great song writer, producer, and performer, but those muscles of his are fake. I'm not sure I can live with that. From now on every time I hear "Up Jumps Da Boogie" I won't be thinking about how that Boogie be jumpin at all, but rather I'll be thinking "Up Shoots Da Rapper"

50 Cent is another sad story. What school boy hasn't dreamed about being in Da' Club with him. But no more. Those dreams are smashed. I'd expect more from a ex drug dealer. Curtis James Jackson III, I am very disappointed in you, I want you to sit in the corner of your multi-billion dollar mansion and think about what you've done.

I'm not that surprised about Wyclef Jean though. I knew something was up when I saw him on American Gladiators last night:

The only question now is, will we be able to bring back the integrity and respecxt back to the fine art of rap music.

Bush Wins 2008 Election

2008-01-08T09:53:00.000-05:00

Using the best psychics we could find and afford in the yellow pages we here at cheesegod.com have been able to download stories that will happen in 2008. Here is one such story:

Some cried. Some rejoiced. Some were too shocked to say how they were. Most vomited and then stuck their head in the oven. But all felt some kind of feeling or took some kind of action when the news was learned yesterday that George W. Bush had be reelected president.

"Why? Why? Why the hell does God hate us so much," one teary eyed 5 year girl was able to say between crying spats.

Today, the day after the 2008 presidential elections have left everyone shocked including the president himself.

"I just want to say how shocked and happy I am, but my vocabulary and speaking skills are good enough for me to do so," Bush told us through his World of Warcraft avatar during a recent wizard raid through the secret woods of Magiclot.

But the shock didn't end there. Dick Cheney suffered 82 heart attacks, and the predicted winning ticket of Obama & Marmaduke were equally dismayed.

"I thought America wanted change," Obama shouted from the edge of a tall building, "I knew I shouldn't of bought into this fad of cartoon dogs for running mates."

So how could such a thing happen? Turns out it was those pesky Diebold voting machines are to blame.

"It seems we forgot to unrig them after the 2004 election," Diebold spokesman Joe Orsulak told us just moments before being lynched by an angry mob, "Our bad."

So it looks like it'll be business as usual for the next four years. Meanwhile the official Republican ticket is already talking 2012.

"In four years we are confident, that America will be ready for Huckabee & Odie."

Taco Bell is Healthy

2007-12-31T18:48:00.000-05:00

Just watched the Modern Marvels about Fast Food Tech on that there History network. A couple of things stand out to me.

First, an "expert" said that more people are eating Mexican food because they see it contains lettuce, tomatoes, and tortillas and think it's healthy. What? Anyone who's stupid enough to think Taco Bell is good for them probably deserve the healthy problems they are probably going to get. Let me give all our readers a helpful hint about food, if it makes you have explosive diarrhea, that's your body telling you it wants the food the hell out of it. If the food looks like gonorrhea before you eat it, perhaps you should pass.

Also, what's the History Channel's obsession with aligning food up. Before every commercial break is a fact about how if you put every French fry sold at McDonald's side by side it would wrap around the earth 20 times, or if you stacked up every pita from Taco Bell it'd be taller than the Empire State Building. Is this the only way we can measure how much food a retailer sells? When White Castle places an order with their distributer do they just ask for a couple of cases? Or do they instead ask for enough pickles to fill a kiddie pool?

By the way, their is really nothing on TV to watch anymore. Silly writers strike.

LIAR!

2007-12-20T18:09:00.000-05:00

So apparently there is a forum called Sythe. What it is, I don't know, I don't care. The reason why I bring it up though is one member who has the clever handle of GameAddict94 on a has taken claim of creating cheesegod.com. He states, "I have also created a website called Cheesegod.com and it is all about funny things!"

Now, I'll tell you now I am not GameAddict94, or even GameAddict93. I'm sad to admit I'm not a game addict at all. I wish I was, but where does one find the time these days. Perhaps you could call me a MallomarsAddict as those are quite yummy, but I'm afraid if you did I'd get the image of being a fat loser.

I'm guessing Mr. GameAddict94 is a loser though. If I was going to falsely state things I've created it certainly would not be cheesegod.com. I'd take credit for digg.com, or Google, or even pets.com, but cheesegod.com? No, I don't think so.

Also, I certainly wouldn't be lying to get into a "Dev Core Team." I simply would just tell them my name and they'd be so taken back by how awesome I was and I'd be named their president. Then, after running the project into the ground because I had no idea what I was doing I'd be kicked out and cursed at for ages. But at least I wouldn't be a liar.

So what is my point through all this? I don't know. How about, don't do drugs and stay in school.

Alvin & The Slowmunks

2007-12-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

Man, Alvin and The Chipmunks would of been a great movie if it wasn't for all those damn high pitched sped up voices.

Luckily, I'm working on a special edition of the movie that will fix that! Take a look:

The film is also now a healthy 4 hours long!

Man RegretsLarge Dixie Cup

2007-12-13T08:45:00.000-05:00

Have you ever wondered what the story is behind the world's largest Dixie cup? Yes, no, maybe. Hmmmm.... Well here it is anyway, wise ass:

Jason Jacome wasn't rich. He wasn't even poor. He had his wife, his 2 children, his pet cat, and even a cool little donkey figurine that dispensed cigarettes out it's rear. But Jason dreamed of bigger things... literally.

Every night was the same for Jason, he'd wake up mid night with the image of the paper rim rushing through his head. All day at work he would doodle little drawings of what he pictured to be quite the large object. At home Jason would lock himself in the bathroom for hours, staring at the Dixie cup he would hold in his hands.

Finally one day, after reading an inspirational Ziggy comic, Jason took a leave of absence from his job, emptied his savings account, and sold his ass butt dispenser.

At first Jason's family was supportive. His wife assumed it was just a phase Jason was going through, kind of like that week where he wore Bermuda shorts and spouted nothing but quotes from Ernest Goes To Jail.

But as the weeks passed, Jason continued to spend every moment he had in the basement working on his creation. As the bills piled up, and the children grew tired of eating what was left of the cat, Jason's wife decided she had enough.

The fact that his wife left him didn't matter to Jason though, because he had just discovered he could make progress much faster by using Elmer's white glue rather than the blowtorch.

Then one early Wednesday morning, the deed had been finished. Jason took his mammoth cup outside and proudly displayed it to the world. Neighbors gathered around and stared in amazement, local news reporters interviewed him, and school children would hold hands around the cup and sing songs of joy.

For a while life was good. But just like Twin Peeks, people eventually grew tired of it. The neighbors stopped looking, the reporters stopped reporting, and the school children were hit by bus. Worse yet, the bank took his house back, his wife and children were still gone, and an effort to sell the Dixie cup on eBay was foiled when UPS couldn't fit the cup on the truck to ship.

Now, Jason lives, all alone, inside his cup. But, if you ask him what his one regret is, he won't tell you that it's the fact that his family is gone. Or that the closest thing he has to a house is his cup. Or that his cat gave his children indigestion. No, his only regret is the fact that the cup doesn't have a roof.

"Everytime it rains at night while I'm sleeping I almost drown."

tx S proof Iran hs WMDs

2007-12-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

In the flipping flopping world of international intelligence another sub chapter has emerged. On Monday President Bush showed proof that Iran is indeed developing Nuclear Weapons in the form of a text message from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

"You liberal thinkers are thinking to liberally," Bush told a crowd of reporters and, for some reason, his toy Furby, "but here in my hand I have proof. Proof that Iran is indeed not only making WMD, but already have said WMD."

This statement confused the room of reporters since the only thing anyone saw Bush holding was the Furby. Even the Furby looked a tad confused. But then Bush raised his other hand to show his Sidekick phone and the room of reporters, and the Furby, suddenly returned to their normal state of confusion.*

"Here, on my sidekick I have a text from one of my "five", Mr. Ahmanin.. omahaw.. ahmandijoin.. the Iran president."

Bush then held out his phone. The room fell silent. Since no one could read the phone since it was very far away from anyone to be able to read anything off the screen. Also, every reporter in the room was, as usual, at least the age of 92 years old and most likely didn't even know what a "sidekick" was. One reporter in the back was heard to mutter, "That's a sidekick? Eh, it's no Ed McMann."

After a few hours of silence one reporter finally fessed up that no one knew what was going on and Bush revealed to the sleepy crowd what the text message said:

"ur so dum. Ive WMD! I Win, u Lose."

Still, no one knew what was going on. But still, reporters rushed out to print "the truth" while MSNBC and FOX News pulled random teenagers off the street, dubbing them "Texting Experts", asking them for their professional insight on live TV.

Democracy lives on...

*There's always some confusion at press conferences at the White House. Reasons for this include the vaudeville act performed by cabinet members Robert Gates and Carlos Guiterrez beforehand to warm up the crowd and the 5 foot tall poster for Small Wonder that hangs outside in the hallway.

Modem Play!

2007-11-27T10:49:00.000-05:00

Satire: History Hittler Channel Anounced

2007-11-20T08:42:00.000-05:00

It was an exciting event here at the latest press conference run by the History Channel. Announcements ranged for new programing to a new electronic history book reader that can hold a hundred books, and will see the same price of two hundred. But perhaps most exciting is the news of History Hitler, the forth cable network to bear the History name.

"Well, when we started off we had about 5 billion years of history, which provided just enough programing to fill out our 24 hour a day network," History Channel presidentProfessor Finklebottom explained to the crowd of wild history buffs, "Then we realized that there were countries besides America, so we started HistoryInternational . After a while we noticed that the only thing that ever really happened in history was World War II, so we started the Military History network. And all was good. However, we realized no one likes the war itself. They just like Hitler."

With that explanation, the History Hitler network was revealed. History buffs in the crowd went wild. One man cried, another fainted. One woman declared she must of gone to heaven and become an angel and promptly jumped out the window to test her wings.

Programing on the network will be both old and not as old. Featured shows included: World War II: The Forgotten Battles, Hitler's Battle Plans, The Nazi Way, A Day in the Life Of Adolf,Mein Kempf: The TV Series, Hitler's Follies , Hitler in Space, Two Girls, a Guy, and a Nazi, America's Next Top Hitler, and a show simply titled Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

"I'll have to buy a third TiVo just to keep up," History fan boy Joe Orsulak told us.

The network is also looking into to starting a 9/11 station hosted 24 hours a day by Rudy Giuliani.

Some Hero...

2007-11-17T12:55:00.000-05:00

Nathan Petrelli is more of a hero than Superman I guess.

Image stolen from Super Dickery.

Two Girls, One Cup, Zero Class

2007-11-13T11:13:00.000-05:00

I was checking out Google Hot Trends, a list of top rising search results, and was disturbed by what I found. No, I'm not referring to the fact that David Hyde Pierce for some reason made the top of the list on November 4th. I'm talking about number 64 on the day previous.

Now, I should warn you before you go click on that link and then ultimately follow it through to the video, that to only do so if you are one hell of a sick bastard.

Luckily, I read a description first, and was able to avoid the life scaring event that would occur if I had watched this piece of crap*.

In a nut shell, the video includes two girls kissing, defecating in a cup, drinking out of that cup, and then kissing again.

Now, despite the fact that this is obviously the worse thing to hit the web since goatse, or David Hyde Pierce, it's not so much the content of the video I'm overly consered with. I suppose anyone who gets turned on by poo needs to get their jollies somehow. No, it's the fact that it made it to number 64 on the Google Hot Trends list. How many damn people out there are into feces?

Can the internet users possibly paint themselves to be any more horrible? This and MySpace man. Proof that the world is going to hell in a hand basket.

*Literally!

QUOTE:
[Larry has rented Balki a tuxedo]
Balki Bartokomous: Yours?
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: Yours... looks... just like mine.
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: But if we dress alike, how will people tell us apart?
Larry Appleton: Dental records.

-Perfect Strangers

Abstinence - A Choice Of A New Generation

2007-11-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

So lets see here. Back in the '90s Pepsi was advertising that their soft drink was the choice of a new generation. Now, apparently, abstinence is the choice of a new generation.

I assume this means that kids these are not getting any. Meanwhile us kids from the last generation are not only getting action, but are enjoying a can of Pepsi while we do. Wow, our generation kicks this generation's ass.

Selling Your Soul To Rupert Murdoch

2007-11-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

MySpace has been popular for a couple of years or so now. As it has become more and more main stream I have grown to hate it more and more.

Is it the incredibly poorly designed profiles? The badly designed interface? The fact that it's owned by the unpropitious News Corp.? Or is it just my desire that hate everything that is popular and cast myself further and further from the mainstream?

Well, there are three facts. The profiles people create for themselves do look horrible, like some kind of hell for evil graphic designers. If they do desire to strive to make something that looks better for themselves, they're have a pain in the ass time doing so since the ease of customization is comparable to completing Dragon Force on expert in Guitar Hero. And, yes, News Corp, owners of The New York Post and FOX news, are extremely maleficent. As for that whole thing about me hating stuff just because it's mainstream, well, that's just silly... ahem.

But, as MySpace has become embedded in our civilization it has become harder to function not being part of the group. Not being on MySpace is like not owning a cellphone or a car*. Sure, there are alternatives threatening MySpace's empire, such as Facebook, but lets face it, it isn't going anywhere too soon. MySpace is like the MP3, outdated old technology of poor quality. The only reason anyone still uses it is because they are comfortable with and everyone else uses it.

So, I've given up. Perhaps it's not News Corp's fault MySpace is full of morons who don't understand it's of poor design to have songs preload and play, that sixteen embedded youtube videos isn't a good idea, and the only reason they have so many friends on the site is because all those people just wanted to have a lot of friends on their profile and will add anything that moves, or doesn't move, as their friend.

As I told myself this, I logged onto MySpace and created a profile for myself. Now I feel dirty, so dirty. Excuse while I go take a shower.

QUOTE:

"For a long time it gave me nightmares... witnessing an injustice like that... it's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be... I can still hear them taunting him... silly rabbit, tricks are for kids... I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL?"

-Carlon, Fresh Price of Bel-Air

E Coli, Bugs, and Fat Albert

2007-11-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

RANT:

Another week, another recall. It seems these days there is no toy or no food safe enough to eat. Whether it's finding out that the frozen pizza last night might of just given you e coli or Anderson Cooper showing off the asbestos he has floating around in his blood, everything in the media is making us scared of everything. It has come to the point where just approaching the frozen food section of Target makes me start to shake and break out in a cold sweat.

Choosing an item to eat is like spinning the roulette wheel of incurable diseases. Are Bubba burgers still safe to eat, or will I find out tomorrow that they've been injected with lead paint. What about Digiorno's? Is that going to give me herpes? Maybe I'll just stick with the White Castle, sure it'll give me diarrhea, but at least that's all it'll give me... I hope.

Perhaps I'm better off just buying a cow, some chickens, and growing my own crops. Of course the ground is so polluted and the feed for the animals is probably tainted. I'd likely be no better off. That and I'm lazy. I don't even want to clean up after my dog, forget a damn cow.

---

TV:
Last night's Simpson's opened up with a joke about those annoying TV bugs that advertise upcoming shows across the lower third of the TV screen.

It's been done before (twice just by The Simpson's itself, once, quite brilliantly, during the Simpson's Movie) but never this violently. A series of show advertisements came on across the screen as Marge put a gruesome end to each, including sticking House's Hugh Laurie in a microwave, then feeding him to Homer as part of a loaf.

I was hoping one of the show bugs Marge destroyed would be Family Guy, which featured a similar gag a couple of weeks earlier. On Family Guy, a bug for The Simpson's was attacked by Quagmire. He raped Marge and then murdered the rest of the Simpson's family. Nothing funnier than rape. This segment didn't air in the US, although I hear it did in Canada. Sorry Canada.

By the way, why can't FOX ever air the Simpson's Halloween special earlier than a week after Halloween? Even with FOX losing the rights to half the baseball postseason this year, they still can't seem to get this show on in time. Stupid Red Sox.

---

QUOTE:

"Man, you're like school during the summer. No class."
-Rudy, from Fat Albert.

Bad Movies I Like: Falling Down

2007-10-25T12:03:00.000-04:00

"Eh? Think About It."

The plot to this movie has more holes than the movie "Holes", and more clichés than the movie "Cliches" (Okay, okay, I made that movie up). I don't think I need to go any further than pointing out it features a cop on his last day before retirement to prove my point. But, hey, this movie isn’t all about plot, it’s about the anger.

Michael Douglas plays a man fed up with his life. He's divorced, misses his daughter, lives with his mom, and is laid off his job. Rather than take control of his life, he decides to take revenge on the small things that bother us every day. Things like traffic, overpriced convenience stores, impatient guys waiting to use payphones, racist guys that own army surplus stores, um... violent gang... hmmm. O, and of course there's the famous "I don’t want lunch, I want breakfast" scene:

I was in Wendy's a couple of weeks ago after they stopped serving breakfast and they still gave it to me... I guess Wendy's is better than Wamburger.

This is less a movie, than just guy on journey to see his daughter on her birthday, getting pissed off at every little thing on the way, applying his own brand of vigilante justice where he sees fit. Who hasn't wanted to shoot up a McDonalds or kill some mean racist guy who destroys your snow globe. But nonetheless there is some nice story in here. It's a sad tale of a man who just quite adapt to the world. He wants to have a family again, a decent job, a normal life. But, as he sees it, everyone else is getting in his way, holding him back.
Maybe "Bad movie" is too strong, after all Ebert liked it, although not that bastard Ebert. I just can't understand what any of it has to do with Sir-Mix-Alot:

Flippin' Crazy Ride

2007-10-04T15:34:00.000-04:00

Maybe it was the 4 Slim Jims I ate before hand, but this video made me fill physically ill.

Mr. Majectamy

2007-10-03T13:26:00.000-04:00

The Mets Are On LIfe Support...

2007-09-19T10:19:00.000-04:00

It's pretty amazing how a sports team can effect your mood. As a Mets fan, I've pretty bummed out so far this week. They've lost 5 in a row, while the second place Phillies have won 6 in a row to pull up within 2 games of first place.

I don't know why such a thing should bother any sane person. It's not like we, the fans, have any real control over what happens. The best we can do is buy a hot dog while at the game to help pay off Carlos Delgado's salary.

It's an odd bond between fan and team. You watch the team play every day, get to almost feel like you know each player. They have no clue who you are, and they don't care. You can cheer, rant, or cry all you want they're not going to win a game for you. They're playing because they want to win, not because you want to.

I suppose it's not much different than watching an action movie. Except in a movie, you know the good guy is going to win in the end. In baseball, there's no such guarantee. Every fan thinks their team is the good guy. There isn't really any bad guys (except for Barry Bonds). Everyone hates the Yankees and could possibly define them as the villains of baseball, but the Yankee fans would probably disagree with you.

So, logically we should all just be able to sit back and enjoy the game and not worry so much. Yeah, right....

Moving Out On Your Own

2007-09-12T08:54:00.000-04:00

Moving out of your parents house is huge step in the path to independence from creepy guy living in his parents' basement. It's a well known fact that most of these creeps surf the internet anywhere from 0 to 24 hours a day. So there's a good chance you, the reader, might be one of these guys. Therefore I'm going to share some of my vast experience of the subject with you poor fools.

After I moved out of parents house I had a hard time adjusting. I probably should of figured out what I was going to do before I moved out, you know like decided where I'd live, where I'd get money, or learn how to cut the crust off my peanut butter and jelly sandwiched myself.

I moved to Greece for a while. I remember learning when I was a child that the Gods lived at the Acropolis. Unfortunately when I got there all I found was a stray cat roaming around. I worshiped the cat for a while until one day a dog killed it. I thought maybe the dog was the real God letting me know that I'd been worshiping a fake God, but I also wondered if the dog was actually the devil. It was all very confusing, so I moved back to America where I can find a Jesus in every church to worship.

Life was hard when I got back, I needed to find a place to live. They say home is where the heart is. That's stupid, I can't live inside my own chest. I've also heard people say "home sweet home." I guessed I'd know when I'd find my home because it'd taste good. This knowledge didn't help me much though. Real Estate brokers tend to give you weird faces if you lick the walls while they're showing you a house. They got pissed and I think I got Tuberculosis, which landed me in the hospital. But that's okay it gave me a place to sleep for a while, well until the nurses kicked me out for tasting the floors.

Eventually I was taken in by some bums who lived behind the 7-Eleven. They actually had a pretty nice set-up. They built a hut out of discarded slurpree syrup. Sometimes the guy who ran the place would feel sorry for us and give us some free big bite hot dogs, which we'd use to lure in rats and pigeons to eat.

Yeah, life was pretty sweet at that point, but it still seemed something was lacking. I'm not sure what is was. Perhaps it was the fact that we had no heating, or roof. We tried to make a roof out of old newspapers once, but people kept coming around reading our house. It was especially annoying when some commuter in a hurry would peel off one of our buttresses off to read on the train. I took my concerns to our lead resident, one leg Willie, but he called me a spoiled brat and kicked me out, well, not literally, Willie doesn't do much kicking anymore. It didn't matter much to me anyway, because although theslurpee was did taste pretty sweet, it just didn't seem right.

So I was on my own again. I spent a couple of nights walking around residential neighbors making a real sad face hoping someone might feel sorry for me and invite me to live with them. When that didn't work I tried sobbing as loudly as possible. That got the cops called anyway, and landed me in jail for the night.

Jail wasn't so bad though, it was free housing as far as I was concerned. I started to commit crimes every night so I could go back to jail. After a couple of nights the cops figured out my game and told me they were not going to arrest me anymore. I tried blowing up a couple of buildings, kidnapping the presidents daughters, not cleaning up after my dog, but the police didn't fall for any of it.

Back to square one, and pretty depressed, I decided to attempt the lowest thing possible. I started an internet blog. Now I'm no longer respected, but with the pennys I make every month off the Google ads I can afford a can of soda. It might not sound like much, but don't worry, I've got it all figured out. I'm going to hold onto that can and eventually the aluminum will go up value, like all precious metals do. It's either that or maybe Google will buy my website for 200 million dollars... hmm I have to remember to put a call in to Larry Page as soon as I save up enough cans to afford a cell phone.

Lassie Arrested

2007-09-06T09:42:00.000-04:00

International movie star Lassie was arrested this past weekend after being suspected of running illegal football games in his Hollywood estate.

Cops paid a visit to Lassie's home on Friday night when neighbors complained of a foul odor coming from the area. Inside they found an illegal football game in progress being watched and held by a number of high rolling canines.

"It was awful, it's turns out the bad odor was the Cleveland Browns," Officer Mike Neil told us, "I haven't seen anything that made me this sick to the stomach since Mr. Bean's Holiday."

Many of the football players were injured with strained hamstrings, scraped knees, and hurt feelings. One player yelped in the corner because his helmet was too tight.

Ingred Termso of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Athletes) spoke out the issue earlier today on a televised press conference.

"It is horrible. Horrible. When will American learn that they are evil. Watching these 'sports' is not fun for anyone. You are all sick. You should die. You are dumb. What is wrong with you guys? Listen to me. It is not natural. Watch some paint dry or a nice game of Monopoly. These are fun, ethical alternatives. You are evil if you like sports. You will pay," Termso went on like that for a while... probably, I don't know, I was too busy paying attention to the Met's score scrolling across the bottom of the screen, and too lazy to hit the replay button on the TiVo remote.

Meanwhile matters have gotten worse for Lassie, whose real name is Haig Lassaderian. It is now being reported that as many as fifty bodies of football players have been dug up from the backyard of her house. Many electrocuted, some hung, a couple drowned, one killed with kindness.

Lassie was scheduled to begin shooting a comedy next month with Chris Tucker and Michael Ian Black about a two men who give birth to a dog, but the project now seems like it's in jeopardy.

"Damn it," Black told us, "Every time I'm about to finally hit it big something goes wrong. First my annoying personality, then my lack of acting ability, and now this."

All may not be lost however.

"Did you hear they're going to make another Pink Panther movie with Steve Martin and John Cleese. I didn't think the first one did that well," Officer Mike Neil told us.

We're not sure what that has to do with anything, but he said it.